Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Top 5 Things I Learned From MTV

A high school student suggested I watch MTV in the early morning hours if I wanted to see videos. I was subbing for a class yesterday and somehow the subject of music came up and I stated my disappointment with MTV and how they rarely showed actual videos anymore...so at 6 a.m. I turned it on and this is the top 5 things I learned...

  1. Some bars have baby pools instead of a dance floor filled with unknown substances (I am gagging) and fighting girls. I'm still not clear why the baby pool is actually needed...?
  2. Even I need closed captioning for many rap songs...and I ALMOST have my degree in Rap!
  3. Gold chains will never go out of style...I wish we had not taken my husband's old rope chain to the pawn shop that bought all of our gold years ago...he would still be so cool !
  4. Lil Jon has a small vocabulary. In fact, other than "Yeah-a" and one or two other two-syllable words, he's pretty quiet. I would love work as his translator. I think it would be awesome...he could get crunk, pop bottles and all sorts of things while I translate to soccer moms what he's talking about. Pretty soon, we'd all be wearing dreads and constantly say "OK!" and "What!"
  5. Women look awesome in swim suits and short yellow furs. Beyonce proves it in her latest video. I never knew a one piece swim suit paired with a fur of all things would look hot. Trust me, if you don't try this, you will not be hip with the latest fashion trend! I wonder if it will have the same effect if I wear a trench coat with mine?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Slapper


That's what time I woke up this morning. In my world, this is as INSANITY...but I was out late last night. I mean, I didn't even get home until like 9:00. It had been dark for hours when we left a university we'd been visiting, and one child was teetering between this world and a dream phase as she rested her head on a our jackets.

On the way home, my son was mesmerized by all the lights, cities had on display...who knew? We are rarely out after dark! He was amazed by the street lights, the headlights, everything that darkness brought. Several towns already had Christmas decor hanging from the posts.

I did great driving. I had GPS technology pointing me in the right direction. Once I got within 30 miles of home, I started to turn it off, because I knew exactly where I was but I left it on thinking it would entertain the kids. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I saw our Exit up ahead. I took the exit and when I got to the end of the short uphill ramp, I put on my blinker. I looked at the GPS who had been correct the entire trip and it wanted me to go in the opposite direction. "Huh, look! The GPS wants me to turn that way! How weird." I began to make my turn in the direction I knew was home, and I hear a backseat driver (aka, my mother) "Hey! Where are you going?"

I was just crazy, not used to driving in the dark, and I was about to take us in the opposite direction. For once, I was thankful for backseat drivers! I would have eventually figured it out I guess but I just shouldn't be allowed out after dark...at least not more than 15 miles from home.

I might even need to borrow my son's latest invention, the Sock Slapper. He says to use the sock slapper on people who need a good slappin'.
Now, it's 8:30 a.m. the morning after, and I've not gotten dressed, I'm still drinking coffee and have no intentions of doing much of anything today...and I kinda like it. About an hour before my husband gets home from work, I'll likely jump in the shower, put on make-up, light a candle so the house smells clean, and pretend I've actually been productive today...I love Fall Break from school...and this is pretty much gonna describe my week...I hope.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Please Come Rap

Wow, I've been spending so much time over at the high school, I forgot what it was like to be booked up at the elementary school for a change. I was sad that I can't help the PTO with Auburn/Alabama store which is held on Friday...because I love my PTO peeps, but I'll be teaching. Now they know that I always find some way, even if it's only 30 minutes or so while my class is at recess, to try and contribute some time. But I got a different request for today...and I was excited!!

The PTO President called me one day last week and asked if I could rap on Monday! Yeah, ME!! I knew I was kinda booked up already but I felt a little light headed with the excitement and before I knew it I said, "Of course I can!" She then told me that it was BYOS (bring your own scissors) but I barely heard her because I had Beastie Boys, Nelly, 2Pac, all rhyming in my head with the anticipation. After I had time to recall the conversation later very repetitively as any good girl with OCD would do, I wondered why the heck I needed scissors? All I could think of was "I will cut you!"

But whatever, I had some rappin' to do, so I found scissors so they'd let me in. I couldn't decide what I should wear...high tops? thick gold chains? a grill?

I wasn't sure what they would request to hear so I quickly brushed up on some Run DMC...
"One day when I was chillin' in Kentucky Fried Chicken...
just mindin' my business, eatin' food and finga lickin' ...
This dude walks up lookin' strange and kinda funny...
Went up to the front, with a menu and his money..."
I ran through a few Nelly songs, whipped out Salt n Pepa...I was getting so excited with every mile I traveled. I tilted my hat to the side, pulled my pants down about seven inches so my boxers would show, and I walked inside. I exagerated a limp, and I finally made it to the PTO room.

The blood ran out of my face when I saw the President there, with wrapping paper...she was ready to WRAP! My heart is so sad tonight, I was so close! Next time Lady, be sure you spell out what you are asking...some of us get confused! lol

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Listening Therapy for Men

Some you know my children are deaf and learned to LISTEN and SPEAK with a specific type of therapy called Auditory Verbal Therapy or AVT. We spent countless hours a day hiding our speech from the children behind toys, behind hands, behind anything we could as if we had a really ugly sore on our mouths and we were on a first date or something. This just forced them to use their cochlear implants to hear what were saying rather than reading our lips.

Now, what you may not be aware of, that this specific therapy focuses on listening abilities first. If the child learns to listen well, they'll pick up speech easier. Several of these methods can help marriages also. If your spouse is having trouble hearing any of the following, you may consider some AVT. Here's some advice.
  1. Your spouse has trouble hearing/understanding 2 or 3 step commands such as "Take out the trash and put a clean bag in please." Take it back a notch but supervise. If your spouse can hear the command "take out the trash" but fails to put a new bag in the can, hold up two fingers so he knows he has two tasks. Give the instructions slowly, clearly and remain near the site where instructions were given until he returns from throwing the trash away. At this point remove one digit from your hand (it's never appropriate to use the middle finger alone!) and show him he still has one task left. When he gets the new liner and places it correctly in the can, jump and cheer and give that man a big hug. He CAN follow 2 step commands. Eventually you should be able to remove yourself from the instruction phase and this task should become natural for him.
  2. If your husband has trouble hearing different tones in your voice...For example, he asks what you want for your birthday and you...(pause) and begin your usual answer so full of sacrifice, so full of pain left over from the last giftless b'day "Oh, that's okay, I don't need anything." Let's say he only hears the words that you are saying not the desperation in your voice that you haven't had a gift from him in over 10 years. This can be a real problem. Take it back a notch and give him more direct instructions. Don't confuse him by expecting him to hear your tones and read your mind. Leave him no room for confusion. You may say, "I don't care if you give me a day to myself and watch the kids for a while. I've went 10 years doing without so you better make this one GOOD!" If he still gives you nothing, feel free to back step and add in visuals to help him such as evil glances or smaller portions at dinner.
  3. If your man can't hear the children ask for things such as "Will you fix me cereal, I'm hungry, I need you to hand me this..." you need to leave the house for a few hours so he'll have to fix cereal, feed the little people or play games, etc. Some men have the ability to allow dogs barking outside to keep them awake at night but can't even hear their own babies cry in the room next to your's. I suppose it's the difference in pitches. Let your kids cry just a little bit longer so you are SURE the husband is awake. It doesn't mean he'll get up, so if he doesn't, you need to make sure you do this every time the child cries. The baby isn't gonna die from crying, so walk slowly.
I just thought I would share. This type of therapy has really helped us a lot over the years. My kids and husband all hear well now. We have participation from all parties who live here and we all are happier for it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The problem with pregnant people

Now, don't take this the wrong way, I've been pregnant twice (years ago). Believe me, I know all about that awkward pregnant stage.

So I go to the gym last week and wouldn't you know it, one of the new instructors has turned up pregnant. This was fabulous news for me her. I hope to take full advantage of her condition and breeze through class. She's taken Lady F's classes for years so I'm nervous she's gonna have some type of "out do the Lady" type mentality but I'm hoping her pregnancy will interfere. I saunter up to the owner of the place and ask how the new girl is doing. I wanted details...is she as bad as Lady F? etc. etc. The owner was careful not to turn me against the class by lying by only admitting what she thought I could handle. About the only thing good from that conversation was that the instructor herself felt like she was getting out of breath more easily, so I was told. GREAT! That's all I needed to confidently walk into class.

Well, I knew I was out of shape from skipping almost a month of classes in trouble when Ms Pregs seems to be in a great mood. I had counted on those awful hormones to be encouraging her to just go back to bed but I was out of luck. We bounced around, I pretended to tie my shoe was out of breath for most of the class but I survived.

Today I go back for more torture because of the recent holiday where I ate most of my kids' candy while they were at school. I had in mind, I only wanted to burn 300 calories...not 302 or 305, I would put forth an effort until I reached what I felt was 300 calories burned and I'd quit. LOL-what a joke.

I watched my phone as if I was on call for surgery, knowing I'm just a sub teacher and no one was gonna call today. I had seen another one of the subs walking the track so I knew the school had options if they couldn't get me, but I pretended. I stared at my phone hoping it would ring via telepathy...it didn't happen.

I just kept going and going. I wanted to tell the crazy Ms Pregs that she could get off balance easy or trip and fall and break her face if she didn't stop jumping, turning, over-the-top and back over maneuvering on the step...but she would have thought I was trying to get out of working, sweating, moving my large mass beyond what I thought it could do...she'd know I wasn't really looking out for her best interest, only mine.

So that's the problem with pregnant people. In the beginning, they want to keep their weight down, they feel fat even though they aren't even in maternity clothes...they don't care if your back hurts because their's does too, they don't care if you get dizzy when you stand up too fast, because they do too...yet they just keep on going...because they can. Now, I'm going to get in the shower, and take a nap....BECAUSE I CAN. I am old not pregant...and OLD is something she hasn't experienced yet, so she'll just have to trust me on that!
I got whipped by a pregnant lady. Passing out would have been easier, and I almost did...maybe next time...if I don't come up with some other ideas!

The redneck field trip

My child talks so much she has decided to have 16 kids when she grows up, just so she'll have more people to talk to. As usual, I found her out in the yard the other day...talking to her dolls kids. When I asked her what she was doing with a wheelbarrow, she replied hastily as she tried to balance it with all the kids plus a stroller loaded up..."Uh, we're on a field trip!!!"