Sitting with the devil

I'm not sure why I showed up for the Kindergarten Orientation yesterday...but something told me I needed to wear a bra and make-up. Thankfully, I did both because just moments before it started, I was told I needed to stand and speak. You gotta love those friends that throw you out in front of moving train but I couldn't say no to their adorable faces...no wait, I did say no, and they shoved me anyway...I might put them on my watch list!!

Anyway, I was gone for most of the day, I bought groceries, ran errands but everything seemed okay when I returned home. The husband left for work and we got ready for church.

I didn't have a clue the kids were intoxicated with sugar and caffeine until we sat down on the quiet pew. Giggles erupted from them both for no apparent reason other than they have completely went nuts and laughter soon went viral. I knew I had to keep the kids quiet so I looked around at my prey options.

There he sat, alone. It was the Devil. Well, he played the Devil in our Christmas play and I knew he would be perfect! I took child number one by the hand and told him he was to sit by the Devil man until service was over. The child lucked up because a cute little girl sat next to him from his Sunday School class so he HAD to be on his best behavior! Looking forward to being with the children all day so I can control what goes in their bodies! I can guarantee it won't be chocolate and caffeine!

I Need a Sub Syndrome

Dear Teachers,

I am currently open for booking substitute teaching jobs for August 21...the second day of school. I know you all show up with so much enthusiasm the first day, which is August 20...a few days away...but it doesn't take long before reality sets in...you are responsible for putting ALL THAT INFORMATION into their heads in just a few months.

Usually the first symptom of I Need a Sub Syndrome is diarrhea. This can usually start the morning of the first day but over that course of a 24 hr period, nausea sets in followed by the sweaty shakes, shallow breathing and finally tears. Some teachers develop hives and thoughts of I wanna go back to the beach overtake their daily activities. Both children and teachers cry for their mommies but somehow they all push through to make it until the end of the day.

Exhausted, both teachers and students pass out at eight o'clock that first night. Teachers however, being much older, often wake with that first day of school hangover unlike the children. The amount of caffeine they've poured into their bodies to get them through the first day would kill a horse. The kids wake fully refreshed, ready to go back and see their friends and teachers they already love. The poor teachers wake only when the alarm clock forces them to and they angrily slam their hand down to turn it off, or break it, which ever comes first. Heads hurt and bodies ache. Their furrowed brows lead them to the coffee pot and the sweet sound of percolating joe gives them enough energy to turn on the shower. They hop in, they hop out, the coffee is ready, and they are happy. This begins their long dependency on those dark grounded beans but this makes them happy, pretty and nice.

Some teachers never make it to the coffee pot. This is where I come in. So book me now teachers. If you feel like I Need a Sub Syndrome will not fade after that first day, give me a call. I go to bed at eight anyway, and my brows always lead me to the coffee pot each morning. Coffee makes me pretty, happy and nice, too.

One Brick Shy

It only took like eight hours...but One Brick Shy the book is now available. Stories like The Waterslide, Journey to The Gym and lots of quotes from the children are all in one eBook. It's only $2.29 and it may not be absolutely perfect, but it was great practice. I have a much larger one coming out really soon, and I wanted to practice with the formatting and all to see how difficult it would be. It's all on The Country Sky blog right now...
or click the button below to visit my bookstore.

My Tattoo

Yes, I got a tattoo...but more on that later!

Today, we went to a local water park with our church and had a ball. I'm currently in my PJs drinking chocolate milk and waiting until at least sunset before I collapse for the night...if I actually get to sleep. You see, there's this thing...with my back. Oh, I'm not injured...how do I put it?

I guess I should have known something was wrong when every time I walked toward someone their lower jaw fell downward pulling their upper and lower eyelids as far apart as they could go. Some were compassionate enough to say, "Oh, you are red!!" But they were wrong. I'm not so much red...I'd say I'm half past magenta or a deep, dark firebrick...which is at least three stages past red. Oh yea! And I was wearing 50 SPF. Apparently it wasn't the best at being waterproof...now ya tell me, as I sit shivering in my recliner trying to keep my skin from actually boiling. It hurts.

And that's not the best part! I told you how people reacted as I walked toward them, now let me tell you what happened as I walked past people. I knew I was burned, I felt it. Strangers tried to look away but after I would pass, chuckles were emitting from all directions. Wow, they sure are having a good time, I thought. But as the day went on, I noticed it was every time I walked past someone. Finally, someone from my group pulled me aside and said, "Um, well, you have a hand print on your back,"(after they had laughed hysterically). That's right, the little girl who will remain nameless, that nearly gagged when I asked to rub lotion on my back, didn't do so hot (where is all the good free help these days)!! Apparently, I have a new tattoo!

But the way I look at it, surely it embarrassed her enough to be seen with the lady with hand tattoo on her back, that she'll do better next time. Let's hope so. Hopefully, I'll be able to wear a bra in a few days (yikes) and my second degree burns will heal quickly.

Old Lady Shoes

I put on my comfortable shoes...which translates as my old lady clodhoppers. I knew we would be outnumbered but if I didn't show up, they'd all call me chicken.

I pulled up, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the car and presented myself as excited, brave, and ready. Little did they all know, I was worried sick. What if somebody pukes, or poops or runs away? That's a lot of pressure for someone in old lady shoes. I am immediately greeted by kids of all sizes and scramble to find everyone a name tag...because otherwise, they'll all have to go by Hey, or Orange Shirt, or Sweetheart. This way, I can at least mispronounce their names! What happened to the days when everyone was named Johnny, Jimmy, Betty or Linda? But no, now everyone has to be special and unique. That makes it hard on the ones wearing old lady shoes.

As I'm placing a name tag around little Chloe, or was it Ashlyn...I look up and there she was. I watched her move across the parking lot and I hoped she was heading my way. We made eye contact and her perfectly white teeth smiled in my direction. My prayers had been answered. The elementary school teacher was in my group. As children ran around us like they'd been filled with Red Bull and chocolate, she confirmed she was there to do everything for us help our group. A visible sigh of relief came across my face and I awaited my orders.

Soon, children that were as tall as my left knee formed a line. She told me to march and I did just that without question. Kids that were screaming, quietened down and all she had to do was tell them they were going to march and listen. I'm pretty sure I could have told them the same thing and they would have marched in the opposite direction and listened to each other scream louder, but they did as told, for her. I had myself a winner here.

The kids all did great. They sang, they played, they crafted, they listened and learned. No children were lost or harmed during VBS at my church. Mamas carried babies, teachers taught lessons, singers taught songs, and I wore old lady shoes.

I slept so good last night, thanks to those toddlers on Red Bull and chocolate. I love them all, and I'm so happy they had a good time. Their little smiling faces and fast feet will remain in my mind forever.

Spun

I must be insane and many of you will agree but I showed up for spin class at five this morning. I had secretly hoped my stomach would still ache like it did yesterday but I awoke without one single pain, darn. I swiped on some deodorant even though I'd smell like a hog farm when it was over and laced up my shoes and was on my merry way.

Once I arrived, I was glad to see bright and smiling faces this early in the morning, many I haven't seen since I quit showing up at the gym six months ago, it made me happy. I walked in the class as if I hadn't put on ten pounds and like I was some kinda die-hard spinner. The music began, and I spun.

My biggest concern was how sore my tail would be after we walked out of here. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, it reminds me of church. I pray. I ask for strength. I look around and it's every man for himself, we get out-what we put in. Yeah, kinda like church.

I reached for my towel as sweat began to drip and I realized only sixty seconds had passed...this was gonna be a long ride. I went up and down, spun fast and slow, went up hills and flew down them...and never left that room. I started wishing that I'd given someone my home phone number in case I passed out, but it was too late. Sweat was flying.

By the end of class, as we slowed down to cool off, I looked around my bike. I saw a BBQ potato chip, three salted peanuts and two glasses of Dr. Pepper. I was almost disappointed that with all that work and this is all that I had burned off my body until I saw that big pot of meanness. I felt much better and was so glad I went. No more stress and it felt good to have burned a few calories. It's good to start your day off right and now I'll think twice before I pick up a chip, drink two glasses of Dr. Pepper or a handful of peanuts.

Oh, and I apologize to the extreme man-cyclist behind me. Sorry you had to see "all this"...it's a work-in-progress.

The Redneck Chronicles

In our efforts to advance further in the transition to rednecks, we (meaning my husband) has jacked up our jeep.

 All the local dogs come hang out at our house...

 ...and the kids' primary source of transportation is the 4 wheeler



Like Spiderman

I walked in hoping to go unnoticed. Accidentally making eye contact with two instructors while trying to quickly sign my child up for a Fit Kit camp, I suddenly felt as if I were under a spot light. Heat filled my shameful face as they each approached me at different times. I tried to fill one with excuses but she only looked at me as if I had thoroughly disgusted her. The other walked up wearing her three kids so there goes the excuse of "oh sorry I haven't been in like a year but my kids are out of school..." Darn.

I walked to my car before I got bullied into some heart pumping aerobic class and made my way to Wal Mart for groceries. Whew, I was home free. I felt liberated as I conquered that major task at the gym without major complications. I was smiling and minding my own business when I turned the corner and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN...the instructor I had just disgusted down at the gym. Is she like Spiderman or something? I smiled confidently since she had not caught me on the snack aisle and strutted past as if I were glad to see her again.

Milk, cheese, darn I had forgot toilet cleaner...back I go a few aisles and BAM! There she is again. I accidentally roll my eyes this time and the thought of her stalking me crossed my mind. I quickly stroll my buggy way across the store only to find her there too, snarling with venom dripping from her fang. How is this woman doing this?

My stomach turned. I quickly threw some stuff in my cart as if a snow storm is about to hit, and I still needed bread! Right as I'm about be in the clear, I hear a low growl from around the corner and I swear I hopped over three aisles as if I were a gold medalist in the Summer Olympics. I had to get away. I knew that I had not got apples but there was no way, I'd allow the predator to get her prey by risking life and limb for something that grows freely in my yard anyway. It was really a close call today, but I do believe I might need to get back to the gym...if for no other reason but to shop peacefully!

Kinda like this...

Our Summer has been, kinda like this...

They've lost it...

You know that feeling when you leave the house of what did I forget?? Happens to everyone right? Well it didn't take me but a few miles before I realized what I didn't have...and that's high doses of anxiety medication!

What a day. The kids had to be separated right away. No surprise. Before we even got through the first town, I had to lay down the law.

"Look," I said. "You two will lose 4 wheelers, then you will lose your outside privileges and then it'll be a nice long nap for you if we can't all get along. Don't even look at each other."

I tried everything to distract them and finally, peace. The girl played quietly with Legos while the boy amused himself by staring at people as we drove past them. My luck was changing. Then, I noticed that we had a stalker. You know the weird guy that drives right beside you and never wants to pass or slow down, just ride along side you but you're too stubborn to look over kinda stalker. I thought I heard something which finally made me turn to look and see what the creep wanted only to find one of our favorite family friends laughing at us. Yes, we probably annoyed the traffic behind us as we chatted with our windows down for a mile or so but it was good to see "Old Man Clem". The rain had stopped pouring literally outside and the kids had calmed (just before the storm!)

We got to our appointment at The HEAR Center where #1 had to get his ears worked on. I thought he could play nice with the Legos while he got his ears tuned up...but I was wrong.

He instead made a toilet (ahem, yes I see what's inside) and before he was finished, yes, the Legos got taken away from him...by his Audiologist. Not for his special design but for the fact he just quit participating in the proper activity and decided to horseplay with the sister. The kids had just gone nuts by this point. They DID NOT earn a prize (again) and let's just say...ahh, nap time is wonderful. The only thing that got me through the horror was knowing that they've been worse....sad but true. We've been through worse and I'm lucky we have such a wonderful Audiologist that can get us MAPped and get us out of there quickly. (I wonder what she says to herself to get her through a Blakely appointment? "They'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon....")

Just wasn't our best trip. This was our first big outing though since we've been out of school so it's hard to say if they've lost it completely yet. Only time will tell. I'm hoping the energy isn't this high on Friday when I'm trapped in driving a van for six hours with not only them but another wild child plus two more adults. As we walked out of the door the Audiologist whispered demonic-like "Good luck Friday."

But in their defense, the removal of activities and the addition of a nap (aka rest time) has really improved their behavior-they are usually pretty darn good at home-and like I told them...Mommy could develop a Social Phobia where we never go anywhere if they misbehave every time we leave the house...which means no Wal Mart, no thrift stores, no beach!