Imma Belieber

We climbed stairs to reach the Upper Level of the huge Arena. This is what we have been waiting for. She asked to see my tickets and when I showed them to her, she pointed to the ceiling and said, "just keep goin' up." The seat in front of me had an A on it and with a quick glance at my ticket, I knew we were in trouble. Yellow crime tape that said Do Not Cross ran beside the small partial railing all four of us were white knuckling and the four of us kept saying, "Don't look down. DO NOT TOUCH ME!! Why are these steps so small?" We finally made it to the ceiling back and only one row sat higher than we did. We took our seats carefully and stared at each other knowing we would sit there for hours, without movement or breathing, and I was okay with that. We had to keep STILL. We put the kids on a no-liquid diet so their bladders would hold up all night because every time I looked around, I got dizzy...we were that high!

It took the full 45 minutes to catch my breath, but when the lights finally dimmed and the music came on...I still knew I was technically a hundred feet in the air and if everyone didn't stop yelling and jumping around this concrete slab would collapse and we would all die in a mass grave of dust, heavy pillars and blue plastic seats...

But they started the timer.....I looked up and it was counting down 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 minutes 4...until Justin Beiber will walk in the door!!! Girls were screaming non-words anytime someone moved behind the stage because they thought it was him, or someone that knew him, or someone that has seen him with their own eyeballs. I yawned and updated my Facebook status and wondered why I could still smell the Circus...they hadn't been here since last year...

When they finally reached the last few seconds...people went nuts! My child was screaming and looking around because she was about to be in the same room with him...but he didn't walk in...

...he flew in on huge silver wings made of guitars and other musical instruments, and they all screamed LOUDER. It was the craziest thing I've ever heard. He sang, he danced, he performed and everyone just screamed. A chair arose from the middle of the stage we all knew he was about to pick One Girl. He asked, "Who is gonna be my baby?" The arena exploded with crying girls wanting that prized position and as we sat near the ceiling my child started yelling, "Justin!!! Justin!!" But he didn't see her...

It was an amazing show and I honestly can say I'd love to go see him again sometime when I get three more jobs to pay for the tickets. I am likely the meanest mama in the world because after arriving back home just before 1 a.m., I woke her up at 7 a.m. for school...and this is all she had left to give...

We have finally recovered from our Bieber hangovers. This will be a night she will NEVER FORGET, EVER EVER EVER...

Just Kill Me!!

"Oh, let's go ride that," someone said as we walked up to the very first ride at an amusement park we drove to ANOTHER STATE for...

It looked quite harmless, some frowning green fish were slowly dragging to a complete stop where happy riders were exiting swiftly to move on to their next adventure. We chatted with interest as we eagerly boarded two by two per fish. My sister and her child were just fins away and my mother had my daughter safely strapped in while my son sat next to me. Impatience set in as other riders couldn't make up their minds which fish to board. Soon everyone was buckled and we watched the ride attendant pull the lever to start the ride.

With a loud hiss of warning shooting through our ears, wind began to part my hair as we slowly began to move. I looked around and tried to smile at my other family but concern constricted my face as the speed of this ride increased rather quickly. Within seconds, my grip got so tight on the bar in front of me I could have snapped a finger off at the knuckle and never known because all of the blood was being sent straight to my heart, to keep it pumping even at the rapid and dangerous level this ride had increased its rate to. As we closed in on the first twenty-five seconds of the ride, my eyes closed tightly as my spit glands began to fill in preparation to spill anything left in my stomach. I could hear someone yelling, "KILL ME!!!! JUST KILL ME NOW!! SHUT THIS DOWN!!!" I realized it was my own child and though I couldn't open my eyes that were buried at least two inches into my skull at this point, I reach over and feel his hand that was on the bar. "MAMA, WE ARE UP HIGH, WE ARE UP IN THE AIR. KILL ME!!"

I tried to rub my little boy's hand the best I could but there was no way I could let go of the grip I had on this bar, "Just close your eyes son. Just close your eyes. The Lord is gonna get us through this. He will, just close your eyes." My face has contorted at this point as I feel like I've fallen twelve stories and then jerked sideways and back up again. I hear other people screaming and I squeeze my eyes tighter to keep them from popping out of my head. I hear a loud familiar voice as we seem to be moving faster and faster, "Jesus help us please! Help us Jesus please!" It was my voice and I know that I had to be screaming very loud and I don't have a clue how many people are being entertained by my twisted face and the Worship Service I'm trying to have because again, my jaws are holding back the saliva that is triggered when you feel like vomit is not far behind. My body feels sideways and every single muscle I own is constricted to keep me from flying out into the parking lot.

After about three minutes of this horror, I hear the sound of the motor start to quieten a little and I knew it wouldn't be long before this machine started to slow down. I could feel my body moving around in circles and lowering down at the same time. When my son could speak in his normal voice, I knew it was safe to open my eyes. We were almost at a complete stop by then and I started "the laugh". I looked around at my family and we all began to laugh with that crazed hysteria that I found comfort in, knowing they too had just survived the same terror I had.

We all unbuckled and quickly walked away from the ride and stood under a tree. There, we wiped tears from our eyes with shaky hands as we quickly made an adult pact to NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EVER EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN. The kids were horrified but in hilarity rather than horror....and that was just the beginning of our amusement park fun for this weekend...

But on a lighter note, we got in a great workout. My arms, my buttocks and stomach are all so sore! I mean I was clamped up in that seat so tight, the only thing moving was my voice in a panic scream.

My Tattoo

Yes, I got a tattoo...but more on that later!

Today, we went to a local water park with our church and had a ball. I'm currently in my PJs drinking chocolate milk and waiting until at least sunset before I collapse for the night...if I actually get to sleep. You see, there's this thing...with my back. Oh, I'm not injured...how do I put it?

I guess I should have known something was wrong when every time I walked toward someone their lower jaw fell downward pulling their upper and lower eyelids as far apart as they could go. Some were compassionate enough to say, "Oh, you are red!!" But they were wrong. I'm not so much red...I'd say I'm half past magenta or a deep, dark firebrick...which is at least three stages past red. Oh yea! And I was wearing 50 SPF. Apparently it wasn't the best at being waterproof...now ya tell me, as I sit shivering in my recliner trying to keep my skin from actually boiling. It hurts.

And that's not the best part! I told you how people reacted as I walked toward them, now let me tell you what happened as I walked past people. I knew I was burned, I felt it. Strangers tried to look away but after I would pass, chuckles were emitting from all directions. Wow, they sure are having a good time, I thought. But as the day went on, I noticed it was every time I walked past someone. Finally, someone from my group pulled me aside and said, "Um, well, you have a hand print on your back,"(after they had laughed hysterically). That's right, the little girl who will remain nameless, that nearly gagged when I asked to rub lotion on my back, didn't do so hot (where is all the good free help these days)!! Apparently, I have a new tattoo!

But the way I look at it, surely it embarrassed her enough to be seen with the lady with hand tattoo on her back, that she'll do better next time. Let's hope so. Hopefully, I'll be able to wear a bra in a few days (yikes) and my second degree burns will heal quickly.

They've lost it...

You know that feeling when you leave the house of what did I forget?? Happens to everyone right? Well it didn't take me but a few miles before I realized what I didn't have...and that's high doses of anxiety medication!

What a day. The kids had to be separated right away. No surprise. Before we even got through the first town, I had to lay down the law.

"Look," I said. "You two will lose 4 wheelers, then you will lose your outside privileges and then it'll be a nice long nap for you if we can't all get along. Don't even look at each other."

I tried everything to distract them and finally, peace. The girl played quietly with Legos while the boy amused himself by staring at people as we drove past them. My luck was changing. Then, I noticed that we had a stalker. You know the weird guy that drives right beside you and never wants to pass or slow down, just ride along side you but you're too stubborn to look over kinda stalker. I thought I heard something which finally made me turn to look and see what the creep wanted only to find one of our favorite family friends laughing at us. Yes, we probably annoyed the traffic behind us as we chatted with our windows down for a mile or so but it was good to see "Old Man Clem". The rain had stopped pouring literally outside and the kids had calmed (just before the storm!)

We got to our appointment at The HEAR Center where #1 had to get his ears worked on. I thought he could play nice with the Legos while he got his ears tuned up...but I was wrong.

He instead made a toilet (ahem, yes I see what's inside) and before he was finished, yes, the Legos got taken away from him...by his Audiologist. Not for his special design but for the fact he just quit participating in the proper activity and decided to horseplay with the sister. The kids had just gone nuts by this point. They DID NOT earn a prize (again) and let's just say...ahh, nap time is wonderful. The only thing that got me through the horror was knowing that they've been worse....sad but true. We've been through worse and I'm lucky we have such a wonderful Audiologist that can get us MAPped and get us out of there quickly. (I wonder what she says to herself to get her through a Blakely appointment? "They'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon....")

Just wasn't our best trip. This was our first big outing though since we've been out of school so it's hard to say if they've lost it completely yet. Only time will tell. I'm hoping the energy isn't this high on Friday when I'm trapped in driving a van for six hours with not only them but another wild child plus two more adults. As we walked out of the door the Audiologist whispered demonic-like "Good luck Friday."

But in their defense, the removal of activities and the addition of a nap (aka rest time) has really improved their behavior-they are usually pretty darn good at home-and like I told them...Mommy could develop a Social Phobia where we never go anywhere if they misbehave every time we leave the house...which means no Wal Mart, no thrift stores, no beach!

Going to the Dentist (on a Sunday)

So I normally trick the kids on April Fool's Day in some way...last year, I packed my son's lunch in his sister's bright pink camo lunch box with a note saying "Happy April Fool's Day", put it away in his backpack, and he had no idea until he pulled it out of his bag at school! It was awesome and I was very proud of myself...

This year, April Fool's Day fell on a Sunday and though we don't normally skip church, we had something very special planned for this day which also happens to be my birthday! With evil thoughts running in my head of what can I get away with this year...I took my ideas to my husband. We plotted and schemed and finally agreed to lie to convince the children that they were in fact going to the dentist today. Oh the horrors...

They begged, "No, please don't make us go today, we'll go later on a different dayyyyyy, pleeaazzze!" But we told them to clean up, brush their hair, scrub their teeth until their gums bleed and put on some shoes, we were LEAVING.

My oldest child decided he would wear a green t-shirt, blue shorts, white socks and church shoes. Hmmm. "You can't wear those church shoes with shorts and certainly not with white socks!!" I asked the child to go back and put on his tennis shoes but he was stubborn said he was deliberately wearing those because he HATED going to the dentist and in his mind, he was punishing the dental office because they told him last time, that he wasn't brushing good enough. As soon as we left, my husband revealed that there was no dental visit to be had on this Sunday and we were only going to Lowe's to buy some trees. They were so happy. I, the more evil of the two of us, wasn't going to reveal our dirtly little secret until much later, like when we pulled up at Lowes, but the husband has a soft heart. So we horrible parents and our two children with exceptionally well brushed teeth, walked those white socks and church shoes proudly around the store and shopped, happily together.

All day long, little people have scared the crap out of me every time I walk into another room, leave the house, exit the restroom...they've been hiding and jumping out to scare me and you'd think I'd be on guard but they are very good pranksters.  I have screamed more today than I think I did in cheerleading! Paybacks...

Toys R Us

My last outing with the kids in Birmingham...alone...with THEM was a little hectic with appointments and this that and the other...I even looked over once and saw the kids giggling to the man next to us at the red light...the man was giggling too (weird) so I lifted up the dry erase board and found this...

Could have been worse! Who knows how long they'd been holding that up as I drove along, singing/dancing and all along they are drawing lots of attention our way....gotta love 'em. This was a fun trip, we only had shopping to do...and lunch to eat. No appointments, except with Toys 'R Us and we had a great trip!!

 We bought Legos...

We ate at my brother and sister-in-laws' restaurant Brother Zeke's and it was fabulous! The corn bread muffins, the sweet potato fries and the squash caserole....I barely had room for the chicken but it was so yummy. They opened this new restaurant up a while back but we've never made it down until yesterday and mannnnnn, I wanna go back. One kid cleaned her plate and EVEN ATE THE BREAD. She doesn't eat bread! One kid took a to-go box home with him and will polish off his bbq stuffed potato today!

We stopped off at a Christian book store and bought some needful things and made it home in time for me to fall out (and doze off) on the sofa...I heard my husband's car door shut and I jumped up, wiped my eyes and pretended to have busy all along. He never knew I was asleep!

The Slapper

7:09

That's what time I woke up this morning. In my world, this is as INSANITY...but I was out late last night. I mean, I didn't even get home until like 9:00. It had been dark for hours when we left a university we'd been visiting, and one child was teetering between this world and a dream phase as she rested her head on a our jackets.

On the way home, my son was mesmerized by all the lights, cities had on display...who knew? We are rarely out after dark! He was amazed by the street lights, the headlights, everything that darkness brought. Several towns already had Christmas decor hanging from the posts.

I did great driving. I had GPS technology pointing me in the right direction. Once I got within 30 miles of home, I started to turn it off, because I knew exactly where I was but I left it on thinking it would entertain the kids. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I saw our Exit up ahead. I took the exit and when I got to the end of the short uphill ramp, I put on my blinker. I looked at the GPS who had been correct the entire trip and it wanted me to go in the opposite direction. "Huh, look! The GPS wants me to turn that way! How weird." I began to make my turn in the direction I knew was home, and I hear a backseat driver (aka, my mother) "Hey! Where are you going?"

I was just crazy, not used to driving in the dark, and I was about to take us in the opposite direction. For once, I was thankful for backseat drivers! I would have eventually figured it out I guess but I just shouldn't be allowed out after dark...at least not more than 15 miles from home.

I might even need to borrow my son's latest invention, the Sock Slapper. He says to use the sock slapper on people who need a good slappin'.

Now, it's 8:30 a.m. the morning after, and I've not gotten dressed, I'm still drinking coffee and have no intentions of doing much of anything today...and I kinda like it. About an hour before my husband gets home from work, I'll likely jump in the shower, put on make-up, light a candle so the house smells clean, and pretend I've actually been productive today...I love Fall Break from school...and this is pretty much gonna describe my week...I hope.

The redneck field trip

My child talks so much she has decided to have 16 kids when she grows up, just so she'll have more people to talk to. As usual, I found her out in the yard the other day...talking to her dolls kids. When I asked her what she was doing with a wheelbarrow, she replied hastily as she tried to balance it with all the kids plus a stroller loaded up..."Uh, we're on a field trip!!!"

How To Avoid a Hangover

WOW, we had lots of partying going on this past weekend...and I find it very difficult to attend parties that don't begin at 2 p.m. and end by 5 due to being a granny my tedious schedule.

I have learned from experience that most not all parties will fit my schedule. So I've come up with ways to avoid that hangover...and no, it doesn't always require alcohol to have that hung-over feeling the next morning!

Here are the tips that helped me last weekend when I had one all-day festival followed by another party beginning at sundown and ending before midnight that same day...followed by a birthday party and another evening/night festival the very next day...WHEW.

My oldest at The Gym lock-in. They had SO MUCH FUN!! Very organized event and lots to do.

My youngest at the church festival. THEY RODE HORSES, need I say more? Big fun.

They let balloons go that said, "God loves you"

1. Start your day at 4 a.m. That just fixes everything!
2. Cook dinner as you cook breakfast so that when one party ends you can run home, eat, and your off to the next event in like one hour's time.
3. Pack a small lunch cooler with water. We live in the middle of nowhere and my kids only get thirsty in the car when there is no where or time to stop! Using a permanent marker label each water bottle with initials so that there are no transfer of sibling cooties.
4. Don't sit down. Chances are, you won't get back up. If your back gives out like me you may take small five minute breaks but sit on the edge of the seat so you don't get too comfy.
5. When you finally get home at midnight, have these already in place. They are cardboard inserts that block out all light from the outside. We shamelessly keep them under the bed and on days like this, we pull them out so the morning sun that we normally love to see, doesn't pull our eyes open until invited.

We are pathetic.

Oh Sheet!

So we got to the condo down at the beach and my Mom went to the grocery store to buy the essentials like bread, cereal, milk, and beer while we took the kids down to the beach. It felt awesome down there, it was late in the afternoon, and we spent several hours just watching the three little ones enjoy the sand and ocean and eventually moved them up to the pool area.

Mother had fought the crowds of Wal Mart and finally returned with a van load of groceries. There were six of us total and I can tell, she had no intentions of running back and forth to the store.

We finally got everyone situation in the rooms, got groceries put away, kids showered and we were exhausted. It was about 10 o'clock and well beyond our bedtime! When we decided it was time fold out the couch for one of the children, I asked a question. "Has anyone seen any extra bedding or sheets?"

No one had and we began to search in a desperate panic. We searched high and low and only found a blanket (which went straight in to wash) but no sheets at all. Poor Mother spoke, "I'll just go back to Wal Mart and buy some."

She offered to take my daughter and I was thinking that's one less kid for us to watch reluctant but agreed. The remaining folk went onto the balcony and told ghost stories. I had my son and his little cousin so scared. Their wide eyes hung on my every word as I told story after story. Lightening crashed and thunder roared. Rain drops fell and forced us off the balcony back inside. After driving through a monsoon, Mom finally returned and she had sheets, and my daughter. My child took off her hearing devices and said, "I'm going to bed!" and she was asleep within 2 minutes.

We patiently waited for everything to finish washing and drying and my sister decided to sit next to Mother on the couch. When she did, she raised up and said, "What was that?" She lifted the cushion behind her and pulled out a pack of unopened sheets...PERFECT. We three adults burst into laughter and we were frightening the children.

We went to bed LATE early in the morning thinking we'd sleep til at least 7 a.m. but I was awakened by my bedmate at 5:30. "Mama! I had a nightmare!!" And it was all my fault for telling those horrible stories to those poor children.

The Water Slide

So my mother took me and my sister (and the little people that live with us) to the beach this weekend and someone had the great idea to take the kids to Waterville USA while we were down there. That's a huge water park/amusement park. For five hours we played, we swam, we drove go-karts, we traveled the Lazy River...

At some point in my delusional-heat stroke kinda mentality-I look over at my sister and point to these big (non-kiddie) water slides and say "Hey, if any of the kids wanna go down those, I'll take 'em...or you can if you want." She looked at me like I'd just slapped her kid and she proceeded to cuss me out. I guess she didn't wanna go (she's even more scared than I am of heights!)

Okay, I can do this. I opened my mouth and asked this question..."Hey, who wants to go on those big water slides?" My son wasn't interested at all but two little girls, ages 6 and 7 excitedly say "I wanna go, I wanna go." So we went.

The first deck leading up to the slides wasn't that bad. At this point we were only about 20 feet in the air. As we waited in line, we chatted about which slide we wanted to go down. They had three different colors leading down and we all picked a different color so we could go down at the same time. Then we went up the next set of steps and I felt weak. Don't look down, don't look down, keep talking to the kids, distraction distraction DISTRACTION!!

My knees were weakened by the altitude and all I could think was, "Do it for the chill-ren! Do it for the chill-ren!" Someone bumped into me and the two inches I moved seemed to have me falling 50 feet down in my mind. My back tingled as my mind accepted the fact that I was gonna fall to a sure splat. If anyone else bumps me, I may throw up.

The kids were waiting quietly at this point as we neared the next set of steps, the final set...I wanted to ask if either of them had changed their minds but said nothing. Saliva ran down into my mouth and I fought hard to make it up those final steps with my hands and knees shaking. The kids walked over to their slides, as I did mine and we waited for the cue to go down. The lifeguard watched over the edge and now that I can't see the bottom, it isn't so bad.

She gave us the thumbs up, and I saw both girls go down so I had to GO! I hopped in my slide and I started laughing. I have a nervous laughter that begins when I'm on scary rides such as a 4-D movie theater when you sit in a seat and feel like you are IN the movie! I knew this laughter wasn't a good sign. It's almost like one of those evil scary movies when the killer has been caught and is about to die, but all he can do is laugh out loud! Very weird I know but I usually laugh until tears start rolling from my eyes. I'm laughing and screaming "Oh [insert un ugly word of your choice] Oh [insert an ugly word of your choice]" as my body is shooting down this RACE TRACK at speeds I never imagined. I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm throwing legs up, arms up, I didn't care who can see me from above, logic told me to grab on to the sides and I will slow down!!" But I could not. It was so slippery and my only option was to reach the bottom at speeds I can't control. I'm sliding, and turning so fast, I can't see what's coming up around each corner, will I go up or down, sideways, and WOOOSH. The end. I didn't even have time to hold my breath as the water shot straight up through my nostrils and punctured my brain. I'm confused, I'm still laughing and I feel exposed. I try to pull around on my swimsuit to make sure if anything was OUT THERE, it would be covered as soon as possible.

Anything that was hanging out at top was okay now so I step over the edge of the slide, see the girls doing the same and I breathe from my mouth and reach around to the back and try to cover what's back there. I don't feel my suit but I knew I was wearing a one-piece when I got on the slide so I find it hard to believe it all came off. I finally found the suit which had been transformed at the end of the slide to a thong and we are all okay.

I tell the girls as I gasp for air and stumble around that "I didn't like that at all. I was horrified!" My sister's child looked up at me and with chubby cheeks said, "Val, I wanna go down the pink one!" So with that, we all walked right back over to the steps, and began our climb to the top.

I am wearing a scab on my elbow from the frantic fight I put up on my way down trying to grab on to something...anything. I will forever laugh now when I see a water slide.