Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Five Dollar Pork Sale

I've decided to sell pork. You can pay a couple of bucks a pound in the grocery store for swine so when I heard that the local GYM was having a competition called 60 Miles in 30 Days, I figured I'd pay the $5 and sign myself up, and besides you get a tee-shirt if you get your 60 in 30 completed in the time span. Instead of buying pork to eat, I'd be shedding the lard from myself and it would only cost me what I'd pay for a bacon cheeseburger (non-gym-members pay $10).

When I put my name on the sign up sheet, I saw that JERRY had already beat me!! I thought I was doing good to sign up weeks in advance and his name was already there! Well I got news for ya Jerry, I'll be wearing my tee-shirt before you will. I plan to accomplish the 60 miles easily so you'll have to work hard to catch up with me!

So where are my other friends at? We can't let the previous generation (nice way of saying 'older people') kick our butts. They are supposed to be home knitting and sitting on the front porch, so come on my people, sign that form! Enjoy the $5 Pork Sale.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Top 3 Things I Can't Take Back

I have lots of things I'd probably like to take back but here's my top three that have affected me recently.

  1. I can't take back that brownie that I just ate or the ones I ate earlier today. I blame Little Debbie. Darn salesmen, putting them at the end of aisles knowing I don't go down every one, but I seem to FIND the chocolate and walnut deliciousness.
  2. I can't take back that mile I put in on the treadmill this morning. I did it at a steep incline, hoping to do a couple more before I broke a really good sweat but I got peer pressured and bullied into going to Lady F's aerobics class. I cursed the mile the whole hour as I clung to life-but barely, needing that energy back just to finish class. When I did finish, I looked like I needed medical attention since my face was so red and wet. It looked like I'd been scorched with hot water...but I'm ok.
  3. I also can't take back that dream I had this morning. I woke in cold sweats thinking I was pregnant. I apparently was about 13 months pregnant by the looks of me and kept walking around lifting my shirt so people could see the baby move. You could actually see the nose, lips, eyes, everything as it pressed hard against my stomach. But good thing I woke up in time. I sure don't want to give birth at all to a 4 month old ! No telling how much that would weigh!
Whew, and that was just today. I do have growing concerns as I find myself walking around asking people "What am I doing?" I leave the dishwasher door open to remind me that I intend on emptying it after I finish the laundry, and that helps. My children leave me notes to remind me of things they want me to see, that I miss on our drives to school. And I've recently poured a cup of coffee twice. I poured once, put sugar in and poured again, coffee all in the kitchen floor....but that will surprise no one I'm sure!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cyclops and Cycles

After I sped out of the parking lot leaving a dust trail behind me, I drove straight to The Gym. The whole twenty minute drive I was fighting to stay on the road as tears ran down my face. Having dropped the children off for their first day of school, I figured people would think I was crying because I'm gonna miss my babies...that wasn't it at all. Something was wrong with my contact and I finally had to remove it and throw it away. I walked in as a Cyclops. I was seeing only partially with the one remaining contact and still wiping tears when I saw her...the gym owner. It was nice to see she was still wearing my legs, you know the ones I always wanted but could never have.

I spoke to the runners who were gathered around having a social moment before we entered...THE SPIN ROOM. As I began walking down the dark hall of doom to reserve a bike, Sharonda popped out it was good to see her smile. I felt like we were in a meadow full of wild flowers and I outstretched my arms and began to jog towards her. Still smiling she went right past me...I guess she was glad to see someone else. Darn, apparently I missed the gym folk more than they missed me.

With my burning bloody red eye, I walked in and found a bike next to a nurse. I found it convenient that the gym owner took the one on my other side. They didn't have to tell me...this was planned. I knew they took one look at me and decided I needed not one but two people certified in CPR to resuscitate me should I fall out, but they were kind enough not to embarrass me in front of everyone and they simply sat on their bikes and smiled...but I knew they were worried.

And who was teaching spin? None other than "He Gave Me Nelly" Lady F. After skipping the gym all summer, I'm not sure how this will turn out. She was flipping through her music and I decided I would stay. Even though Nelly wasn't in her ipod at the time, I was certain that Flo-Rida, Rhianna, Beyonce and Shakira could get me to end. I look over at the owner so she could see my eye. I batted it really slow to make it look worse. She gagged at the horror but I only smiled. I knew I had an excuse to leave if needed. I assured her I had a whole list of other excuses if that one didn't work. And we rode...

We rode and we rode, we were sweating buckets but we rode. There were times when I had to imagine the music videos for these songs to reach my 'happy place' so I didn't puke but I rode on. Before long, I realized Lady F had cured my eye. I felt no pain, even as sweat dripped into the cornea because the rest of my body was undergoing such trauma. Although I won't be able to move by the time cheer practice rolls around tonight, I survived. And size is only an excuse for not exercising. If I can do it, anyone can!

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I can't believe how far we've come with her fashion choices. I have to say, I'm gonna miss those days when she wants to go to school in August wearing a Christmas dress and cowboy boots...

For the first day of school, she picked out the average blue shorts, and the average matching Justin Bieber tee...

and that makes me sad.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Going through detox

I have a confession. My husband and I are entering our children into a detox environment tomorrow morning. As school approaches us on Monday, I realize what my kids, and teachers, will go through on that difficult day. The shakes, the sweats, the nervous chatter, the upset stomachs...

We decided to make our home a detox facility beginning in the morning. Sound the fire alarms...I will actually cook my children a healthy breakfast, they will drink 100% juice and/or REAL milk. They will not grab chocolate throughout the day, nor will they turn to caffeine after the noon limit I had enforced earlier in the summer. They will not get up, walk around in their swim suits all day, pretending to be cops and robbers, and leaving messes so that Mom will have something to yell about...

They will be good little children, make their beds, put on proper clothes, eat well throughout the day, and read books!!!! Oh, who am I kiddin'? We can detox on Monday!! Woop Woop, last weekend to be wild heathens, good luck teachers!!!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Man Cold Awareness Day

I personally declare today, August 11, Man Cold Awareness Day. Since I have two men down at my home with this deadly disease I think we need to gather together and support our husbands and sons in spreading the word that they could be next without prior warning. It's important to recognize some of the warning signs and when they may occur.
  • Always accompanied with a fever even if they refuse to prove it use a thermometer
  • The tough guys usually suffer through these massive colds just long enough to attend social events like four wheeling with friends, camping, etc. but they are required a mandatory couch stay for a minimum of a full 24 hours post event. Their health usually plummets when they get home.
  • As I mentioned, couch time is mandatory-this is the best place for them. After all, you can't possibly get to them quick enough back in the bedroom if their fever should spike or they have difficulty breathing
  • Soup is a requirement, lots and lots of nose blowing, cold meds, the remote and anything else he may need-at my house we offer a "sick" blanket which always helps with the recovery process
So help me spread the word. Let's celebrate Man Cold Awareness Day and I'd love to hear ideas about how your family copes when this disease hits your house.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Buying a bus

I was given fabulous news recently. My child is planning on having 16 kids.

At age 7, her biggest dilemma is "Where am I gonna put my house?" She walks around the yard sometimes trying to decide if she wants to build under the pecan trees or out by the burn barrel, lol. She asked my advice, "Mama, I need a house close to you so that when I get tired of the 16 kids or they tear my nerves up or I go to work, I can bring them to you, but where should I put it?"

Me: "Where are you going to work?" She tells me she'll go work with my mother when she's bigger. I had to ask, "Do you think I'm gonna watch all 16 kids?"

Luckily, she has it all planned out and has thought further into it than I thought. She informs me that I'll have to watch 8 of them and she'll drop the other 8 off with my mother. I'm sure my mother is painfully excited!

So, for her first car we are buying her a bus!

Oh, and even better, she says she may come back home to live if she gets married and finds out her husband is dumb.

When we were homeless

We started our summer off with a bang when we got news the owners of the house wanted to sell everything-their houses, land, everything. What to do? We began looking at houses in the area, and I was actually flabbergasted to find out that I, as a part-time employee and full-time stay at home mom who has never owned a credit card before to keep me from purchasing items I do not need....had NO CREDIT. I should have re-thought that idea a few years ago. Our worries deepened as we found out that most purchases would require thousands down so I quickly decided we'd just be homeless. I pictured in my mind all four of us piled up in a tent in my parent's front yard. After all, we could rotate the tent every other day, pick a new spot around the yard and pretend we were camping...permanently.

However, we were sent a saving grace by the owners offering to sell the property to a fantastic deal. We still had to paint, do minor repairs and pull up carpet to revert back to the beautiful hardwood floors so the appraiser could come do his thing and give a nice report. And today, THE HOUSE BECAME OUR'S. I can not tell you how wonderful it feels to finally own a home. I've honestly never felt like this was 'my' home because it wasn't but now I can breathe easier knowing it's mine. I don't have to ask if I can put in a storm shelter, I don't have to ask if we can add on a get what I mean.

I cried just thinking of having to leave the place behind when we were homeless. This house was built by my husband's grandfather and his sweet little grandmother had made a nice home here for her family. You just can't buy memories. Although my childhood wasn't spent here with walks to the barn, sitting with family on the front porch, climbing cherry trees or picking apples, I desperately want it to my children's memories, and even their children's. My daughter took her first steps here, I spent countless hours everyday trying to teach my deaf children to speak here, I've done cartwheels out in the yard for crying out loud! It was crushing to be faced with the possibility of having to leave it all behind and start over elsewhere. But it just worked out.

I am extremely proud of my husband who went above and beyond to get this house for us. After several minor hiccups during this lengthy process, we closed on it this morning. Now I can plant a cherry tree to replace the one my husband remembers. I can plant hydrangeas like both our Maw Maws loved. This house has been extremely good to us, and we are looking forward to growing old here.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Free Diss Lessons!

Book now while we still have spaces available

The Blakely children will be giving free lessons next week on
Assuring Parents They Are NOT COOL
Book your free DISS LESSON early
space is limited

On Monday: Brooklyn will teach the art of rolling the eyes
This expert will demonstrate for her peers how to roll the eyes appropriately when parents make any suggestions on any subject. She has perfected the eye roll with everything from fashion suggestions to meal advice from elders and she's bringing it all to you FOR FREE!

On Tuesday: Gage will show his peers how to perfect selective hearing. He will strengthen their hearing at times of need and show them how to listen for key words like WalMart, toy store, four wheeler, and much more!

This lesson carries over to Wed when Gage will also demonstrate to his peers how to NOT HEAR words like clean up, pick up toys, throw away, unload dishwasher, any many more non important speech.

On Thursday: Both children will offer lessons on DIRTY LOOKS. These children have worked hard to perfect these horrid looks that will make parents feel knee high to a grasshopper. They will work on a combo of lip curls, teeth baring, eye squinting and nose wrinkling to give the dirtiest of dirty looks! And at no cost to you! These techniques work best when parents actually think they are funny or cool like dancing in the car, singing Justin Bieber and many other occasions that parents ACTUALLY think their children will enjoy.

On Friday: The workshop will conclude by bringing parents back in for the children to demonstrate their new DISSING techniques! Any children who can make their parents cry will be awarded with blue ribbons.

So get your DISSING DONE RIGHT! And hurry, this workshop is one week only.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pain in my innards

I awoke with full intention to lace up the sneakers, and streeeeetch really really good, and have a full day of toe-touches, herkies, round-off back handsprings...well, at least one or two of those on that list. I've never been able to do flips other than the sad cartwheels I've boasted that I can still pull off.

What happened in reality is that, we shelled peas til lunch, then I prepped the peas for the freezer for a while after that...followed by laundry, laundry, and laundry. Exactly one hour before time to leave for cheer practice, I put on my shoes and I stretched. When I felt comfortable with the idea of going outside and trying to lift my legs up off the ground using my arms and core, I proceeded to the back door. I walked outside, taking slow deep breaths, thankful for every step I took, knowing I was probably about to break an appendage. I love you right foot, I love you left leg, I thought as I felt with each step I took, it could be my last for a while. I searched for that perfect spot of yard, not too bumpy, no rocks...I was looking for the absolute safest slice of ground. Once I found it, I stood still and listened...No cars, we're good.

I did a few practice rounds, with a simple high kick. With sweat on my brow and air in my lungs, I lifted my arms and attempted to pull both legs up off the ground and into a herkie...

Both feet did come off the ground but the landing...tsk, tsk. I didn't fall so that was a good sign, but my confidence was lessening and my mind tried to come up with an intelligent solution. You see, I had volunteered to TEACH THE DARN JUMPS.

I tried the toe-touch and several more herkies but I looked like an overweight 36 year old trying to be a cheerleader. Panic slowly set in, but I decided that I'd just call on one of the older girls on the squad to demo while I counted for them....Yea, yea, that's it. Problem solved.

I walked back into the air condition when I noticed a slight pain in my....innards. It was deep in my stomach and felt like maybe I'd lacerated my stomach lining or maybe dislocated a rib or something...but I had to get to practice soon.

Soon I found myself at practice, scoping out every single older cheerleader and hoping to find one that would demo the jumps. I was met by one of the other coaches and I swear she was sent to rescue me! With her pearly whites, and tan skin she looks me right in the eye and says, "Now Val, Carly's here (a teen cheerleader) and would love to demo the jumps for us unless you just really want to do them." For a brief moment, I'd thought she'd asked me to marry her and I was saying YES, because I could not have been happier.

So a very happy ending, Big V did not have to jump, nothing was damaged too badly and I walk another day. Kinda disappointed I'm not having another wedding but hey, I'm happily married anyway! Now, where's my ibuprofen? I do have a sore back, and several small parts to get better by tomorrow when we go and do it all again! And next we tackle the dance routine...Dirty Bit!  Woot Woot!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Rabid Children

Wow, two weeks...

And I turn over two rabid children to the public school system again. It's gonna be a rude awakening for these two when they are limited on their 8:30 pm frog catching, 8 am sleeping in, 10 am lunch one day only to wait til 1 pm to eat lunch the next, no schedule havin', swim suit all-day wearin', no shirt/no shoes, dirty faced and garden pickin', all-day truck buildin', caffeine drinkin' kids...

...and I eagerly drop them off to their teachers in hopes they will soon fall back on a schedule and our military-like mornings return without a hitch!

Get ready teachers!!!