I Need a Sub Syndrome

Dear Teachers,

I am currently open for booking substitute teaching jobs for August 21...the second day of school. I know you all show up with so much enthusiasm the first day, which is August 20...a few days away...but it doesn't take long before reality sets in...you are responsible for putting ALL THAT INFORMATION into their heads in just a few months.

Usually the first symptom of I Need a Sub Syndrome is diarrhea. This can usually start the morning of the first day but over that course of a 24 hr period, nausea sets in followed by the sweaty shakes, shallow breathing and finally tears. Some teachers develop hives and thoughts of I wanna go back to the beach overtake their daily activities. Both children and teachers cry for their mommies but somehow they all push through to make it until the end of the day.

Exhausted, both teachers and students pass out at eight o'clock that first night. Teachers however, being much older, often wake with that first day of school hangover unlike the children. The amount of caffeine they've poured into their bodies to get them through the first day would kill a horse. The kids wake fully refreshed, ready to go back and see their friends and teachers they already love. The poor teachers wake only when the alarm clock forces them to and they angrily slam their hand down to turn it off, or break it, which ever comes first. Heads hurt and bodies ache. Their furrowed brows lead them to the coffee pot and the sweet sound of percolating joe gives them enough energy to turn on the shower. They hop in, they hop out, the coffee is ready, and they are happy. This begins their long dependency on those dark grounded beans but this makes them happy, pretty and nice.

Some teachers never make it to the coffee pot. This is where I come in. So book me now teachers. If you feel like I Need a Sub Syndrome will not fade after that first day, give me a call. I go to bed at eight anyway, and my brows always lead me to the coffee pot each morning. Coffee makes me pretty, happy and nice, too.

Top 5 Things I Learned From MTV

A high school student suggested I watch MTV in the early morning hours if I wanted to see videos. I was subbing for a class yesterday and somehow the subject of music came up and I stated my disappointment with MTV and how they rarely showed actual videos anymore...so at 6 a.m. I turned it on and this is the top 5 things I learned...

1. Some bars have baby pools instead of a dance floor filled with unknown substances (I am gagging) and fighting girls. I'm still not clear why the baby pool is actually needed...?
2. Even I need closed captioning for many rap songs...and I ALMOST have my degree in Rap!
3. Gold chains will never go out of style...I wish we had not taken my husband's old rope chain to the pawn shop that bought all of our gold years ago...he would still be so cool !
4. Lil Jon has a small vocabulary. In fact, other than "Yeah-a" and one or two other two-syllable words, he's pretty quiet. I would love work as his translator. I think it would be awesome...he could get crunk, pop bottles and all sorts of things while I translate to soccer moms what he's talking about. Pretty soon, we'd all be wearing dreads and constantly say "OK!" and "What!"
5. Women look awesome in swim suits and short yellow furs. Beyonce proves it in her latest video. I never knew a one piece swim suit paired with a fur of all things would look hot. Trust me, if you don't try this, you will not be hip with the latest fashion trend! I wonder if it will have the same effect if I wear a trench coat with mine?

Please Come Rap

Wow, I've been spending so much time over at the high school, I forgot what it was like to be booked up at the elementary school for a change. I was sad that I can't help the PTO with Auburn/Alabama store which is held on Friday...because I love my PTO peeps, but I'll be teaching. Now they know that I always find some way, even if it's only 30 minutes or so while my class is at recess, to try and contribute some time. But I got a different request for today...and I was excited!!

The PTO President called me one day last week and asked if I could rap on Monday! Yeah, ME!! I knew I was kinda booked up already but I felt a little light headed with the excitement and before I knew it I said, "Of course I can!" She then told me that it was BYOS (bring your own scissors) but I barely heard her because I had Beastie Boys, Nelly, 2Pac, all rhyming in my head with the anticipation. After I had time to recall the conversation later very repetitively as any good girl with OCD would do, I wondered why the heck I needed scissors? All I could think of was "I will cut you!"

But whatever, I had some rappin' to do, so I found scissors so they'd let me in. I couldn't decide what I should wear...high tops? thick gold chains? a grill?

I wasn't sure what they would request to hear so I quickly brushed up on some Run DMC...

"One day when I was chillin' in Kentucky Fried Chicken...
just mindin' my business, eatin' food and finga lickin' ...
This dude walks up lookin' strange and kinda funny...
Went up to the front, with a menu and his money..."

I ran through a few Nelly songs, whipped out Salt n Pepa...I was getting so excited with every mile I traveled. I tilted my hat to the side, pulled my pants down about seven inches so my boxers would show, and I walked inside. I exagerated a limp, and I finally made it to the PTO room.

The blood ran out of my face when I saw the President there, with wrapping paper...she was ready to WRAP! My heart is so sad tonight, I was so close! Next time Lady, be sure you spell out what you are asking...some of us get confused! lol

Because I knew...

I tried to go back to sleep when my husband's alarm woke me at 2:45 this morning. For almost an hour I listened to him get ready for work, I listed to him open cabinet after cabinet as if I had moved all the dishes and he could find nothing...but I didn't get up to help. I kept lying there, hoping I'd drift back off to sleep. I did not. But I didn't get mad, because I knew...

And because I wanted to save him from the grotesque vision of a wife with a cold, I waited until I heard his car backing out of the driveway to get up. It was almost four. With tissues in hand, my runny nose and I went straight to the bathroom. I knew when I looked in the mirror, I had made a good decision by waiting til he left to get out of bed....ugh! But I didn't feel sorry for myself, because I knew...

I started the coffee and read some blogs. I cooked breakfast for the kids and eventually got myself ready for the day. I am an 'on call' substitute teacher so I kinda have to. I took the children to school and raced back home where I began laundry, cleaning the bathroom, even dinner (crock pot). I had "lunch" at 9 and another at 11 (baked potato w/daughter as I paid her a surprise visit @ school) and still no one needed me to sub so I smiled as I pulled back in my driveway, because I knew...

At exactly noon, I drank my Alka-seltzer cold plus and kicked off my shoes. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I turned the TV on in my bedroom to a movie of no interest and placed my head on my pillow. It wasn't long after that I heard machine guns. I opened my eyes and I knew...

I looked at the clock at it read 12:45, I had just spent the last 45 minutes in a blissful daytime coma, and they are the BEST! Ahh, refreshed and blessed. This may not happen again until 2012 but I enjoyed every peaceful minute.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I have a hidden talent. I do lots of things while unaware I catch up on some ZZZZZZZs.

I'm coming clean here today because last night I ALMOST answered a teacher's call while I was asleep. Sure it was only 9:30 but I'd already been asleep for over an hour. I actually walked into the living room to retrieve this call when apparently my brain heard the phone ringing, it just forgot to wake up. Luckily all I did was pick up the phone without answering and stare at the caller ID. Unfortunately, I've actually answered some calls while dozing! Here is how my last conversation went as I spoke on the phone to someone while asleep.

Me: "Hello"
Brother-in-law: "Is Chad there?"
Me: (in a very LOUD and high pitched voice) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law:(giggling-thinking I'm making fun of him) "Yeah, is Chad there?"
Me: (remaining LOUD and high pitched) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law: (realizing I'm insane) "Is he at the cabin?"
Me: (remaining Loud and high pitched) "Is he at the cabin?"
Brother-in-law: (scared of me now) "Oh, ok...well I'll talk to you later."
Me: (still insane) "Is he at the cabin?"

I hung the phone up and my husband's sweet little sleepy voice wakes me when he questions my conversation. He has since revoked my phone-by-the-bed privileges and we no longer have the ringer turned on in our room. I'm fully aware of what has happened IF someone wakes me, but otherwise, it all becomes a 4-D dream I'll not even realize I've participated in.

So how did I wake up last night? When the phone quit ringing, I put it back down, and went to crawl back into bed. Instead of trying to get back in on my side of the bed, I thought it would be best to creep up the middle.? I placed one hand around my husband's bare ankle. It wasn't so much the contact with bare skin that woke me, it was the way he jumped about four feet. His entire body flew up as if he were Regan from The Exorcist...and THAT is what woke me up!

Dear Teachers...

Today is July 1st. For stay-at-home moms, this means that in just 6 more weeks, school begins. For teachers, this means...wholly crap I only have six more weeks of sanity as they book last minute vacations to try and pack as much fun possible into their FREEDOM.

When I decided to be a stay-at-home mom, I sat down and made a chart. The chart listed the days of the week, and which chores I would do on what days...(what a joke). What I found after my first few days at home with small children is that you won't vacuum on Mondays and Thursdays...you might vacuum three times on Monday, and then not touch the vacuum for eight days. You won't change bedding on Wednesdays, you will change it four times some weeks and then not at all other weeks because you've forgot all about it during the mountains of other laundry you've done. You'll go weeks without dusting sometimes because you rarely sit down long enough to actually look closely at your furniture.

So let's just say, for those of us who have become accustomed now to having our children in school, while taking care of our homely duties, it's a bit of adjustment having them here...every...single...day. So without blinking, we typically welcome the school year back with open arms. The kids are getting bored now. They miss their friends.

However, we've worked so hard this summer at renovating our home that we've barely had a summer break this year. So this time, I'll actually be sad to see the six weeks wind down. I've not had enough time yet. I want cookouts, I want to swim, I want a tan, I want my hair to naturally lighten from the sun....I've not had enough time.

But Dear Teachers;
As we approach the 2011/2012 school year beginning August 15, I am still a substitute teacher. I am prebooking for August 16 for those of you who go in that first day, and suddenly feel ill. There isn't anyone gonna stand there when you tell them you threw up saying "Ok, show it to me next time." So book in advance if you feel a virus coming your way.

**Disclaimer**
This DOES NOT APPLY to Kindergarten teachers. Sorry, I'd be more tempted to rock the poor babies that cry the first few days so I'm gonna let you dry up all tears the first few weeks before I volunteer to do K. (just kidding!)

Have a wonderful Fourth of July everyone! I plan to not vacuum on Saturday, not do laundry on Sunday and not dust on Monday during this long weekend. It's so much easier accepting NOT TO DO lists!

Because we are the Blakelys, and that's how we roll...

I have to admit, I need one off-day a week...while everyone else is away at work/school...just to catch-up and mentally process the days that passed. If you have ever met us, you know we are some crazy people up in hurr! Mama needs some time to write out all the insanity so that when I do lose it for real, someone can remind me all the glorious things that led up to my mental deficit.

My kids...love 'em love 'em love 'em...but I've had to learn to laugh-off many incidences that would have really sent a normal person over the edge. Like when Brook wrote Gage's name on the bathroom wall...how did we know it was her? She used her own pink fingernail polish! Yep...I'm still waiting for the laugh on that one...let's move on.

What about all the random quotes my kids' (ahem, GAGE) gives faculty at school? ESPECIALLY when I'm around...remember I do work there part-time as a sub too, so they are MY CO-WORKERS!! It's a wonder any of them even call me to work-as nutty as my kids make me look! The most random quote ever that wins the blue ribbon is when my kids jump out of the car and before they could shut the door, they tell the Assistant-Principal that I WANT TO DANCE FOR HIM!!! Most random thing ever!! Now-here's where that came from...

I always try to embarrass my kids as much as possible-as you can see, the little rats deserve it! So this particular morning, I said that when we pull up at school, I was gonna start dancing in the car to embarrass them in front of their friends...
The only thing I could possibly do after he told the man this random information, is shake my head and drive-off, I couldn't hold up the car line just to get myself outta that mess! So from now on, when my kids tell you something completely off the wall just remember, we are the Blakelys...and that's how we roll...

Answered Prayers...

I can not tell you how many times I've looked at these faces and prayed that time could just stand still for a moment. Just this morning as I knelt beside my daughter's bed as she peacefully slept, I looked at every freckle on her little nose, I kissed her forehead and I just wished the clock would stop for a little while so I could sit beside her bed and just watch.

Unfortunately, children wake when their Moms reek of coffee and their brows furrow in anger knowing it's time to get ready for a long day at school. What I once thought were the sweetest, most perfect little lips will part and the odor that seeps out will confirm that children DO gargle with sulfur before bed. Words will pass over those perfect little lips that I never intended to teach my children but just for that moment...before they wake...

Unfortunately, time did stand still today-it was just a few hours late during Lady F's aerobics class. Now, despite what some people think, the name Lady F isn't intended to imply I call her a bad name. Her name actually begins with an F so that is why I call her that-those of you who take her classes can feel free to call her the bad word if you need to do so-she may have earned it.

If you were in class today and wondered why the HECK I kept checking my phone any chance I could...it's because I had hoped some teacher was desperately needing to get in touch with me so I could rush out of class and say, "OOOPS, sorry, I've been called in to work!" Guess what? That didn't happen. When I saw "Lady F" and "Tall T" on the elliptical BEFORE class I knew something was wrong with them we were in BIG trouble. Some of the runners decided to go catch a quick mile before class, who does that?  I chose to walk around aimlessly until class began.

Once it started, it didn't let up. That's when God decided to answer one of my prayers...time actually stood still. I'm not kidding. I wondered if I was the only one who had been 'chosen' for this time warp-it was really weird and scary! No matter how many REPEATERS we did, no matter how many CRAZY STEPS she ordered us to do, the clock didn't seem to move forward. I had hoped it was a nightmare and I'd wake up at any minute but what seemed to be 3 hours of high impact shock to every body part I lug around-didn't seem to advance the clock much. Maybe Lady F's clock runs on 1-Miss-sa-sip-peeeee, (deep breath) 2-Miss-sa-sip-peeeee......who knows?

But the GREAT NEWS is this...
Friday I was not terribly surprised that my doc put me on blood pressure meds. My bottom figure was over a hundred in his office-it should be 80 or lower. Anyway-I've been on meds all weekend and it has hovered in the 90's-Sunday after Zumba it did get down to 89 on bottom so it must be true-exercise IS good for your blood pressure. Yesterday it was 132/93 and this morning right before class it was 118/90. When I left Lady F's class, I went straight home and checked it again...the lowest it's been in YEARS!!!  114/85-yes I was exhausted but I can't believe that it has finally been confirmed....LADY F is really really good for me. Granted, it's still out of the 'normal' range but going from 100-110 on the bottom (prior to meds) to an 85 after an intense workout-I'm super excited!!! So looks like more exercise is in my future!

She's The One...

So I go to Lady F's class this morning even though I'm not feeling it, and I half way hoped she had called in sick. Nothing major, a sinus infection or something simple that she would get over in a few days, but to my dismay, she was there-and it looked like she had a lot of energy. I felt like I was gonna throw up.

I waited and waited for my secret "emergency medical team" to arrive. I've decided that my friends Carolyn and Tiffany would be the most likely to make sure the Paramedics are called in a timely fashion should I fall out in class. But my "emergency medical team" never showed. I got nervous. Lady F wouldn't call for help til she had at least three down so who was gonna take care of me today? I scanned the room and there she was. My new friend Sharonda. I had to make eye contact with her so she knew I was there and that I could possibly need her help. She's a Massage Therapist and when I saw her trying to weasel her way out of class early saying she had an appointment, I knew she was The One. I had to move fast, so I went over and talked to her. When my life was possibly at stake here, I couldn't rely on eye contact. I made small talk and think to myself, that should do it. She knows I have kids, she'll be glad to leave class and go call 911 if I needed her to.

I knew I was in for trouble when Personal Trainer "Bar" shouted "OFF with the fans!!" So I smiled, glad I didn't pick her as my EMT-those fitness folks stick together! We began class and I immediately left my body and watched myself go through the motions, waiting for me to fall over. We were almost finished with class when my asthma kicked in. I've been having issues w/my asthma during Zumba and other exercises but I forgot to take a puff from inhaler today so I had to run out and get it. Class soon after ended. Thank God!

As I was walking out the door, I realized I didn't want to even drive myself home. I was exhausted. I turned around to see if Sharonda was anywhere in sight. She lived closer I'm sure, maybe I could go home with her. I'm guessing it would be inappropriate to ask her if I could. I didn't even want her couch, the front porch was perfect. I could nap for a while and then go home. But I remembered she had an appointment so I was on my on. Darn.

Now I've showered and have eaten as much as could pack down my throat and I must go play first grade teacher for the remainder of my day. Wonder if I can convince them it's nap time?

Turn the Page...

I realize that I'm completely insane for waking at 3:45 am, but I could honestly go to bed at 7pm every night if the little people that live with me would LET ME, but since that isn't an option I watch the clock and retire by 8:30. Do I jump outta bed and shout Hey I wanna go sweat for an hour and rush home to shower and finish getting the kids ready for school so I can work/clean/care for/shop/shuttle/forget to eat lunch I'm so busy the rest of the day?...however, when my eyes pop open, I get up if it's appropriate timing, and I do consider 3:45 appropriate.

However, the reward I get, comes after I arrive to my spin class (which is currently my favorite for my schedule-but I try to squeeze in a variety of classes). My reward is in the music, mostly. There is nothing like visions of my neighboring spinner "Mr. Bucky", one of our town's finest, cycling at full speed to some Soulja Boy, Metallica, AC/DC or Flo Rida. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking, is he listening to this music, does he like it? Cause I'm lovin' it!

Today we had a real treat. New music to jam to while spinning as fast as we can on our imaginary route to nowhere. It had a mix to some crazy hair band groups that used to be plastered to my closet door, back in the day. Groups like Guns N Roses, Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Extreme and maybe even some Poinson. We were rockin' and rollin' I tell ya. Then it happened. Bob Seger came on. It was the real Bob Seger, not an imitation jingle singer impersonating him like some exercise music is. Turn the Page poured from the Spin Room at The Gym and I heard voices. Not the kind inside my head this time but grown men, singing the lyrics to this song, and it was awesome...not necessarily the singing, just the fact we were all exhausted, we were all sweaty and stinky and we had survived the hour of spin with "The Landlord".

"The Landlord" actually owns the gym and she teaches classes too, so I have to be careful not to give her dirty looks like I do many of my other instructors. She might sentence me to 30 laps or some cruel and unusual punishment-like 2 hrs w/Lady F or turn Bee loose on me (shutter). Gotta go rest up for another spin class in the morning, then I'm off to sub at school. Let us pray.

I can't lift my arms....

Again, I tried something new at The Gym. I've had this instructor many times before, in fact she's the main character in my fitness history which goes back hundreds of years since I had a decade gap in my exercises. This class was called TBW-total body workout. Given that I know this lady, she used to keep me skinny, I knew that I could do it. The main question was how much ibuprofen do I have left!

I walked into the room at 5:15 am, all the insane people standing behind their steps, ready to sweat it out before work. I knew I'd fit right in, on the verge of failing sanity myself...which I like to call determination. If 5 am is the only time I can get to the gym, then I'm going, they are open! I have a long list of excuses that no one wants to hear anymore, it's easier to just go, work off my stress, wash it all off in the shower, pour it down the drain and have a fantastic day...it's become a choice really...feel bad or feel good...stressed or relaxed...sleepless nights or sweet dreams...

There were men attending this class (not the first time I've seen men in her class) so common sense should have told me to hop on a treadmill instead. Nope, she'd already spotted me and called me by name...I had to stay! I look around and they have steps, weights, mats, exercise balls, and BARBELLS...

I've never used those, I thought they were for decoration! So I got a very light set of weights, and I barely added any weight to the barbell because like I said, I know this instructor and I am no fool. Total body workout...hmmm, can't be that bad. If I can suffer make it through Lady F's spin class the day before, where she YELLED at us with her "100 % GO GO GO GO!!!" and live through the near-death experience, I could do this. Besides, the room was packed so I felt sure that someone in there knew some basic medic skills that could save me if I collapsed.

I survived. I have the amazing ability to detach from myself and watch me workout without feeling the immediate pain. I stepped back and watched the poor old mama me shake as she reached the final set of the hundred and fifty chest presses, the eighty-five reps of shoulder raises, and the sixty other upper body exercises we did. I watched carefully to make sure no one else saw the 35 year old body convulse as her weak arms lifted the small tiny weights. Everyone else in the room was using double the dumbbells she was, but she was the smart one, she knew her limits...

Here it is the morning after, and I can't lift my arms...is that normal? I plan to spend my day bending my arms at the elbows rather than shoulders so if you see me and I act strange, or don't wave, it's because I have two non functioning limbs right now and not because I forgot my deodorant. My 'hangy down thangs' as my daughter calls them, aka triceps are in a great deal of pain as well...I'm still trying to figure out what those are for anyway...And don't assume I'm doing a self-breast exam in public, I'm simply massaging muscle (and I use the term lightly) that is forming underneath all the padding...because I'm in pain...and I didn't win the free massage this week for doing the Fitness Challenge so I'm on my own here!

As I take my day off from The Gym, I know I'll return tomorrow night as I meet up with some friends there. I'll need a good workout after I sub at the high school tomorrow!

I'm getting fit to become a better dancer. Whether it be Zumba class or crunkin' in my crib, I plan on gettin' my groove back. I used to be able to dance, and I plan on doing that again!

Hi-Skewwww

Lots of times when I meet a new sub, I'll say, "So do you go over to the high school too?" And more times than not, I'll get a "NO WAY!" before I can finish my sentence.

There are certain risks going over there...headaches, heart failure, stroke, disfigurement, not to mention to risk of ambulatory phychotic treatment are all possible side effects of being a sub in a high school, but you usually survive. All the kids think their real teachers are mean...but nice don't work here. Even some of the sweetest ladies I know are teachers and subs at the high school and have a reputation but after one day over there, you'd understand why.

The minute kids see a sub they get excited. Even the sweet looking girls will try to deceive you tell you they are supposed to just sit there listening to MP3 players. Some come in talking about a fight that is supposed to happen during break, some smile at the sub and some come in and go to sleep immediately. I overhear kids talking about all kinds of various things from inappropriate to silly, to drugs, to everything under the sun, but if they are in quiet, private conversations after they have finished their work, I let them be. Nothing I can say or do will change their behavior outside of school. They get things like that from their real teachers. Some have actually flashed their hands in the air and said, "It's just a sub" when they realize they've said something borderline inappropriate too loudly. I can't stand that! It's like screeching fingernails down an old chalkboard!

Some kids, especially girls, tend to have the smart mouths...or attitude. They dislike when a sub is left no assignments but she teaches anyway...**grin** Yep, I may not know how to teach band or music class to high schoolers, but I know what symbolism is. So when people take advantage of quiet time, and use that to dance around the room, talk in their loud man voices about 15 dbs too loud, or ask to go to the restroom one by one...I whip out symbolism. "What is a symbol?" I ask, but I forgot this was music class so I got "a percussion instrument"...

We discussed symbolism in "The 12 Days of Christmas", they actually found it interesting-at least the 9th grade music class did...we even talked about "Every Rose Has its Thorn". We went over the various symbolic meanings of roses, their colors and even how Romans used the term 'sub-rosa' meaning under the rose at meetings, hanging roses above the meeting table at times which meant they kept that matter private/secret...we even discussed some rap and country songs. That worked for about 15 minutes...but I assured them I love to write and that if they got loud again, I'd have them pick a song and break it down, writing me the symbolic meanings of lyrics, etc.

I also assured them that I'll be back several times next month for that class and I'd have tons of writing assignments on standby....sometimes you just have to show them, you're not just a sub. Pretty soon the unruly ones will realize that I am no 

and if I leave some place for ambulatory psychotic treatment, it'll be from my home due to my own kids, not someone elses!

The kids from Heaven

Although I'm very thankful for my kids, and I'm sure they were sent from Heaven, I'm not referring to them today...nope. Our day started on the wrong foot when Brook awoke MAD!! "What's wrong with this stupid thang?!?!" She shouted. Deep breath in, deep breath out...I know when she wakes like this, it's never good. I enter her room to find her trying her best to be a good girl underneath that harsh frowning exterior...she was trying to make her bed but her comforter was sideways. "My stupid bed grew!!"

Apparently she had a good day at school, they knew where to find me if she got outta hand, but I didn't see her all day. Gage always has a good day so no worries there. But putting them together after school for the 30 min car trip through pouring rain with a malfunctioning contact (I could not wait to get that out of my eye when I got home!) makes for a very stressful trip to the dentist. He's getting more mature so he straightened up...she did not. She went to bed at 6:30 last night, I stand by my decision!

Yesterday (and again today) I have found the kids from Heaven. I am not joking when I say I had to 'shhh' them maybe ONCE. The entire group was mature, eager to learn, and quiet. At first, I was a little creeped out by it, who's that good? I was afraid maybe there was a rumor I was the wicked witch teacher or something and I'd cast a spell if they spoke or moved or breathed. I was careful to be extra polite and to give them extra smiles, I didn't want to be the wicked witch. But as the day went on, I realized they talked, just quietly, they didn't seem scared of me at all, they gave me all kinds of artwork at the end of the day (one said 'you are awesome' the others were pictures and even a homemade horse that stood up on its own, I so needed a paper horse!)...What a great class! Not that any of my others have been horrible, these kids are just Angels. We'll see if they do as well today as they did yesterday!

Oh, I'm afraid I've ruined this teacher for good. She can't go home complaining of her horrible day at work!! Nope, I won't believe it!! lol, she's doing a great job though!!

Today I needed chocolate...

...and I stole some from the teacher I was working for. She wasn't there obviously and needed me to sub for her, and I was very desperate! She had a jar FULL of Hershey's Kisses and I swear they were smiling at me. I ignored them, I gave them dirty looks, and then I ate them...several of them. I felt so bad, she'll know it was me, and who wants a candy thief working for them...so I left her a note and some change...lol.

Lunch is what actually what pushed me over the edge. I sat w/a bunch of first graders...WHOSE MAMAS PUT BROWNIES, AND FANCY CAKES from Little Debbie in their lunchboxes. I begged the kids to give them to me and they refused. So when I got back to the room I cracked and had 3 Kisses. So today I needed chocolate, and I took it, without asking...shame on me.

The C word !!

I LOVE first graders!! Yes, if you had to spend every single day with fifteen six year olds who are all so demanding different, you'd want to poke your eyeballs out a break occasionally and this where I come in...the sub!

Last time I had these guys I met "my little sweetheart" who had lost a tooth 'cause it bled when he washed it so the doctors removed it...read that story if you haven't already, ADORABLE KID !!! So I was completely looking forward to what conversations would unfold during my day in first grade...

First, I should explain that first graders are a little less forgiving when subs do not do things EXACTLY LIKE THE TEACHER so I do my best...it's hard having fifteen critics constantly telling you that you were supposed to read them a book after snack and not after lunch....but hey, I've learned to admit "I am trying to entertain you kids so you don't go home crying do things the right way but as long as we get it all in, the teacher will be so happy."

Back to my little sweetheart who I almost did not recognize because he forgot his glasses. Well, I met a little opposition from one kid in the room who did not want to draw me a picture of a person doing their job in a familiar place (fireman/fighting fire, teacher/school) as we discussed nouns (people and places) and then write me a sentence about it...he preferred to be doing cartwheels or punching holes in his water bottle which would leak all over himself and the floor...so I continued to speak and ignore his comments but not my little sweetheart...he marched up to my desk, with a look on his face like he had just witnessed a major crime and he patiently reported the information...
"Now, now, I believe I just heard (he looks back at the defendant to make sure he's accusing the correct criminal kid) yep, I believe I just heard the C word !!" I'm saying every curse word in my head trying to remember the C word hoping he doesn't see me smile so I look sternly at the defendant and say nothing. My little sweetheart is nodding his head and patiently and politely accusing the kid of the C word crime and then the accused says, "Crap???" I simply shh him and point to his paper hoping this will just blow over and not be a big deal. I tell the sweetheart to go back to his seat and assure him that was kind of an inappropriate word and that it would hurt my feelings if I hear it again. Luckily it worked.

This same sweetheart got nervous (again) when he got behind on a test and came up to me and said, "with all this racket, it's making my minds a crazy" as he made dramatic swirling motions around his little head. I had the kids quieten down and assured him my minds were crazy too, lol.

After that, he told me in front of the whole class that my name and his teacher's name sure were very nice names (wink wink) and a couple of the boys said, "oooooh I'm gonna tell Mrs. W when she comes back!!" and the adorable sweetheart said proudly, "Don't mind if you do! And be sure to tell her we'll have a new student in here beginning next week!"

I heart first graders

Journey to the Gym V (and flowerless flowers)

I was all  hyped up this morning, ready for the gym...excited I would soon be reduced to tears by 'Lady F' only to walk through the doors and have her chicken out tell me class was cancelled due to all the crazies other ladies deciding to go run for miles and miles and miles and miles (I don't run). So I grabbed a treadmill and worked up my own sweat...which worked out fine because I made it home sooner and was able to eat an extra lunch do some laundry.

I wasn't in the mood to push myself too much since I had been completely exhausted yesterday after a field trip (1st grade)to a local farm. We live in the country, farms are nothing new. The challenge is adding in hundreds of other people on the same farm for school field trips, counting heads like every thirty seconds, lying to telling the kids "we'll eat soon!" when they all ask every six seconds "When can we eat??" By the end of the day, I had no desire to even walk to the car. I seriously felt like lying in the grass and waiting until my husband or someone else drove right up to me and lifted me inside the vehicle. I am old. But luckily I am not the only one because one of these first grade teachers called me and asked that I fill in for her the last half of Friday so she could get the heck outta Dodge! Hope she is having fun footballin'!

Just before I walked out the door to go to work, I received an automated e-alert that my daughter had completed another Accelerated Reader quiz on her library book at school (parents have the option to sign up and receive the test scores automatically, love that!) When I looked closely I was discouraged because she only made a 30. Then I took a second look and saw that she was testing on The American Revolution...she is six years old. I asked her teacher (who teaches next to the room I was subbing in) if she knew B had tested on The American Revolution and luckily she was able to delete this mishap and get her to test on her actual library book Young Chrissy...whew! Not sure how B typed in American Revolution though! lol

As soon as I walked in the classroom for my subbing job, I got hugs and smiles and many said, "Hey Brooklyn's Mom!!" I just love first graders! Despite the fact that three girls cried on me (not my fault!). One fell out of her chair, got embarrassed, put her head down and sobbed but when I told her about me falling out of my chair(as an adult-some of you may have witnessed it, lol) and how embarrassed I was, she smiled and it was over. One girl cried when someone wasn't gonna be her friend and still another made a mistake on her math test and was unsure if she could correct it...(she did) and once again all were smiling their toothless grins. One little girl brought me the prettiest bunch of grass flowerless flowers back from P.E. Did I say I just love first graders?!!! So adorable.

Had a fantastic day, kids are so cute...I love my jobs. I would also love a pedicure this weekend, along with an eyebrow waxing...I need a little hygiene pampering!! Can't wait for Zumba Sunday at The Gym.

Conversations of the day...

Sometimes I find it hard to believe I actually take part in many of these conversations each day...

This morning I had to send a text to my husband..."do something w the dead bird on garbage can when u get home" ... and I'm sure the cat likely polished it off before he could make it home, however, my children found the helpless bird before school, placed it on the plastic grave and adorned it w/tiny purple flowers as any proper bird grave would have....

Stressful day at school but soooo worth it all (read on)...
One kid says to me, "Did my Mama give you permission to whoop me?" and I always heed caution when I hear things like this before the bell even rings...as if he's warning me, he's gonna push my buttons today...he did end up in isolation (desk by himself) before my time was up in that class *grin*

Didn't even get a lunch today because I pulled double duty, working 2 half days for different teachers. Upper grade first who was going to lunch when my shift ended and lower grade who had already eaten when I began...HOWEVER I got to enjoy 2 P.E.s today so I ate during one of those.


Went to my next class and as they returned from P.E. one child has a small scrape under his eye where he tripped and fell while gone, he was fine but wanted to go look at it so I let him. He came back and was telling me it was stinging and I suggested he tell his family when he got home (it had been looked at already by proper personnel) , "They may have something to put on it." In deep thought he says, "...like Clorox?" and I immediately say, "No, no, something safe, ask an adult at home, they can find something, never try to put medicine on it yourself okay?" and he agreed to ask for help!

Same class, I say "Get out your Science books" and one kid goes, "Bigguns?" (they have big books and smaller workbooks)  and I say "Yes, get the bigguns out." And no one thought anything of it. *smile*

Same class, one kid, out of the blue walks up to me w/his cute big ears and opens his mouth which was completely blank up front, top and bottom and silver as far back as I could see. Adorable child says to me, "You know how I lost this tooth? I went to the doctors, it was bleeding when I washed it...I ain't gonna brush it for another week or two weeks." I smile, something I always do when I'm thinking of the proper response. He turned back to me and smiled, "And I'm glad you're one of our teachers."

Same class, same kid ten minutes before school got out. Other kids were packing up their desks for the end of day, cleaning the trash off the floor and my little sweetheart came up to me in tears holding his unfinished paper and said, "I'm very frustrated!" and he wipes away a tear. I had previously given them diction where I say some words and they write them down and then a final short sentence to try and write. Others were finished and turning in papers and Mr. Frustrated didn't hear the last section I called out. I smiled and took his paper and asked him to sit beside me. I assured him I was very frustrated as well, the kids were getting too loud and he quit crying when he found out I was also frustrated. I threatened the others with conduct checkmarks quietened the children and we finished his paper. He was happy. Bell rang and I got the usual hugs from a couple of girls but nothing more special than when that little boy turned around again, gums gleaming through his lips, and said, "Whew, thank you for helping teach me, I'm so glad you taught me."

and that's all I needed.........

Blount County Education Examiner

So I passed a few weeks ago on the idea of having a 3rd Examiner title but due to the toll of regret which is keeping me up at night, I've changed my mind and I've taken my final title for now. When my page is set up, it will look similar to my other two;
Etowah Co Special Needs Kids Examiner
Etowah Co Stay-at-Home Moms Examiner
You can however, go ahead and check out the Facebook page and as soon as my Examiner page is set up and the first article goes up (over the weekend) you'll be able to see it! They are still working out the kinks w/the site upgrade so hopefully I'll be set soon.

Here's how it will work. I'll stay current w/all the schools located w/in the borders of Blount Co Alabama via websites and word of mouth, etc. Any of you who are directly affiliated w/fundraisers, events, sports, pageants, awards, PTO, etc. can send me pics or info and I'll gladly post them as soon as possible. I want to help you get the word out about your fantastic kids, what's going on in the schools today. Even if you are unsure if it is school related, go ahead and send it in, I have my ways of making things fit! It can be Oneonta City School or preschool, or Blount Co Schools, all education w/in the county, even adult ed classes will qualify!

I'm very excited about this topic since I went to school inside Blount County at Oneonta City School so feel free to email me (see Facebook for address) and tell your family and friends so they can stay current on school activities as well. I imagine w/the passion I have for the subject and the numerous story ideas, we will keep this topic quite active. Looking forward to writing for you! I will post the site and first article soon!!

youR SO Awsome

And you see why I stayed for almost a week with these kids when their tiny little teacher became very ill during the second week of school. It was almost sad on my last day because I've grown to know them, their evil tricks  clever and intelligent ideas, and they knew when they had shredded my last nerve Mrs. Blakely is serious about completing an assignment before we sing songs whisper to our neighbor. But it was a bittersweet parting this week, I am free to move on to other classes and their very missed teacher is well and they can take their tests I've prepared them for and move on to new material. But I'm glad I RocK and that I'm Awsome....so adorable six grade! Thank You!

School has begun...

...and so have the questions from my six year old...such as, "Mama why do some teachers have white dots under their arm?" It's still reaching temps close to 100 degrees down here in the South so I had to tell her it's deodorant where the teachers have been sweating!
 I've been hard at work already putting in hours as a substitute teacher (which I love). The best thing about being a sub is you don't usually have the same kids day after day after day....so when you get one that wants to tell you about the book he's reading, EVERY SINGLE DETAIL, you can patiently listen to him for the last fifteen minutes of class and know that there is at least one kid in here who is actually reading! Had I been his real teacher I'd likely had asked him to write it all out in a book report because there's no way I can stand there for 15 min without nodding off  while the other 16 kids need my attention also. So I smiled, patiently, tried walking off a few times to correct a student here and there but even though he'd get annoyed w/me, he was determined to give me all the details of this book. Good reading bud!
I've not spent much time in the car line yet since I've been working, that's where I usually find loads of entertainment. You just wouldn't believe people! So feed your children lots and lots of sugar before school, give them energy drinks, so I can spend my day asking them to, "Find a home for your bottom!" or "Park it right here!" Who knows, maybe I'll be the one with white dots under my arms before the day is up!