What Parents Do When Left Unattended

It is Summer, thank you Lord! It is actually HOT Summer. Which means about mid-day, the teenage boy can be found looking up guitar videos and playing extremely loud electric guitar jumping from one song to the next and we have encouraged his talent. The tween girl can be found lying on her bed playing games on her phone and mom...well, mom just realized I could disappear and nobody would even know it...so I did.

You see, when parents are left unattended, they can sometimes be found in the opposite direction of their kids. I've hid in the bathroom before, I've hid in my room...but today, no today, I hid in the swimming pool.

I quietly tiptoed through the house with my cover-up on hiding the swimsuit so nobody would know that the beach towel in my hand was leading me out the door and eventually to MY chair, my lay-out in the sun lounge chair! I was careful not to creak the door when I slipped unnoticed outside. With only my weight and age slowing me down I sprinted as fast as I could to the backyard water resort discarding the cover-up and towel as I climbed the ladder. I smiled as I jumped in creating refreshing waves which felt cool on my bare back. I looked back at the door and realized, I had done it. Nobody even knew I had left the house.

I cleaned the pool for 20 minutes getting my arm exercises in for the day. Still no one had reported me missing and I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad about that....so I chose happy! I plopped myself up on pink pool float and grabbed up a noodle and some various pool toys, and I tossed them around, dove under to retrieve them, splashed my feet, dodged the darting June bugs and still, I was alone. I laid my head back, pulled my shades down and just floated. I must have been out there a good 45 minutes by now and still, nobody even cared.

As I lied with my eyes shut for a while drifting in and out a dream-like state, I saw a large shadow float over my closed lids. I opened my eyes, tried to focus with the noon sun blaring down on me, and there were four huge buzzards flying high over me. I realized I must have looked like a white floating corpse so I moved around, dove under the water, and just swam around in the water for a while, in the quiet country breeze.

After I had swam for well over an hour, my fingertips were wrinkled and I decided to dry out in my chair. Feeling very accomplished for my actions I picked up my phone, took a selfie to say "yep, I did that!" I was eventually found when the children needed something (didn't need me, just something). Not bad for somebody who found herself being left unattended! They should leave me alone more often!

Sitting with the devil

I'm not sure why I showed up for the Kindergarten Orientation yesterday...but something told me I needed to wear a bra and make-up. Thankfully, I did both because just moments before it started, I was told I needed to stand and speak. You gotta love those friends that throw you out in front of moving train but I couldn't say no to their adorable faces...no wait, I did say no, and they shoved me anyway...I might put them on my watch list!!

Anyway, I was gone for most of the day, I bought groceries, ran errands but everything seemed okay when I returned home. The husband left for work and we got ready for church.

I didn't have a clue the kids were intoxicated with sugar and caffeine until we sat down on the quiet pew. Giggles erupted from them both for no apparent reason other than they have completely went nuts and laughter soon went viral. I knew I had to keep the kids quiet so I looked around at my prey options.

There he sat, alone. It was the Devil. Well, he played the Devil in our Christmas play and I knew he would be perfect! I took child number one by the hand and told him he was to sit by the Devil man until service was over. The child lucked up because a cute little girl sat next to him from his Sunday School class so he HAD to be on his best behavior! Looking forward to being with the children all day so I can control what goes in their bodies! I can guarantee it won't be chocolate and caffeine!

They've lost it...

You know that feeling when you leave the house of what did I forget?? Happens to everyone right? Well it didn't take me but a few miles before I realized what I didn't have...and that's high doses of anxiety medication!

What a day. The kids had to be separated right away. No surprise. Before we even got through the first town, I had to lay down the law.

"Look," I said. "You two will lose 4 wheelers, then you will lose your outside privileges and then it'll be a nice long nap for you if we can't all get along. Don't even look at each other."

I tried everything to distract them and finally, peace. The girl played quietly with Legos while the boy amused himself by staring at people as we drove past them. My luck was changing. Then, I noticed that we had a stalker. You know the weird guy that drives right beside you and never wants to pass or slow down, just ride along side you but you're too stubborn to look over kinda stalker. I thought I heard something which finally made me turn to look and see what the creep wanted only to find one of our favorite family friends laughing at us. Yes, we probably annoyed the traffic behind us as we chatted with our windows down for a mile or so but it was good to see "Old Man Clem". The rain had stopped pouring literally outside and the kids had calmed (just before the storm!)

We got to our appointment at The HEAR Center where #1 had to get his ears worked on. I thought he could play nice with the Legos while he got his ears tuned up...but I was wrong.

He instead made a toilet (ahem, yes I see what's inside) and before he was finished, yes, the Legos got taken away from him...by his Audiologist. Not for his special design but for the fact he just quit participating in the proper activity and decided to horseplay with the sister. The kids had just gone nuts by this point. They DID NOT earn a prize (again) and let's just say...ahh, nap time is wonderful. The only thing that got me through the horror was knowing that they've been worse....sad but true. We've been through worse and I'm lucky we have such a wonderful Audiologist that can get us MAPped and get us out of there quickly. (I wonder what she says to herself to get her through a Blakely appointment? "They'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon....")

Just wasn't our best trip. This was our first big outing though since we've been out of school so it's hard to say if they've lost it completely yet. Only time will tell. I'm hoping the energy isn't this high on Friday when I'm trapped in driving a van for six hours with not only them but another wild child plus two more adults. As we walked out of the door the Audiologist whispered demonic-like "Good luck Friday."

But in their defense, the removal of activities and the addition of a nap (aka rest time) has really improved their behavior-they are usually pretty darn good at home-and like I told them...Mommy could develop a Social Phobia where we never go anywhere if they misbehave every time we leave the house...which means no Wal Mart, no thrift stores, no beach!

Summer Vocab Begins....Now

Mid-day today, my children will begin their summer break from school. With this break brings new and old vocabulary most often heard during this time spent together...as a family...all...summer...long. I've composed a short list of things I'm likely to say, and things that will likely come through the mouths of my growing babies...

Me

• Get that frog OUT OF HERE!!
• Check for ticks
• Does it need stitches?
• Watch for snakes!!
• Put that down!! Ewww!
• I'm not too old to do a cartwheel!!
• Ouch, I'm too old to do cartwheels
• Get that out of my house!!!
• Go get my camera!!
• I'll put it Facebook
• Run along now
• Go find Mama some chocolate
• Everyone is on SILENCE!!
• Does everyone have on shoes?

Kids

• We're out of popsicles
• I'm bored
• I'm goin' swimmin'
• Look Mama, twelve frogs
• Let's go fishin'
• He hit me
• She hit me
• Snake!!!
• I'm runnin' away and NEVER EVER EVER comin' back
• I'm hungry
• Can we stay up late?
• If we be good, can we _____

...and the list goes on and on and on...looking forward to all the summer time fun!!

Going to the Dentist (on a Sunday)

So I normally trick the kids on April Fool's Day in some way...last year, I packed my son's lunch in his sister's bright pink camo lunch box with a note saying "Happy April Fool's Day", put it away in his backpack, and he had no idea until he pulled it out of his bag at school! It was awesome and I was very proud of myself...

This year, April Fool's Day fell on a Sunday and though we don't normally skip church, we had something very special planned for this day which also happens to be my birthday! With evil thoughts running in my head of what can I get away with this year...I took my ideas to my husband. We plotted and schemed and finally agreed to lie to convince the children that they were in fact going to the dentist today. Oh the horrors...

They begged, "No, please don't make us go today, we'll go later on a different dayyyyyy, pleeaazzze!" But we told them to clean up, brush their hair, scrub their teeth until their gums bleed and put on some shoes, we were LEAVING.

My oldest child decided he would wear a green t-shirt, blue shorts, white socks and church shoes. Hmmm. "You can't wear those church shoes with shorts and certainly not with white socks!!" I asked the child to go back and put on his tennis shoes but he was stubborn said he was deliberately wearing those because he HATED going to the dentist and in his mind, he was punishing the dental office because they told him last time, that he wasn't brushing good enough. As soon as we left, my husband revealed that there was no dental visit to be had on this Sunday and we were only going to Lowe's to buy some trees. They were so happy. I, the more evil of the two of us, wasn't going to reveal our dirtly little secret until much later, like when we pulled up at Lowes, but the husband has a soft heart. So we horrible parents and our two children with exceptionally well brushed teeth, walked those white socks and church shoes proudly around the store and shopped, happily together.

All day long, little people have scared the crap out of me every time I walk into another room, leave the house, exit the restroom...they've been hiding and jumping out to scare me and you'd think I'd be on guard but they are very good pranksters.  I have screamed more today than I think I did in cheerleading! Paybacks...

We've Reached That Point

Irritated, I ransack the dryer for that final sock. Nothing was left but a couple of washcloths and a towel.  I look at the sock basket. The one piled high with socks because it shreds my nerves I'm too lazy to sort through them. I find one similar but not the same. For me or the kids, similar would work just fine but not for the husband, so look at the neat stacks I've already folded and I notice something. In my son's stack, I see a pair of socks that look almost the same, but something is a little different. Oh yeah! One has a gray bottom, the other is just white. There's my final sock. I hold the two socks up and I almost tear up. We've reached that point. Our children are big enough that I can't tell what is mine from my daughter's or my son's from my husband's. It's a sad, sad, day.

Driving to school one day, my son's friend (a classmate that carpools with us) got out her phone and was turning it off as we pulled in the parking lot. My child says, "Gyah, Mama won't let me have a phone til I get to seventh grade!" I tell him that he doesn't even talk on the phone....ever, so all he would use it for is texting and I'll get him one when he leaves the comforts of the elementary school, and heads over the scary high school. I am the ridiculous mother...we've reached that point.

The two kids that used to run around the yard together (all day long), collect worms and frogs just to freak me out and play in the tree house together, now can't play peacefully together for more than fifteen minutes. She's still into her dolls and playing school while he's hunting with a B B gun and looking for firewood. Unfortunately, we've reached that point.

I'm just looking to come out of this alive and with all my limbs. I may have to donate some brain cells as I lose everything from common sense to data that used to be important like my age, weight, and birthday.

A Slider

A child woke before me this morning. That doesn't work for me, so I waited. I could see his flashlight shining through the living room but waited. I heard the bathroom door shut. WHEW! Hopefully he'd go right back to bed during this five o'clock hour. I heard the door open and I held my breath. Not sure why, it's not like he'd know I wanted him to go back to bed and sleep for two hours so I could have time to myself, he thought we were all still asleep. But I saw the flashlight again, and then heard a quick pounce as he jumped into the air like a flying squirrel and landed on his mattress. And I waited.

It only took a couple of minutes before I realized I too needed the bathroom. Did I drink a gallon of water before bed? I couldn't wait any longer but how would I get past his open door without him seeing me? I walked without fear through the living room and then paused in the kitchen near his door. I saw his hearing devices on the counter so I knew he couldn't hear me, but he would see my shadow as I passed between the kitchen night-light and his room unless, of course, I crawled. That's exactly what I did and I discovered the best thing ever! How to do a slider.

I'm no stranger to crawling past the children's bedroom doors to keep then in bed where they belong but a slider is so much easier and faster. Normally I take slow, deliberate advances so there's minimal bruising to the shins and it gives my knees a chance to pop instead of break in two. But today, I looked down and I had on the perfect outfit for a slider...my new fluffy pajama pants I got for Christmas.

I could hear the child sniff, so I knew he was awake. I placed my nervous palms down on the linoleum and took a deep breath. I counted down, three, two, one and with one quick pull I was sliding fast across the floor. My bum caught on the threshold up ahead OUCH and I was in the clear. I pulled myself up with the refrigerator as my crutch and walked to the restroom as if that never happened. The only problem was could I pull it off twice? I chuckled to myself at the thought of my husband coming out to "catch me" in action but it was well worth the risk.

I had to get back, the coffee and computer was on the other side. I placed my back against the large cold appliance that had just helped me up and waited. It was gonna be harder getting back than it was going, there was the threshold and less space! This time, instead of placing my hands outward, I had to stretch out a leg. I was gonna have to spider across instead of slide. That's okay. I can "spider" I think to myself. And I did just that. I hunkered down and as quick as an adult human spider with four legs can go, I went. Whew! I rewarded myself with a cup of coffee and sat at the computer. I was home free. Five minutes later, I saw the flashlight and he came in the room and smiled at me, he smelled coffee. Perfect.

Listening Therapy for Men

Some you know my children are deaf and learned to LISTEN and SPEAK with a specific type of therapy called Auditory Verbal Therapy or AVT. We spent countless hours a day hiding our speech from the children behind toys, behind hands, behind anything we could as if we had a really ugly sore on our mouths and we were on a first date or something. This just forced them to use their cochlear implants to hear what were saying rather than reading our lips.

Now, what you may not be aware of, that this specific therapy focuses on listening abilities first. If the child learns to listen well, they'll pick up speech easier. Several of these methods can help marriages also. If your spouse is having trouble hearing any of the following, you may consider some AVT. Here's some advice.

1. Your spouse has trouble hearing/understanding 2 or 3 step commands such as "Take out the trash and put a clean bag in please." Take it back a notch but supervise. If your spouse can hear the command "take out the trash" but fails to put a new bag in the can, hold up two fingers so he knows he has two tasks. Give the instructions slowly, clearly and remain near the site where instructions were given until he returns from throwing the trash away. At this point remove one digit from your hand (it's never appropriate to use the middle finger alone!) and show him he still has one task left. When he gets the new liner and places it correctly in the can, jump and cheer and give that man a big hug. He CAN follow 2 step commands. Eventually you should be able to remove yourself from the instruction phase and this task should become natural for him.
2. If your husband has trouble hearing different tones in your voice...For example, he asks what you want for your birthday and you...(pause) and begin your usual answer so full of sacrifice, so full of pain left over from the last giftless b'day "Oh, that's okay, I don't need anything." Let's say he only hears the words that you are saying not the desperation in your voice that you haven't had a gift from him in over 10 years. This can be a real problem. Take it back a notch and give him more direct instructions. Don't confuse him by expecting him to hear your tones and read your mind. Leave him no room for confusion. You may say, "I don't care if you give me a day to myself and watch the kids for a while. I've went 10 years doing without so you better make this one GOOD!" If he still gives you nothing, feel free to back step and add in visuals to help him such as evil glances or smaller portions at dinner.
3. If your man can't hear the children ask for things such as "Will you fix me cereal, I'm hungry, I need you to hand me this..." you need to leave the house for a few hours so he'll have to fix cereal, feed the little people or play games, etc. Some men have the ability to allow dogs barking outside to keep them awake at night but can't even hear their own babies cry in the room next to your's. I suppose it's the difference in pitches. Let your kids cry just a little bit longer so you are SURE the husband is awake. It doesn't mean he'll get up, so if he doesn't, you need to make sure you do this every time the child cries. The baby isn't gonna die from crying, so walk slowly.

I just thought I would share. This type of therapy has really helped us a lot over the years. My kids and husband all hear well now. We have participation from all parties who live here and we all are happier for it.

Because I'm Pimpin'

I slide into the driver seat of the hot little family sedan I drive. It's cloudy outside but I slip on a pair of large lensed shades with fake diamonds on the side, because I'm pimpin'. I thump my way through the car line and soon I'm one kid down, the other still in tow.

As we make our way down that long road to the urban land, he's working hard on customizing his toy vehicles, while I'm pimpin'. I think to myself, I can't wait til he figures out how hydraulics work, then it's ON !!

I have one hand on the wheel, the other on my right leg so I can tap as needed with the music. It doesn't take long for me to run through Lady GaGa, Adele, and Miranda Lambert...all three of which sound EXACTLY like ME. I switch to one of my favorite hip hop stations where Ludacris is already slangin' some rhymes...and I join him. Before you know it, I'm bouncin' around singing My Chick Bad, My Chick Hood and for a second, I actually think I'm Ludacris, because I'm pimpin'. Is that normal? Most people don't know I bust domes and sit on chromes with some of the baddest rappers around! I lose a small sense of reality as we bump our way into Birmingham. My kid has ignored me the whole hour and a half as he's been in deep construction with his latest invention.

We finish our errands soon and head all the way back towards home and I slowly get back into character. With my son by my side, I beat my right leg til it throbbed so I then reached over and began slapping his leg to give mine a rest. The music was good and I had to keep with the beat somehow. The more he tried to convince me that I DO NOT SOUND LIKE BEYONCE, the more I tried to sound like Beyonce "sucks to be you right now"...

I tried a little Ram Jam "Black Betty", I tried REO Speedwagon, AC/DC and Joe Walsh, even the Zac Brown Band and they all ended the same...a pimpin' white mom who thinks she's cool with oversized shades in a car full of toys and booster seats...ugh, if I only had those hydraulics!!

...coming soon to a car near you! And yes, I have been busted by friends in Birmingham before who pulled up beside me during one of my performances, called me on the phone, and we sat there laughing at a red light...

Man Cold Awareness Day

I personally declare today, August 11, Man Cold Awareness Day. Since I have two men down at my home with this deadly disease I think we need to gather together and support our husbands and sons in spreading the word that they could be next without prior warning. It's important to recognize some of the warning signs and when they may occur.

• Always accompanied with a fever even if they refuse to prove it use a thermometer
• The tough guys usually suffer through these massive colds just long enough to attend social events like four wheeling with friends, camping, etc. but they are required a mandatory couch stay for a minimum of a full 24 hours post event. Their health usually plummets when they get home.
• As I mentioned, couch time is mandatory-this is the best place for them. After all, you can't possibly get to them quick enough back in the bedroom if their fever should spike or they have difficulty breathing
• Soup is a requirement, lots and lots of nose blowing, cold meds, the remote and anything else he may need-at my house we offer a "sick" blanket which always helps with the recovery process

So help me spread the word. Let's celebrate Man Cold Awareness Day and I'd love to hear ideas about how your family copes when this disease hits your house.

Buying a bus

I was given fabulous news recently. My child is planning on having 16 kids.

At age 7, her biggest dilemma is "Where am I gonna put my house?" She walks around the yard sometimes trying to decide if she wants to build under the pecan trees or out by the burn barrel, lol. She asked my advice, "Mama, I need a house close to you so that when I get tired of the 16 kids or they tear my nerves up or I go to work, I can bring them to you, but where should I put it?"

Me: "Where are you going to work?" She tells me she'll go work with my mother when she's bigger. I had to ask, "Do you think I'm gonna watch all 16 kids?"

Luckily, she has it all planned out and has thought further into it than I thought. She informs me that I'll have to watch 8 of them and she'll drop the other 8 off with my mother. I'm sure my mother is painfully excited!

So, for her first car we are buying her a bus!

Oh, and even better, she says she may come back home to live if she gets married and finds out her husband is dumb.

When we were homeless

We started our summer off with a bang when we got news the owners of the house wanted to sell everything-their houses, land, everything. What to do? We began looking at houses in the area, and I was actually flabbergasted to find out that I, as a part-time employee and full-time stay at home mom who has never owned a credit card before to keep me from purchasing items I do not need....had NO CREDIT. I should have re-thought that idea a few years ago. Our worries deepened as we found out that most purchases would require thousands down so I quickly decided we'd just be homeless. I pictured in my mind all four of us piled up in a tent in my parent's front yard. After all, we could rotate the tent every other day, pick a new spot around the yard and pretend we were camping...permanently.

However, we were sent a saving grace by the owners offering to sell the property to us...at a fantastic deal. We still had to paint, do minor repairs and pull up carpet to revert back to the beautiful hardwood floors so the appraiser could come do his thing and give a nice report. And today, THE HOUSE BECAME OUR'S. I can not tell you how wonderful it feels to finally own a home. I've honestly never felt like this was 'my' home because it wasn't but now I can breathe easier knowing it's mine. I don't have to ask if I can put in a storm shelter, I don't have to ask if we can add on a bathroom...you get what I mean.

I cried just thinking of having to leave the place behind when we were homeless. This house was built by my husband's grandfather and his sweet little grandmother had made a nice home here for her family. You just can't buy memories. Although my childhood wasn't spent here with walks to the barn, sitting with family on the front porch, climbing cherry trees or picking apples, I desperately want it to my children's memories, and even their children's. My daughter took her first steps here, I spent countless hours everyday trying to teach my deaf children to speak here, I've done cartwheels out in the yard for crying out loud! It was crushing to be faced with the possibility of having to leave it all behind and start over elsewhere. But it just worked out.

I am extremely proud of my husband who went above and beyond to get this house for us. After several minor hiccups during this lengthy process, we closed on it this morning. Now I can plant a cherry tree to replace the one my husband remembers. I can plant hydrangeas like both our Maw Maws loved. This house has been extremely good to us, and we are looking forward to growing old here.

Free Diss Lessons!

Free!

Book now while we still have spaces available

The Blakely children will be giving free lessons next week on

Assuring Parents They Are NOT COOL

Book your free DISS LESSON early

space is limited

On Monday: Brooklyn will teach the art of rolling the eyes

This expert will demonstrate for her peers how to roll the eyes appropriately when parents make any suggestions on any subject. She has perfected the eye roll with everything from fashion suggestions to meal advice from elders and she's bringing it all to you FOR FREE!

On Tuesday: Gage will show his peers how to perfect selective hearing. He will strengthen their hearing at times of need and show them how to listen for key words like WalMart, toy store, four wheeler, and much more!

This lesson carries over to Wed when Gage will also demonstrate to his peers how to NOT HEAR words like clean up, pick up toys, throw away, unload dishwasher, any many more non important speech.

On Thursday: Both children will offer lessons on DIRTY LOOKS. These children have worked hard to perfect these horrid looks that will make parents feel knee high to a grasshopper. They will work on a combo of lip curls, teeth baring, eye squinting and nose wrinkling to give the dirtiest of dirty looks! And at no cost to you! These techniques work best when parents actually think they are funny or cool like dancing in the car, singing Justin Bieber and many other occasions that parents ACTUALLY think their children will enjoy.

On Friday: The workshop will conclude by bringing parents back in for the children to demonstrate their new DISSING techniques! Any children who can make their parents cry will be awarded with blue ribbons.

So get your DISSING DONE RIGHT! And hurry, this workshop is one week only.

Rabid Children

Wow, two weeks...

And I turn over two rabid children to the public school system again. It's gonna be a rude awakening for these two when they are limited on their 8:30 pm frog catching, 8 am sleeping in, 10 am lunch one day only to wait til 1 pm to eat lunch the next, no schedule havin', swim suit all-day wearin', no shirt/no shoes, dirty faced and garden pickin', all-day truck buildin', caffeine drinkin' kids...

...and I eagerly drop them off to their teachers in hopes they will soon fall back on a schedule and our military-like mornings return without a hitch!

Get ready teachers!!!

Cup Size

Listen, I've tried to keep my kids as little as possible for as long as possible. So much so that I've even held onto to the baby fat I gained during pregnancy. My kids are now 7 and 10. It's time to get over it don't ya think?

I opened the cabinet this morning and realized we are still using tiny plastic dishes we've had FOR YEARS. I'm ridding our kitchen of these tiny things today (I'll hang on to maybe one or two) and we are moving them up to the adult dishes. They use the adult dishes for the most part anyway so it's just ME...I'm the one who needed to hang on to these plastic cups...and I'm letting go...they aren't big enough anyway!

Fo Shizzle

I've reached a point with my children (didn't take me long) that they realize how uncool I am. I don't necessarily want to be cool anyway.

The other day, I started dancing and singing a song I've heard on one of those stupid tv shows, and then once I achieved just the right amount of eye squinting lip curling dirty looks from my kids I followed with, "What? I'm the new Big Time Rush member!" thinking I was cool for knowing such words! Both heads shaking they returned, "It's the Fresh Beat Band!" and then they LEFT THE ROOM so they could make fun of me!

Ahhh, so this is the point where parents, realize we know nothing that's playing on the  top 40 stations, we pop in a Snoop Dogg CD because it's familiar, and we say "Fo Shizzle!" because in our minds, we are still cool.

Please Don't Come in Wildly...

We are doing our best to ensure our children turn out as nutty as we are. It looks like all the hard work is paying off. We awoke to yet another note from the 10 year old. It states...

Please don't come in wildly be calm cuz I want you to open the door, look at the picture card I made (I just put them by each other and made a pic) Put the 3D glasses on! Pic is by cardboard fence don't touch!!

...and he has an arrow pointing to the glasses he's propped behind the door knob.

Congratulations. We never know what we'll wake up to. The child needs to work third shift for sure when he gets older. He gets 'busy' after we go to bed at 8:30 pm and works on his projects for like an hour or so before he too collapses. It's unclear how he pulled his chain around front and rigged a screwdriver to gently hold a flashlight...or even why? But he knows the rule of not locking your bedroom doors at night (my children are deaf so this is an essential rule!)
We are also pretty convinced he's gonna be OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) just like my sister who counts words on her fingers and my dad who is very clock oriented.

Either way, he's a fun little guy to watch and at this point he prefers the number five over four, he gets very irritated if things are by fours not fives and he's almost always needed things to be in patterns. So we wonder what will come next?!?! My sister is gracious enough to explain things I don't understand, like what goes through the brain that makes a person take a certain amount of steps into a building or repeat sentences in your head until they end on a 5th or 10th finger....

Dear Teachers...

Today is July 1st. For stay-at-home moms, this means that in just 6 more weeks, school begins. For teachers, this means...wholly crap I only have six more weeks of sanity as they book last minute vacations to try and pack as much fun possible into their FREEDOM.

When I decided to be a stay-at-home mom, I sat down and made a chart. The chart listed the days of the week, and which chores I would do on what days...(what a joke). What I found after my first few days at home with small children is that you won't vacuum on Mondays and Thursdays...you might vacuum three times on Monday, and then not touch the vacuum for eight days. You won't change bedding on Wednesdays, you will change it four times some weeks and then not at all other weeks because you've forgot all about it during the mountains of other laundry you've done. You'll go weeks without dusting sometimes because you rarely sit down long enough to actually look closely at your furniture.

So let's just say, for those of us who have become accustomed now to having our children in school, while taking care of our homely duties, it's a bit of adjustment having them here...every...single...day. So without blinking, we typically welcome the school year back with open arms. The kids are getting bored now. They miss their friends.

However, we've worked so hard this summer at renovating our home that we've barely had a summer break this year. So this time, I'll actually be sad to see the six weeks wind down. I've not had enough time yet. I want cookouts, I want to swim, I want a tan, I want my hair to naturally lighten from the sun....I've not had enough time.

But Dear Teachers;
As we approach the 2011/2012 school year beginning August 15, I am still a substitute teacher. I am prebooking for August 16 for those of you who go in that first day, and suddenly feel ill. There isn't anyone gonna stand there when you tell them you threw up saying "Ok, show it to me next time." So book in advance if you feel a virus coming your way.

**Disclaimer**
This DOES NOT APPLY to Kindergarten teachers. Sorry, I'd be more tempted to rock the poor babies that cry the first few days so I'm gonna let you dry up all tears the first few weeks before I volunteer to do K. (just kidding!)

Have a wonderful Fourth of July everyone! I plan to not vacuum on Saturday, not do laundry on Sunday and not dust on Monday during this long weekend. It's so much easier accepting NOT TO DO lists!