BacK To SKooL ChEckliSt

That's right, it is BACK TO SCHOOL for the kiddos today! What people don't realize is that we who work in the school, have a list too. It might not include pencils and notebooks but we must be sure we are ready for when those doors open! Here's my list:

5.  Swimsuit ready. No I don't need to look good in a swimsuit but it must be clean, laid out and ready for me to put it on immediately when school gets out. The thought of jumping in the water after a long hard day of being Wonder Woman will soothe any first day of school!

4.  Complete preserving. The garden, the vines, the fruit trees were quite plentiful this season. All weekend I have jarred and preserved countless cans of jellies and jams. I put up corn, jarred the last of the tomatoes and we're in good shape for the school year on these items! Nothing like getting home and opening a can of "fresh" garden veggies or "fresh" fruit and being able to feed your family with all its goodness. You know exactly what's in it, and you know where it came from.

3.  Treadmill time. I don't walk mile after mile every week for any other reason than to be able to get where I'm going should I ever be confined to my feet. If my car breaks down three miles from home, I should be able to walk home if needed, and I'm confident I could do that. If 430+ kids, 50 faculty members AND one Principal give chase, I should be able to run away from them. I am confident I can run (a short distance) or at least walk swiftly to the main highway where I would call a friend to pick me up. (Hey, it's hot in Alabama right now, I do need air conditioner)

2.  Bug-out bag. My bug-out bag is in the trunk where it will remain at all times. In the bag is a change of clothes, first aid kit, water/food, and tons of other emergency supplies should the weather change quickly one day, and I get trapped at school with children. Our weather here is such a drama queen. It can be semi-warm, sun shining one day and thirty minutes later people are abandoning cars on the side of the road because an mini ice-age has frozen everything, including our mountain roads.

1.  Coffee & hymns. I love coffee and coffee mugs. I have a stockpile so that I will NOT run out and can travel with my addiction anywhere I need to go. It is imperative that I consume as much of this liquid gold each and every morning before I step foot outside. I also love church hymns. I turn the satellite radio on every morning and hear all the goodness as I prepare for my day. I will refer back to the hymns throughout my day when the phone is ringing off the hook, a child is in my office crying, or a parent is in my office crying, or a teacher is in my office crying....Unclouded Day or Farther Along can get me back to where I need to be!

Okay, I think I'm ready. When you actually work in a school, every single day can be different. There are some things you can't actually prepare for and I know this but I have my top 5 down. I'm ready for backpacks, school buses, fresh haircuts and smiling faces!

What Parents Do When Left Unattended

It is Summer, thank you Lord! It is actually HOT Summer. Which means about mid-day, the teenage boy can be found looking up guitar videos and playing extremely loud electric guitar jumping from one song to the next and we have encouraged his talent. The tween girl can be found lying on her bed playing games on her phone and mom...well, mom just realized I could disappear and nobody would even know it...so I did.

You see, when parents are left unattended, they can sometimes be found in the opposite direction of their kids. I've hid in the bathroom before, I've hid in my room...but today, no today, I hid in the swimming pool.

I quietly tiptoed through the house with my cover-up on hiding the swimsuit so nobody would know that the beach towel in my hand was leading me out the door and eventually to MY chair, my lay-out in the sun lounge chair! I was careful not to creak the door when I slipped unnoticed outside. With only my weight and age slowing me down I sprinted as fast as I could to the backyard water resort discarding the cover-up and towel as I climbed the ladder. I smiled as I jumped in creating refreshing waves which felt cool on my bare back. I looked back at the door and realized, I had done it. Nobody even knew I had left the house.

I cleaned the pool for 20 minutes getting my arm exercises in for the day. Still no one had reported me missing and I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad about that....so I chose happy! I plopped myself up on pink pool float and grabbed up a noodle and some various pool toys, and I tossed them around, dove under to retrieve them, splashed my feet, dodged the darting June bugs and still, I was alone. I laid my head back, pulled my shades down and just floated. I must have been out there a good 45 minutes by now and still, nobody even cared.

As I lied with my eyes shut for a while drifting in and out a dream-like state, I saw a large shadow float over my closed lids. I opened my eyes, tried to focus with the noon sun blaring down on me, and there were four huge buzzards flying high over me. I realized I must have looked like a white floating corpse so I moved around, dove under the water, and just swam around in the water for a while, in the quiet country breeze.

After I had swam for well over an hour, my fingertips were wrinkled and I decided to dry out in my chair. Feeling very accomplished for my actions I picked up my phone, took a selfie to say "yep, I did that!" I was eventually found when the children needed something (didn't need me, just something). Not bad for somebody who found herself being left unattended! They should leave me alone more often!

Just Kill Me!!

"Oh, let's go ride that," someone said as we walked up to the very first ride at an amusement park we drove to ANOTHER STATE for...

It looked quite harmless, some frowning green fish were slowly dragging to a complete stop where happy riders were exiting swiftly to move on to their next adventure. We chatted with interest as we eagerly boarded two by two per fish. My sister and her child were just fins away and my mother had my daughter safely strapped in while my son sat next to me. Impatience set in as other riders couldn't make up their minds which fish to board. Soon everyone was buckled and we watched the ride attendant pull the lever to start the ride.

With a loud hiss of warning shooting through our ears, wind began to part my hair as we slowly began to move. I looked around and tried to smile at my other family but concern constricted my face as the speed of this ride increased rather quickly. Within seconds, my grip got so tight on the bar in front of me I could have snapped a finger off at the knuckle and never known because all of the blood was being sent straight to my heart, to keep it pumping even at the rapid and dangerous level this ride had increased its rate to. As we closed in on the first twenty-five seconds of the ride, my eyes closed tightly as my spit glands began to fill in preparation to spill anything left in my stomach. I could hear someone yelling, "KILL ME!!!! JUST KILL ME NOW!! SHUT THIS DOWN!!!" I realized it was my own child and though I couldn't open my eyes that were buried at least two inches into my skull at this point, I reach over and feel his hand that was on the bar. "MAMA, WE ARE UP HIGH, WE ARE UP IN THE AIR. KILL ME!!"

I tried to rub my little boy's hand the best I could but there was no way I could let go of the grip I had on this bar, "Just close your eyes son. Just close your eyes. The Lord is gonna get us through this. He will, just close your eyes." My face has contorted at this point as I feel like I've fallen twelve stories and then jerked sideways and back up again. I hear other people screaming and I squeeze my eyes tighter to keep them from popping out of my head. I hear a loud familiar voice as we seem to be moving faster and faster, "Jesus help us please! Help us Jesus please!" It was my voice and I know that I had to be screaming very loud and I don't have a clue how many people are being entertained by my twisted face and the Worship Service I'm trying to have because again, my jaws are holding back the saliva that is triggered when you feel like vomit is not far behind. My body feels sideways and every single muscle I own is constricted to keep me from flying out into the parking lot.

After about three minutes of this horror, I hear the sound of the motor start to quieten a little and I knew it wouldn't be long before this machine started to slow down. I could feel my body moving around in circles and lowering down at the same time. When my son could speak in his normal voice, I knew it was safe to open my eyes. We were almost at a complete stop by then and I started "the laugh". I looked around at my family and we all began to laugh with that crazed hysteria that I found comfort in, knowing they too had just survived the same terror I had.

We all unbuckled and quickly walked away from the ride and stood under a tree. There, we wiped tears from our eyes with shaky hands as we quickly made an adult pact to NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EVER EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN. The kids were horrified but in hilarity rather than horror....and that was just the beginning of our amusement park fun for this weekend...

But on a lighter note, we got in a great workout. My arms, my buttocks and stomach are all so sore! I mean I was clamped up in that seat so tight, the only thing moving was my voice in a panic scream.

My Tattoo

Yes, I got a tattoo...but more on that later!

Today, we went to a local water park with our church and had a ball. I'm currently in my PJs drinking chocolate milk and waiting until at least sunset before I collapse for the night...if I actually get to sleep. You see, there's this thing...with my back. Oh, I'm not injured...how do I put it?

I guess I should have known something was wrong when every time I walked toward someone their lower jaw fell downward pulling their upper and lower eyelids as far apart as they could go. Some were compassionate enough to say, "Oh, you are red!!" But they were wrong. I'm not so much red...I'd say I'm half past magenta or a deep, dark firebrick...which is at least three stages past red. Oh yea! And I was wearing 50 SPF. Apparently it wasn't the best at being waterproof...now ya tell me, as I sit shivering in my recliner trying to keep my skin from actually boiling. It hurts.

And that's not the best part! I told you how people reacted as I walked toward them, now let me tell you what happened as I walked past people. I knew I was burned, I felt it. Strangers tried to look away but after I would pass, chuckles were emitting from all directions. Wow, they sure are having a good time, I thought. But as the day went on, I noticed it was every time I walked past someone. Finally, someone from my group pulled me aside and said, "Um, well, you have a hand print on your back,"(after they had laughed hysterically). That's right, the little girl who will remain nameless, that nearly gagged when I asked to rub lotion on my back, didn't do so hot (where is all the good free help these days)!! Apparently, I have a new tattoo!

But the way I look at it, surely it embarrassed her enough to be seen with the lady with hand tattoo on her back, that she'll do better next time. Let's hope so. Hopefully, I'll be able to wear a bra in a few days (yikes) and my second degree burns will heal quickly.

Spun

I must be insane and many of you will agree but I showed up for spin class at five this morning. I had secretly hoped my stomach would still ache like it did yesterday but I awoke without one single pain, darn. I swiped on some deodorant even though I'd smell like a hog farm when it was over and laced up my shoes and was on my merry way.

Once I arrived, I was glad to see bright and smiling faces this early in the morning, many I haven't seen since I quit showing up at the gym six months ago, it made me happy. I walked in the class as if I hadn't put on ten pounds and like I was some kinda die-hard spinner. The music began, and I spun.

My biggest concern was how sore my tail would be after we walked out of here. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, it reminds me of church. I pray. I ask for strength. I look around and it's every man for himself, we get out-what we put in. Yeah, kinda like church.

I reached for my towel as sweat began to drip and I realized only sixty seconds had passed...this was gonna be a long ride. I went up and down, spun fast and slow, went up hills and flew down them...and never left that room. I started wishing that I'd given someone my home phone number in case I passed out, but it was too late. Sweat was flying.

By the end of class, as we slowed down to cool off, I looked around my bike. I saw a BBQ potato chip, three salted peanuts and two glasses of Dr. Pepper. I was almost disappointed that with all that work and this is all that I had burned off my body until I saw that big pot of meanness. I felt much better and was so glad I went. No more stress and it felt good to have burned a few calories. It's good to start your day off right and now I'll think twice before I pick up a chip, drink two glasses of Dr. Pepper or a handful of peanuts.

Oh, and I apologize to the extreme man-cyclist behind me. Sorry you had to see "all this"...it's a work-in-progress.

Like Spiderman

I walked in hoping to go unnoticed. Accidentally making eye contact with two instructors while trying to quickly sign my child up for a Fit Kit camp, I suddenly felt as if I were under a spot light. Heat filled my shameful face as they each approached me at different times. I tried to fill one with excuses but she only looked at me as if I had thoroughly disgusted her. The other walked up wearing her three kids so there goes the excuse of "oh sorry I haven't been in like a year but my kids are out of school..." Darn.

I walked to my car before I got bullied into some heart pumping aerobic class and made my way to Wal Mart for groceries. Whew, I was home free. I felt liberated as I conquered that major task at the gym without major complications. I was smiling and minding my own business when I turned the corner and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN...the instructor I had just disgusted down at the gym. Is she like Spiderman or something? I smiled confidently since she had not caught me on the snack aisle and strutted past as if I were glad to see her again.

Milk, cheese, darn I had forgot toilet cleaner...back I go a few aisles and BAM! There she is again. I accidentally roll my eyes this time and the thought of her stalking me crossed my mind. I quickly stroll my buggy way across the store only to find her there too, snarling with venom dripping from her fang. How is this woman doing this?

My stomach turned. I quickly threw some stuff in my cart as if a snow storm is about to hit, and I still needed bread! Right as I'm about be in the clear, I hear a low growl from around the corner and I swear I hopped over three aisles as if I were a gold medalist in the Summer Olympics. I had to get away. I knew that I had not got apples but there was no way, I'd allow the predator to get her prey by risking life and limb for something that grows freely in my yard anyway. It was really a close call today, but I do believe I might need to get back to the gym...if for no other reason but to shop peacefully!

Summer Vocab Begins....Now

Mid-day today, my children will begin their summer break from school. With this break brings new and old vocabulary most often heard during this time spent together...as a family...all...summer...long. I've composed a short list of things I'm likely to say, and things that will likely come through the mouths of my growing babies...

Me

• Get that frog OUT OF HERE!!
• Check for ticks
• Does it need stitches?
• Watch for snakes!!
• Put that down!! Ewww!
• I'm not too old to do a cartwheel!!
• Ouch, I'm too old to do cartwheels
• Get that out of my house!!!
• Go get my camera!!
• I'll put it Facebook
• Run along now
• Go find Mama some chocolate
• Everyone is on SILENCE!!
• Does everyone have on shoes?

Kids

• We're out of popsicles
• I'm bored
• I'm goin' swimmin'
• Look Mama, twelve frogs
• Let's go fishin'
• He hit me
• She hit me
• Snake!!!
• I'm runnin' away and NEVER EVER EVER comin' back
• I'm hungry
• Can we stay up late?
• If we be good, can we _____

...and the list goes on and on and on...looking forward to all the summer time fun!!

Because I'm 37

Last night, as I sat watching for the sun to go down which gives me permission to go to bed, I wondered what it would be like to be 36 again. I've been 37 for a whole 20 days now and I have no idea what it would be like to be younger again. As I scrolled through the the TV channels I saw American Idol was on... so I took a chance and stopped. I used to watch the show religiously just a few short years ago but because I'm 37, I had to turn it within the first five minutes. I shivered in my disappointment both in myself for not being able to take it and in the show itself for just not appealing to me anymore, and because I'm 37, I immediately switched it to Swamp People....ahhh, much better.

I used to watch shows like Big Brother, Jersey Shore, Amazing Race, The Bachelor, etc etc. Now, I barely even watch TV, I'd rather listen to the music channels (and yes, Gospel and Bluegrass rank as high as Old Skool Rap these days!) Because I'm 37, I dislike most of the songs played on the radio. It's not cute to curse, it's not cute to talk nasty, and most of the music is just bad and I know I've reached that point in my life where I'm my mother and there's probably no going back.

I've also realized recently that I don't have time for a lot of things...3 loads of laundry a day, cooking every single day, etc. but I'm not really THAT much busier. I'm guessing it's because I'm 37, it just takes me longer to do normal activities so I don't have time to do all that I did when I was younger! Now I spend a lot of my time backtracking. Re-entering rooms to try and remember why I went there in the first place. A lot of rethinking, now what is it I was supposed to tell my husband...

Last year I did a post (click here for The Digit) about turning 36 and when I went back and read it, I have so many more ailments to add! My mother bought me some Nair for my beard and mustache so I'm good with that, but let me add some things to my Digit List...

• at 36 I started paying my children to do more around the house, they need things like 36 flashlights and notebooks for baby dolls so I no longer buy toys and things except as gifts, they have to purchase these things by cleaning my house...Because I'm old, lazy and tired.
• at 37 my hip has started hurting. I'm assuming it's all the cartwheels and cheerleading jumps I did when I was 36 trying to prove that I was still young...but because I'm 37, I realize how stupid I was at 36. Now I realize my age, and will consider the consequence of replacement surgeries for all of the joints I put at risk when I do stupid things.

Anyway, it's been a great 20 days so far, and if I make it 345 more til I turn 38, I'll be a lucky and Blessed Old Lady! And I would like to thank the little boy in the 8th grade class I substituted in this week that tried to guess my age (VERY DANGEROUS GAME) and called out 29.....I guess at age 14 that seems very old.

Hip Hoppin'

I showed up yesterday to take my sister's aerobics class down at The Gym. Being such a pretty Sunday afternoon the class was small, very small but she taught it anyway. She was previewing her cd and I heard some Metallica mixed with Lady Gaga, I heard Nirvana mixed with...something-it sounded like Rockin' Robin, but not in a horrible way, it was actually kinda good. I started to get a burst of energy just from the music so I gave her a few shouts out to get the party started and soon we were movin'. We hopped, we stepped, we lunged, we were burning some calories.

She had us use our weights during intervals and I was sure that the "old lady" weights I had picked up would feel like 20 lbs in a matter of minutes, and I was right. After a few minutes, the music really got good! I heard Nelly which made me want to go grab a band-aid and stick it under my eye because everyone knows, I love me some Nelly. And besides, band aids are much more accessible to me than the platinum gillz.

Next thing I know, I'm doing the snake, the smurf, the butterfly, all kinds of old skool dancin' and so were the other girls. We'd watch the window to make sure no one was there and then we'd break loose, it was very comical but fun at the same time. At one point, she played the song by Eazy E and Johnny Cash, and it was on...


As soon as the window was clear, I really broke down! I mean all of us were "tearin' it up!" ... and it happened. We got caught! Hilarious! A girl was going to get some water at the water fountain and she quickly darted into the bathroom where she probably burst out laughing. Soon after, as expected, several other girls came out to "get water" and it finally got to the point where we JUST DIDN'T CARE anymore. But oh, what fun we had on Hip Hop Sunday!! If we ever do it again, I can almost guarantee you those girls that were watching, will be in there with us! We got quite the workout, burned lots of calories, did weights a good bit and then abs to close out the class. Do you know how many crunches you can do in five minutes? I was about to die. I thought for sure my Cesarean Section scar would pop back open before we finished! Good times at The Gym yesterday, good times.

The problem with pregnant people

Now, don't take this the wrong way, I've been pregnant twice (years ago). Believe me, I know all about that awkward pregnant stage.

So I go to the gym last week and wouldn't you know it, one of the new instructors has turned up pregnant. This was fabulous news for me her. I hope to take full advantage of her condition and breeze through class. She's taken Lady F's classes for years so I'm nervous she's gonna have some type of "out do the Lady" type mentality but I'm hoping her pregnancy will interfere. I saunter up to the owner of the place and ask how the new girl is doing. I wanted details...is she as bad as Lady F? etc. etc. The owner was careful not to turn me against the class by lying by only admitting what she thought I could handle. About the only thing good from that conversation was that the instructor herself felt like she was getting out of breath more easily, so I was told. GREAT! That's all I needed to confidently walk into class.

Well, I knew I was out of shape from skipping almost a month of classes in trouble when Ms Pregs seems to be in a great mood. I had counted on those awful hormones to be encouraging her to just go back to bed but I was out of luck. We bounced around, I pretended to tie my shoe was out of breath for most of the class but I survived.

Today I go back for more torture because of the recent holiday where I ate most of my kids' candy while they were at school. I had in mind, I only wanted to burn 300 calories...not 302 or 305, I would put forth an effort until I reached what I felt was 300 calories burned and I'd quit. LOL-what a joke.

I watched my phone as if I was on call for surgery, knowing I'm just a sub teacher and no one was gonna call today. I had seen another one of the subs walking the track so I knew the school had options if they couldn't get me, but I pretended. I stared at my phone hoping it would ring via telepathy...it didn't happen.

I just kept going and going. I wanted to tell the crazy Ms Pregs that she could get off balance easy or trip and fall and break her face if she didn't stop jumping, turning, over-the-top and back over maneuvering on the step...but she would have thought I was trying to get out of working, sweating, moving my large mass beyond what I thought it could do...she'd know I wasn't really looking out for her best interest, only mine.

So that's the problem with pregnant people. In the beginning, they want to keep their weight down, they feel fat even though they aren't even in maternity clothes...they don't care if your back hurts because their's does too, they don't care if you get dizzy when you stand up too fast, because they do too...yet they just keep on going...because they can. Now, I'm going to get in the shower, and take a nap....BECAUSE I CAN. I am old not pregant...and OLD is something she hasn't experienced yet, so she'll just have to trust me on that!

I got whipped by a pregnant lady. Passing out would have been easier, and I almost did...maybe next time...if I don't come up with some other ideas!

Extreme Flu is Spreading Fast

I just have to tell you!! My sister just called me, she's been trying to reach me since yesterday and I knew something was wrong. We finally spoke today and she started describing a condition I am all too familiar with.

She described, "I made it out to the car...I was aware that I was there but had no idea who was driving. I finally 'came to' at the red light down the road and realized I was driving." She said she collapsed when she got home and went on to say, "I had to cover up. I was suffering from flu-like symptoms."

I took one look at the aerobic schedule from yesterday and I knew immediately she was suffering from Extreme Flu brought on by Lady F. If you aren't familiar with this "lady" she's sort of like Charles Manson since she thinks it's perfectly okay to cause physical and mental harm to people. She's started working at a big-time hospital recently and she's since her visits are limited now to the gym, she's even more brutal and heartless than before.

I have to admit, I was almost envious of my sister though. I haven't been to the gym in almost a week and haven't had a class in like 2 weeks!! I need to burn some major calories. Ever since I heard about the soon to rise cost in peanut butter, I've been storing it like squirrels do nuts for the winter...only I've been storing it on my hips instead of our pantry! Looks like Lady F has her work cut out for her when I return to one of her classes.

Ambulance at My House

There is nothing like sleep walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night and hear an extremely loud and close ambulance at my house. It was so close in fact I didn't just wake up, I woke in full blown Mama instinct panic save my kids from a fire kind of mode even though it was an ambulance. I was standing at my son's door so when I flung his door open I saw lights. It was a darn toy! He is deaf so he never heard it so I simply shut his door and acted as if it didn't happen. I was kind of disappointed I wouldn't be a hero this day.

I've been fighting for my life a man cold. The older I get, the longer my colds last. This is the second full week of sniffles, runny nose, bleeding nose, I can't reach the remote or open the dishwasher and quite frankly, no one here wants to hear it anymore. Looks like I'm gonna have to break down and do some kinda laundry but I'll grunt and grown as if it's breaking every bone in my body to see if I can grab one more day of sympathy. Actually it's my school's PTO Homecoming Spirit Store sale and town parade so I'll attend these events first and then come home and be sick. I've learned from the pro that man colds never interfere with football so I can always be sick after the social events! Today I shall paint red and blue under by eyes to hide my bags and get these kids all fired up for the big game tonight! Woop Woop!

Five Dollar Pork Sale

I've decided to sell pork. You can pay a couple of bucks a pound in the grocery store for swine so when I heard that the local GYM was having a competition called 60 Miles in 30 Days, I figured I'd pay the $5 and sign myself up, and besides you get a tee-shirt if you get your 60 in 30 completed in the time span. Instead of buying pork to eat, I'd be shedding the lard from myself and it would only cost me what I'd pay for a bacon cheeseburger (non-gym-members pay $10).

When I put my name on the sign up sheet, I saw that JERRY had already beat me!! I thought I was doing good to sign up weeks in advance and his name was already there! Well I got news for ya Jerry, I'll be wearing my tee-shirt before you will. I plan to accomplish the 60 miles easily so you'll have to work hard to catch up with me!

So where are my other friends at? We can't let the previous generation (nice way of saying 'older people') kick our butts. They are supposed to be home knitting and sitting on the front porch, so come on my people, sign that form! Enjoy the $5 Pork Sale.

Cyclops and Cycles

After I sped out of the parking lot leaving a dust trail behind me, I drove straight to The Gym. The whole twenty minute drive I was fighting to stay on the road as tears ran down my face. Having dropped the children off for their first day of school, I figured people would think I was crying because I'm gonna miss my babies...that wasn't it at all. Something was wrong with my contact and I finally had to remove it and throw it away. I walked in as a Cyclops. I was seeing only partially with the one remaining contact and still wiping tears when I saw her...the gym owner. It was nice to see she was still wearing my legs, you know the ones I always wanted but could never have.

I spoke to the runners who were gathered around having a social moment before we entered...THE SPIN ROOM. As I began walking down the dark hall of doom to reserve a bike, Sharonda popped out it was good to see her smile. I felt like we were in a meadow full of wild flowers and I outstretched my arms and began to jog towards her. Still smiling she went right past me...I guess she was glad to see someone else. Darn, apparently I missed the gym folk more than they missed me.

With my burning bloody red eye, I walked in and found a bike next to a nurse. I found it convenient that the gym owner took the one on my other side. They didn't have to tell me...this was planned. I knew they took one look at me and decided I needed not one but two people certified in CPR to resuscitate me should I fall out, but they were kind enough not to embarrass me in front of everyone and they simply sat on their bikes and smiled...but I knew they were worried.

And who was teaching spin? None other than "He Gave Me Nelly" Lady F. After skipping the gym all summer, I'm not sure how this will turn out. She was flipping through her music and I decided I would stay. Even though Nelly wasn't in her ipod at the time, I was certain that Flo-Rida, Rhianna, Beyonce and Shakira could get me to end. I look over at the owner so she could see my eye. I batted it really slow to make it look worse. She gagged at the horror but I only smiled. I knew I had an excuse to leave if needed. I assured her I had a whole list of other excuses if that one didn't work. And we rode...

We rode and we rode, we were sweating buckets but we rode. There were times when I had to imagine the music videos for these songs to reach my 'happy place' so I didn't puke but I rode on. Before long, I realized Lady F had cured my eye. I felt no pain, even as sweat dripped into the cornea because the rest of my body was undergoing such trauma. Although I won't be able to move by the time cheer practice rolls around tonight, I survived. And size is only an excuse for not exercising. If I can do it, anyone can!

Man Cold Awareness Day

I personally declare today, August 11, Man Cold Awareness Day. Since I have two men down at my home with this deadly disease I think we need to gather together and support our husbands and sons in spreading the word that they could be next without prior warning. It's important to recognize some of the warning signs and when they may occur.

• Always accompanied with a fever even if they refuse to prove it use a thermometer
• The tough guys usually suffer through these massive colds just long enough to attend social events like four wheeling with friends, camping, etc. but they are required a mandatory couch stay for a minimum of a full 24 hours post event. Their health usually plummets when they get home.
• As I mentioned, couch time is mandatory-this is the best place for them. After all, you can't possibly get to them quick enough back in the bedroom if their fever should spike or they have difficulty breathing
• Soup is a requirement, lots and lots of nose blowing, cold meds, the remote and anything else he may need-at my house we offer a "sick" blanket which always helps with the recovery process

So help me spread the word. Let's celebrate Man Cold Awareness Day and I'd love to hear ideas about how your family copes when this disease hits your house.

Fluent in Rap

During my last spin class at The Gym, I sat next to a lady who frequents the place and is often found inside the spin room. She has all the proper gear for cycling indoors from her specific shorts down to her shoes. This lady is very fit, really pretty, and can likely set a mean table. She's very social with all her luncheons, charities, etc.

During spin class a rap song was blaring over the speakers and she began to giggle along with the instructor as they tried to figure out the lyrics. She looked over at me and asked me if I knew what they were saying and what the heck it meant...and I gladly translated.

"I'm very fluent in rap you know," I confidently told her. I decided to push farther and add, "In fact, I listen to a lot of rap. Gangsta rap too!" She smiled and found the words, "Well, isn't that a fun fact."

Haha, you just never know who you are sitting beside in spin class. That homely, sweaty, white lady could have Flo-Rida playing inside her head or Easy-E or Tupac....one reason I like some of it isn't for the grime, the grit, the hard-core lyrics, it's writers like Tupac who could put together words at a higher level, use symbolism and actually be brilliant. Some of the other stuff just cracks me up and I like to laugh.

I will say that now that my kids are getting older, and can actually hear some of the words despite their hearing loss (if they hear only one word, it'll be a curse word) I have limited opportunities to play this type of music. And, to be quite honest, I have enough of it still in my head that I don't NEED to hear it much anymore. But there you go, just a little 'fun fact'.

He's Still Workin' on Me

When I get a chance, I'll start another blog for all my church stories, apparently, Imma need one...

I adore the church we visit. I feel so happy once I leave there even if I've spent most of the service in tears. I listen to people speak about their lives, people I've never met before, but the passion that comes from their heart that ultimately breaks their speech apart as they fight back tears, is so moving. I needed church today. I'm weak. I'm physically weak from the hard labors of completely re-doing our home inside and I'm emotionally weak from the strains this puts on us as a family but hopefully we will finish and all be able to rest, relax, and enjoy our neat and nice home.

I have prayed more this last week than I think I ever have before. There are certain qualities I struggle to possess at times such as patience and He has got me through a really tough week. I LOVE that when I show up to church, the preacher gets on his knees, he cries his eyes out and admits, he don't have certain qualities either. I watched three little girls sing a song about how He is still workin' on them, and I cried. I left there with the assurance I needed. He's Still Workin' on Me...I'm so glad He is.

A Violent Ride

Ok, consider this your disclaimer...too much information headed your way!

First of all, I blame the teachers who didn't call me to sub today which forced me to show my face at Lady F's spin class. I knew that she would likely be in a violent mood today since the Alabama tornadoes not only took out her power for a few days, but since her husband works for the power company, he had to leave her for a few days as well. I knew that those of us who showed up today would be like sitting ducks with targets on our foreheads since she's had some disturbance in her daily schedule. I got as far away from her as I could.

When she turned on the music and began singing "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna, my suspicions were confirmed...were were in for a long ride. She allows no fans in her classes. (I'm telling you, she is crazy hard core!) She sang the chorus over the mic and I'm getting scared. She glanced at me just as Eminem screamed "my fist through the drywall!!" and my mind starts searching for a happy place. I need birds, I need the ocean, I need something other than this! I could not pull up a happy place to save my life. I'm sweating so bad at this point, it's stinging my eyes and I wonder if I've now reached a point that I'm sweating blood. She's yelling for me not to slow down so I pedal faster, still looking for a happy place. She barks for us to move up and down and up and down all while we are pedalling as fast as we can but all I can think about is how badly my thong is hurting...that's when I realized I didn't wear a thong, I had on big girl panties when I walked in but somehow they were reduced with all the commotion of the violent ride.

I double check with the nurse beside me on her ability to perform CPR and she assures me she can do it. Only 30 minutes had passed and I'm still convinced I'm sweating blood. I look to my other side and mouth the word HELP to Sharonda. She laughed at me.

When it was finally over, I went to the "Landlord". I told her I needed Lady F to sign a waiver so I can write nasty things about her-I tend to fight my battles with a pen because Lady F would totally kick my butt in a real fight...but the Landlord just laughed, she thought I was kidding. I made a few stops around town and chatted with several folks, and then the nausea set in.

I actually thought I was gonna throw up in my drive way. I ran inside and got something to drink and I was fine. I had burned so many calories and my stomach was furious with me for not feeding it well enough. I stepped inside the bathroom to wash the Lady F off of me. I looked in the mirror and I realized I had a black eye. Not kidding! I've learned my lesson about wearing mascara to the gym so now I only wear a tiny bit of eyeliner. I had apparently sweated and smeared it all around my ocular globe...I have got to start checking my mirror BEFORE I go around starting up conversations! I knew it was a violent ride.

We've been invaded

Wow, talk about a shocker...showed up for spin class and it was her. I've heard stories about her spin classes, they've even thought about hiring a bouncer to stand outside the spin room at the gym for crowd control, that's how many nuts people want to get into her classes. I've never been crazy enough to show up for had the pleasure of participating in one of her classes and a last minute schedule change landed her on the instructor's bike at 5:15 am...lucky me.

And guess what? She brought her own crew too. We were invaded, we didn't have a chance...Her crew is very loud...very loud indeed for 5:15 A.M.
But that's fine, I kept my mouth shut and peddled. The girls were outnumbered. I knew my neighbor from Zumba class, but I barely muffled a "hey" to him. He was fast on his feet and I knew he was about to out-do me and then rub my nose in it. I tried to look at Carol and Jerry who were across from but I couldn't see their faces, my glasses were in the car...dang. I wanted to give Carol the WHO THE HECK ARE THE INVADERS AND WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH US? But she kept her head low, and didn't make eye contact with anyone...she's smart. I'm hoping Jerry at least has CPR certification...just in case, but his glasses were reflecting light and I couldn't tell if he was looking at me, or if he'd closed his eyes completely...picturing the end of our ride. The room reeked of sweat and Huddle House...musta been the testosterone...

We all survived, the chest pains I felt have passed so apparently it was only heartburn, the asthma attack I'd hoped for (to get me outta class) never came either, so I live to ride again...

I'm going to sleep in the car line

Went to The Gym and saw Lady F. I've decided what I experience in her class is sort of like hypothermia...only I'm about 10 degrees hotter than necessary for the condition. My body must be confused on how to handle such vigorous activity that it doesn't see outside of that gym, and it begins to shut down. Just the thought of going into that room, makes my bladder malfunction. I always make one last run to the restroom for that 'just in case' last attempt so that if I do faint, rip something, or die, they'll be less to drain all over myself in front of people. Then, after the 5 min. warm-up, my body has to make decisions...which parts are most valuable RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW? So my brain immediately shuts down 75%, in order to keep the vital limbs in action. Kinda opposite of hypothermia I guess. I watch myself move around the step at an alarming high speed, do lunges, repeaters, squats, chest presses, biceps, triceps, etc. etc. Shutting down part of my brain allows me to keep participating physically, but exiting mentally. But I was able to do most of what she ordered us to do, at least. And I must say, my 'hangy-down-thangs" are a lot less hangy...according to my daughter who describes my triceps in her adorable 7 year old kinda way. She is for sale.

I am tired and drowsy. I've exerted myself and now I need a nap, but instead it's time for me to go get in the car line at school. With the warm sun shining down, I know how cozy and comfortable it will be in my car. I plan to nap. Only wake me if I am holding up the car line, or my if my mouth is hanging wide open...otherwise, I'll wake myself soon enough by the unscheduled head doddle or the unexpected moan which I tend to do as I drift in and out of consiousness. But please feel free to give me that courtesy honk or a gentle tap on the window if I do begin to hold up the car line traffic. Thanks!