Monday, December 26, 2011

8 Years Ago

Eight years ago today I kept a promise. I promised not to mess up my doctor's Christmas if he'd, in return, GET HER OUT the morning after. On this day 8 years ago, I walked in pain into that hospital, admitted myself for surgery, and waited impatiently. The nurses took good care of me and when the doctor came in to tell me an emergency was going in ahead of me, I rolled my eyes but politely said not a word. I needed this kid out. I sat on the bed with a catheter in place and awaited my turn.

Finally, they came to get me. I sat myself up on that table and I shook uncontrollably in full body convulsions. A spinal was administered that felt like an electric current running down the right side of my body, and I jerked. Oops, but they finally got it in and it all began. With a big blue curtain now splattered with my own blood hiding my view I hear, "Hey! You can't cry, you're not even born yet!!" But she cried anyway because she is my B. She is strong, powerful, and stubborn. If you tell her she can't, she will. She's a writer and a fighter, she's a hug with some love.

Happy 8th Birthday my B! I love you!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Less than a minute

Never been in a play, never wanted to be in a play. However, one of my best friends needed me to fill a part for our church play she was directing, and I did it for her, because she needed me.

I only had like two lines, if you don't count all the screaming. I figured I could handle it no problem...and the screaming, with two hearing impaired kids, I've gotten REALLY good at that over the years! My character was a shopper. In real life, I despise shopping. So I had to totally get out of myself to play this role, which thrilled the hidden actress inside me. I wore my best flashy attire but had to still remain appropriate for church. I asked one of the other actresses, I mean my friend who was a shopper too, "Do you have any shopping bags for props? Mine all say Wal Mart, and for once I don't wanna shop at Wal Mart." She came through like a champ and we were all set.

She and I actually were hypocrites. We claimed to go church and do all good things but we were rude to a homeless man who wanted change and we brushed off some girls who offered us crosses while out and about. So for that, and apparently we weren't actually Saved either, we were going to Hell, we just didn't know it yet.

Now during rehearsal the Demons that came and took us away got kinda rough. One pushed and shoved me and over the course of November practices, I came to realize, they enjoyed pushing and shoving us. I tattle-taled to told my husband but then he joined the Demons and said if I needed extra practice at home he'd be glad to play the Demon role for me but I declined when I figured out he just wanted to shove me too.

So on the night of the play, I was prepared. I had practiced some kicking and fighting moves in my heels that I hoped would pay them back for the bruise on my arm look real and like I really was scared. When it came to our Judgement and we were not accepted into Heaven with the others, they came for us. I argued that I should go to Heaven instead but they wrapped their demon hands around my arm and began pulling me towards the black curtain Hell. I belted out a scream that sounded more like someone was trying to make me go on a ferris wheel. I tried not to laugh at my pathetic scream because I knew who was under the black hooded capes, I smile at them during church service but I had a job to do. The whole time they are pulling me closer and closer to Hell, I'm wondering if I've sufficiently embarrassed my husband enough yet, so I let out one last wretched cry just to be sure.

And just like that, it was over. We all went back up on stage and sang one last song. For less than a minute, I was an actress. I went back home, peeled off my fake eyelashes, washed off the three inches of make-up and returned to being me. I can't wait 'til next year. These people take their acting very seriously so I'll have to step up my game!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Top 5 Things I Learned From MTV

A high school student suggested I watch MTV in the early morning hours if I wanted to see videos. I was subbing for a class yesterday and somehow the subject of music came up and I stated my disappointment with MTV and how they rarely showed actual videos at 6 a.m. I turned it on and this is the top 5 things I learned...

  1. Some bars have baby pools instead of a dance floor filled with unknown substances (I am gagging) and fighting girls. I'm still not clear why the baby pool is actually needed...?
  2. Even I need closed captioning for many rap songs...and I ALMOST have my degree in Rap!
  3. Gold chains will never go out of style...I wish we had not taken my husband's old rope chain to the pawn shop that bought all of our gold years ago...he would still be so cool !
  4. Lil Jon has a small vocabulary. In fact, other than "Yeah-a" and one or two other two-syllable words, he's pretty quiet. I would love work as his translator. I think it would be awesome...he could get crunk, pop bottles and all sorts of things while I translate to soccer moms what he's talking about. Pretty soon, we'd all be wearing dreads and constantly say "OK!" and "What!"
  5. Women look awesome in swim suits and short yellow furs. Beyonce proves it in her latest video. I never knew a one piece swim suit paired with a fur of all things would look hot. Trust me, if you don't try this, you will not be hip with the latest fashion trend! I wonder if it will have the same effect if I wear a trench coat with mine?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Slapper


That's what time I woke up this morning. In my world, this is as INSANITY...but I was out late last night. I mean, I didn't even get home until like 9:00. It had been dark for hours when we left a university we'd been visiting, and one child was teetering between this world and a dream phase as she rested her head on a our jackets.

On the way home, my son was mesmerized by all the lights, cities had on display...who knew? We are rarely out after dark! He was amazed by the street lights, the headlights, everything that darkness brought. Several towns already had Christmas decor hanging from the posts.

I did great driving. I had GPS technology pointing me in the right direction. Once I got within 30 miles of home, I started to turn it off, because I knew exactly where I was but I left it on thinking it would entertain the kids. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I saw our Exit up ahead. I took the exit and when I got to the end of the short uphill ramp, I put on my blinker. I looked at the GPS who had been correct the entire trip and it wanted me to go in the opposite direction. "Huh, look! The GPS wants me to turn that way! How weird." I began to make my turn in the direction I knew was home, and I hear a backseat driver (aka, my mother) "Hey! Where are you going?"

I was just crazy, not used to driving in the dark, and I was about to take us in the opposite direction. For once, I was thankful for backseat drivers! I would have eventually figured it out I guess but I just shouldn't be allowed out after least not more than 15 miles from home.

I might even need to borrow my son's latest invention, the Sock Slapper. He says to use the sock slapper on people who need a good slappin'.
Now, it's 8:30 a.m. the morning after, and I've not gotten dressed, I'm still drinking coffee and have no intentions of doing much of anything today...and I kinda like it. About an hour before my husband gets home from work, I'll likely jump in the shower, put on make-up, light a candle so the house smells clean, and pretend I've actually been productive today...I love Fall Break from school...and this is pretty much gonna describe my week...I hope.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Please Come Rap

Wow, I've been spending so much time over at the high school, I forgot what it was like to be booked up at the elementary school for a change. I was sad that I can't help the PTO with Auburn/Alabama store which is held on Friday...because I love my PTO peeps, but I'll be teaching. Now they know that I always find some way, even if it's only 30 minutes or so while my class is at recess, to try and contribute some time. But I got a different request for today...and I was excited!!

The PTO President called me one day last week and asked if I could rap on Monday! Yeah, ME!! I knew I was kinda booked up already but I felt a little light headed with the excitement and before I knew it I said, "Of course I can!" She then told me that it was BYOS (bring your own scissors) but I barely heard her because I had Beastie Boys, Nelly, 2Pac, all rhyming in my head with the anticipation. After I had time to recall the conversation later very repetitively as any good girl with OCD would do, I wondered why the heck I needed scissors? All I could think of was "I will cut you!"

But whatever, I had some rappin' to do, so I found scissors so they'd let me in. I couldn't decide what I should wear...high tops? thick gold chains? a grill?

I wasn't sure what they would request to hear so I quickly brushed up on some Run DMC...
"One day when I was chillin' in Kentucky Fried Chicken...
just mindin' my business, eatin' food and finga lickin' ...
This dude walks up lookin' strange and kinda funny...
Went up to the front, with a menu and his money..."
I ran through a few Nelly songs, whipped out Salt n Pepa...I was getting so excited with every mile I traveled. I tilted my hat to the side, pulled my pants down about seven inches so my boxers would show, and I walked inside. I exagerated a limp, and I finally made it to the PTO room.

The blood ran out of my face when I saw the President there, with wrapping paper...she was ready to WRAP! My heart is so sad tonight, I was so close! Next time Lady, be sure you spell out what you are asking...some of us get confused! lol

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Listening Therapy for Men

Some you know my children are deaf and learned to LISTEN and SPEAK with a specific type of therapy called Auditory Verbal Therapy or AVT. We spent countless hours a day hiding our speech from the children behind toys, behind hands, behind anything we could as if we had a really ugly sore on our mouths and we were on a first date or something. This just forced them to use their cochlear implants to hear what were saying rather than reading our lips.

Now, what you may not be aware of, that this specific therapy focuses on listening abilities first. If the child learns to listen well, they'll pick up speech easier. Several of these methods can help marriages also. If your spouse is having trouble hearing any of the following, you may consider some AVT. Here's some advice.
  1. Your spouse has trouble hearing/understanding 2 or 3 step commands such as "Take out the trash and put a clean bag in please." Take it back a notch but supervise. If your spouse can hear the command "take out the trash" but fails to put a new bag in the can, hold up two fingers so he knows he has two tasks. Give the instructions slowly, clearly and remain near the site where instructions were given until he returns from throwing the trash away. At this point remove one digit from your hand (it's never appropriate to use the middle finger alone!) and show him he still has one task left. When he gets the new liner and places it correctly in the can, jump and cheer and give that man a big hug. He CAN follow 2 step commands. Eventually you should be able to remove yourself from the instruction phase and this task should become natural for him.
  2. If your husband has trouble hearing different tones in your voice...For example, he asks what you want for your birthday and you...(pause) and begin your usual answer so full of sacrifice, so full of pain left over from the last giftless b'day "Oh, that's okay, I don't need anything." Let's say he only hears the words that you are saying not the desperation in your voice that you haven't had a gift from him in over 10 years. This can be a real problem. Take it back a notch and give him more direct instructions. Don't confuse him by expecting him to hear your tones and read your mind. Leave him no room for confusion. You may say, "I don't care if you give me a day to myself and watch the kids for a while. I've went 10 years doing without so you better make this one GOOD!" If he still gives you nothing, feel free to back step and add in visuals to help him such as evil glances or smaller portions at dinner.
  3. If your man can't hear the children ask for things such as "Will you fix me cereal, I'm hungry, I need you to hand me this..." you need to leave the house for a few hours so he'll have to fix cereal, feed the little people or play games, etc. Some men have the ability to allow dogs barking outside to keep them awake at night but can't even hear their own babies cry in the room next to your's. I suppose it's the difference in pitches. Let your kids cry just a little bit longer so you are SURE the husband is awake. It doesn't mean he'll get up, so if he doesn't, you need to make sure you do this every time the child cries. The baby isn't gonna die from crying, so walk slowly.
I just thought I would share. This type of therapy has really helped us a lot over the years. My kids and husband all hear well now. We have participation from all parties who live here and we all are happier for it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The problem with pregnant people

Now, don't take this the wrong way, I've been pregnant twice (years ago). Believe me, I know all about that awkward pregnant stage.

So I go to the gym last week and wouldn't you know it, one of the new instructors has turned up pregnant. This was fabulous news for me her. I hope to take full advantage of her condition and breeze through class. She's taken Lady F's classes for years so I'm nervous she's gonna have some type of "out do the Lady" type mentality but I'm hoping her pregnancy will interfere. I saunter up to the owner of the place and ask how the new girl is doing. I wanted she as bad as Lady F? etc. etc. The owner was careful not to turn me against the class by lying by only admitting what she thought I could handle. About the only thing good from that conversation was that the instructor herself felt like she was getting out of breath more easily, so I was told. GREAT! That's all I needed to confidently walk into class.

Well, I knew I was out of shape from skipping almost a month of classes in trouble when Ms Pregs seems to be in a great mood. I had counted on those awful hormones to be encouraging her to just go back to bed but I was out of luck. We bounced around, I pretended to tie my shoe was out of breath for most of the class but I survived.

Today I go back for more torture because of the recent holiday where I ate most of my kids' candy while they were at school. I had in mind, I only wanted to burn 300 calories...not 302 or 305, I would put forth an effort until I reached what I felt was 300 calories burned and I'd quit. LOL-what a joke.

I watched my phone as if I was on call for surgery, knowing I'm just a sub teacher and no one was gonna call today. I had seen another one of the subs walking the track so I knew the school had options if they couldn't get me, but I pretended. I stared at my phone hoping it would ring via didn't happen.

I just kept going and going. I wanted to tell the crazy Ms Pregs that she could get off balance easy or trip and fall and break her face if she didn't stop jumping, turning, over-the-top and back over maneuvering on the step...but she would have thought I was trying to get out of working, sweating, moving my large mass beyond what I thought it could do...she'd know I wasn't really looking out for her best interest, only mine.

So that's the problem with pregnant people. In the beginning, they want to keep their weight down, they feel fat even though they aren't even in maternity clothes...they don't care if your back hurts because their's does too, they don't care if you get dizzy when you stand up too fast, because they do too...yet they just keep on going...because they can. Now, I'm going to get in the shower, and take a nap....BECAUSE I CAN. I am old not pregant...and OLD is something she hasn't experienced yet, so she'll just have to trust me on that!
I got whipped by a pregnant lady. Passing out would have been easier, and I almost did...maybe next time...if I don't come up with some other ideas!

The redneck field trip

My child talks so much she has decided to have 16 kids when she grows up, just so she'll have more people to talk to. As usual, I found her out in the yard the other day...talking to her dolls kids. When I asked her what she was doing with a wheelbarrow, she replied hastily as she tried to balance it with all the kids plus a stroller loaded up..."Uh, we're on a field trip!!!"

Friday, October 28, 2011

How To Avoid a Hangover

WOW, we had lots of partying going on this past weekend...and I find it very difficult to attend parties that don't begin at 2 p.m. and end by 5 due to being a granny my tedious schedule.

I have learned from experience that most not all parties will fit my schedule. So I've come up with ways to avoid that hangover...and no, it doesn't always require alcohol to have that hung-over feeling the next morning!

Here are the tips that helped me last weekend when I had one all-day festival followed by another party beginning at sundown and ending before midnight that same day...followed by a birthday party and another evening/night festival the very next day...WHEW.
My oldest at The Gym lock-in. They had SO MUCH FUN!! Very organized event and lots to do.

My youngest at the church festival. THEY RODE HORSES, need I say more? Big fun.

They let balloons go that said, "God loves you"

  1. Start your day at 4 a.m. That just fixes everything!
  2. Cook dinner as you cook breakfast so that when one party ends you can run home, eat, and your off to the next event in like one hour's time.
  3. Pack a small lunch cooler with water. We live in the middle of nowhere and my kids only get thirsty in the car when there is no where or time to stop! Using a permanent marker label each water bottle with initials so that there are no transfer of sibling cooties.
  4. Don't sit down. Chances are, you won't get back up. If your back gives out like me you may take small five minute breaks but sit on the edge of the seat so you don't get too comfy.
  5. When you finally get home at midnight, have these already in place. They are cardboard inserts that block out all light from the outside. We shamelessly keep them under the bed and on days like this, we pull them out so the morning sun that we normally love to see, doesn't pull our eyes open until invited.

We are pathetic.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Extreme Flu is Spreading Fast

I just have to tell you!! My sister just called me, she's been trying to reach me since yesterday and I knew something was wrong. We finally spoke today and she started describing a condition I am all too familiar with.

She described, "I made it out to the car...I was aware that I was there but had no idea who was driving. I finally 'came to' at the red light down the road and realized I was driving." She said she collapsed when she got home and went on to say, "I had to cover up. I was suffering from flu-like symptoms."

I took one look at the aerobic schedule from yesterday and I knew immediately she was suffering from Extreme Flu brought on by Lady F. If you aren't familiar with this "lady" she's sort of like Charles Manson since she thinks it's perfectly okay to cause physical and mental harm to people. She's started working at a big-time hospital recently and she's since her visits are limited now to the gym, she's even more brutal and heartless than before.

I have to admit, I was almost envious of my sister though. I haven't been to the gym in almost a week and haven't had a class in like 2 weeks!! I need to burn some major calories. Ever since I heard about the soon to rise cost in peanut butter, I've been storing it like squirrels do nuts for the winter...only I've been storing it on my hips instead of our pantry! Looks like Lady F has her work cut out for her when I return to one of her classes.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Horror at the Hometown Parade

We looked forward all day to participating in the hometown parade. Helping coach the youngest of the cheerleaders has been big fun and as we approach the end of our season with only one game left now, the parade was going to be one of the bittersweet final activities of our season.

We had candy, we had our signs, we had lots of tiny girls ready to ride in the parade. Homecoming queens of various sizes were perched atop cool cars, various high school classes had worked hard all week creating floats and the band could be heard throughout the small town. Excited football players and excited fans with adrenaline pumping, had heart rates elevated.

I was curious as to our transportation method since I saw no trucks with trailers saying "C-Team Cheerleaders". I finally asked our Head Coach when she pointed to a firetruck....ABSOLUTE PANIC set in.

Um, I get queasy doing a cartwheel so there's no way I'm climbing onto a very tall vehicle that moves and turns over has no seat belts or safety rails with about 20 squirmy children. My blood pressure (already too high from cold meds) soars to probably near stroke levels when I have no shame in telling her she's insane.

Thinking quick on my feet, I see a way out. There's a couple of girls nearly in tears as she told them they were to ride atop this massive red engine. I immediately told them, "Oh honey, you don't have to ride, Mrs. Blakely will walk with you behind the firetruck." They smiled and I was their hero.

As the girls started going up, one after the other, I saw one scared child who I thought I could count on, go up and find a spot on the firetruck, then another and another. What's wrong with these kids? I thought they were smart, I thought I could count on them. And just like that, I was left alone. Obviously I wasn't gonna walk by myself, there were some crazy 7th graders behind us and I was more scared of them than the height of the truck so after some baby talk coaxing from a fireman, I climbed. It took me four large steps to get up there. Once I up, I couldn't move. I screamed the little girls in a demonic voice, "Quit movin' DON'T MOVE!!"

One scared child had her hand clinched around my collar bone, and that was fine. I was using her for stability as much as she was using me. The sirens roared and we were mobile. My feet were pressed against the side of the truck and nothing moved other than my lungs and my heart. My eyes darted quickly behind dark shades and I'm sure fear was stamped across my face.

As we made our way through the parade, I loosened up enough to wave at a few random people. The girls were throwing candy but I continued to shout, "Sit down, don't move!!" as I never lost complete fear. The parade was over in about 30 seconds since our town is so small but then I faced to worst part of the ride...climbing the massive hill to get back to our starting point. We were moving straight up a hill and our bodies were shifting back. The Head Coach assured me I wasn't gonna drop to my bloody death and we were all safely returned.

That's me next to the yellow arrow holding on for dear life

The girls were fantastic and once I realized it was over and I was OFF the thing, I decided it was actually pretty safe. Our top speed was about 2 mph and I'm kinda glad I manned up and just did it. Whew, two days later, my blood pressure has finally lowered a bit and thank the Lord I didn't know about the whole firetruck thing before I arrived...I likely would have been too sick to attend!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Ambulance at My House

There is nothing like sleep walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night and hear an extremely loud and close ambulance at my house. It was so close in fact I didn't just wake up, I woke in full blown Mama instinct panic save my kids from a fire kind of mode even though it was an ambulance. I was standing at my son's door so when I flung his door open I saw lights. It was a darn toy! He is deaf so he never heard it so I simply shut his door and acted as if it didn't happen. I was kind of disappointed I wouldn't be a hero this day.

I've been fighting for my life a man cold. The older I get, the longer my colds last. This is the second full week of sniffles, runny nose, bleeding nose, I can't reach the remote or open the dishwasher and quite frankly, no one here wants to hear it anymore. Looks like I'm gonna have to break down and do some kinda laundry but I'll grunt and grown as if it's breaking every bone in my body to see if I can grab one more day of sympathy. Actually it's my school's PTO Homecoming Spirit Store sale and town parade so I'll attend these events first and then come home and be sick. I've learned from the pro that man colds never interfere with football so I can always be sick after the social events! Today I shall paint red and blue under by eyes to hide my bags and get these kids all fired up for the big game tonight! Woop Woop!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Because I knew...

I tried to go back to sleep when my husband's alarm woke me at 2:45 this morning. For almost an hour I listened to him get ready for work, I listed to him open cabinet after cabinet as if I had moved all the dishes and he could find nothing...but I didn't get up to help. I kept lying there, hoping I'd drift back off to sleep. I did not. But I didn't get mad, because I knew...

And because I wanted to save him from the grotesque vision of a wife with a cold, I waited until I heard his car backing out of the driveway to get up. It was almost four. With tissues in hand, my runny nose and I went straight to the bathroom. I knew when I looked in the mirror, I had made a good decision by waiting til he left to get out of bed....ugh! But I didn't feel sorry for myself, because I knew...

I started the coffee and read some blogs. I cooked breakfast for the kids and eventually got myself ready for the day. I am an 'on call' substitute teacher so I kinda have to. I took the children to school and raced back home where I began laundry, cleaning the bathroom, even dinner (crock pot). I had "lunch" at 9 and another at 11 (baked potato w/daughter as I paid her a surprise visit @ school) and still no one needed me to sub so I smiled as I pulled back in my driveway, because I knew...

At exactly noon, I drank my Alka-seltzer cold plus and kicked off my shoes. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I turned the TV on in my bedroom to a movie of no interest and placed my head on my pillow. It wasn't long after that I heard machine guns. I opened my eyes and I knew...

I looked at the clock at it read 12:45, I had just spent the last 45 minutes in a blissful daytime coma, and they are the BEST! Ahh, refreshed and blessed. This may not happen again until 2012 but I enjoyed every peaceful minute.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Part 2

My husband once worked second shift. I found it hard to fall asleep until he was home safe and sound and often got up during the night to use the restroom just to make sure I could see his car outside.

He didn't necessarily come straight to bed when he got home, he might work on his car, wash his car or sit and watch tv for a couple of hours before winding down for bed. One night, I had a really hard time falling asleep. I just lied on my back staring at the ceiling, hoping to hear his car coming up the road...and I finally did. He pulled into the drive way and I heard his car door close. I never heard him enter the house. I got worried. I imagined someone out there beating him, robbing him, or worse so JUMPED out of bed to go SAVE my husband from danger.

I gently open the back door.
Me: "Chad?"
No answer.
Me: (louder) "Chad?"
Him: (sounding very distant) "Yeah."
Me: (not sure I heard him) "Chad?"
Him: (still distant) "Yeah?"
Me: (trying to get a location on him-I yell louder) "Chad!!"
Him: "I'm in the bed!!"

The cold air from outside woke me and I realize he'd been inside, eaten dinner, showered and already made it to bed...while I had fallen asleep waiting...
I have a blogger friend Rachel who is famous for breaking a nose while sleep walking. Click here to read her very funny interesting story. 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I have a hidden talent. I do lots of things while unaware I catch up on some ZZZZZZZs.

I'm coming clean here today because last night I ALMOST answered a teacher's call while I was asleep. Sure it was only 9:30 but I'd already been asleep for over an hour. I actually walked into the living room to retrieve this call when apparently my brain heard the phone ringing, it just forgot to wake up. Luckily all I did was pick up the phone without answering and stare at the caller ID. Unfortunately, I've actually answered some calls while dozing! Here is how my last conversation went as I spoke on the phone to someone while asleep.

Me: "Hello"
Brother-in-law: "Is Chad there?"
Me: (in a very LOUD and high pitched voice) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law:(giggling-thinking I'm making fun of him) "Yeah, is Chad there?"
Me: (remaining LOUD and high pitched) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law: (realizing I'm insane) "Is he at the cabin?"
Me: (remaining Loud and high pitched) "Is he at the cabin?"
Brother-in-law: (scared of me now) "Oh, ok...well I'll talk to you later."
Me: (still insane) "Is he at the cabin?"

I hung the phone up and my husband's sweet little sleepy voice wakes me when he questions my conversation. He has since revoked my phone-by-the-bed privileges and we no longer have the ringer turned on in our room. I'm fully aware of what has happened IF someone wakes me, but otherwise, it all becomes a 4-D dream I'll not even realize I've participated in.

So how did I wake up last night? When the phone quit ringing, I put it back down, and went to crawl back into bed. Instead of trying to get back in on my side of the bed, I thought it would be best to creep up the middle.? I placed one hand around my husband's bare ankle. It wasn't so much the contact with bare skin that woke me, it was the way he jumped about four feet. His entire body flew up as if he were Regan from The Exorcist...and THAT is what woke me up!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Because I'm Pimpin'

I slide into the driver seat of the hot little family sedan I drive. It's cloudy outside but I slip on a pair of large lensed shades with fake diamonds on the side, because I'm pimpin'. I thump my way through the car line and soon I'm one kid down, the other still in tow.

As we make our way down that long road to the urban land, he's working hard on customizing his toy vehicles, while I'm pimpin'. I think to myself, I can't wait til he figures out how hydraulics work, then it's ON !!

I have one hand on the wheel, the other on my right leg so I can tap as needed with the music. It doesn't take long for me to run through Lady GaGa, Adele, and Miranda Lambert...all three of which sound EXACTLY like ME. I switch to one of my favorite hip hop stations where Ludacris is already slangin' some rhymes...and I join him. Before you know it, I'm bouncin' around singing My Chick Bad, My Chick Hood and for a second, I actually think I'm Ludacris, because I'm pimpin'. Is that normal? Most people don't know I bust domes and sit on chromes with some of the baddest rappers around! I lose a small sense of reality as we bump our way into Birmingham. My kid has ignored me the whole hour and a half as he's been in deep construction with his latest invention.

We finish our errands soon and head all the way back towards home and I slowly get back into character. With my son by my side, I beat my right leg til it throbbed so I then reached over and began slapping his leg to give mine a rest. The music was good and I had to keep with the beat somehow. The more he tried to convince me that I DO NOT SOUND LIKE BEYONCE, the more I tried to sound like Beyonce "sucks to be you right now"...

I tried a little Ram Jam "Black Betty", I tried REO Speedwagon, AC/DC and Joe Walsh, even the Zac Brown Band and they all ended the same...a pimpin' white mom who thinks she's cool with oversized shades in a car full of toys and booster seats...ugh, if I only had those hydraulics!!

...coming soon to a car near you! And yes, I have been busted by friends in Birmingham before who pulled up beside me during one of my performances, called me on the phone, and we sat there laughing at a red light...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Who is the bigger redneck

Just to confirm my desires to be a full blown redneck through and through...I issued a challenge to my husband as we walked around the yard, enjoying the various fruits we grew this year. We grew watermelon, grapes, pears, apples, peaches, and muscadines.

As I watched my husband walk around with his CATerpillar cap, his dirty old boots and camo pants, I began to does someone actually earn the title "Redneck". Living in the country, it's an elite club that we have only borderline qualities as our qualifications to join. I felt a strong need to step over that fine line of being country, to being redneck.

I've changed my shirt in public at a football game with only a tank top protecting my flesh but you know, when in Rome...

I've shouted double negatives in public on accident and no one even noticed...

My idea of appetizers for parties is Chex mix and salted peanuts, but still something was holding us back from that real label we both desired...REDNECK.

I thought as we both crammed muscadines into our mouths as if they were the absolutes best thing on Earth...which we all know they are...I think I've got it...and I spoke

"Hey!" as we tend to call people, animals, anything alive instead of using proper salutations others may use outside of the rural plantations. Hey is actually polite here. "Wanna see who can spit their seed the farthest?" He looked me up and down as if I didn't have a chance and replied, "You'll lose, this is a man's competition!"

I rolled the seed up to the front of my tongue as we now stood side by side and shot it with every ounce of power I had. He chuckled at my five feet shot and threatened me with a squint of the eye. He rolled the seed around several times in his mouth until he found the proper launching spot. He glanced one last time as if to say, this is how it's done. I watched as his cheeks sunk in as he breathed deep and he blew. The seed when high and far and when it landed, I was defeated. A man's competition. But I won after all, I had just been inducted into the Redneck Hall of Fame. Such a proud day for the Blakelys.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Five Dollar Pork Sale

I've decided to sell pork. You can pay a couple of bucks a pound in the grocery store for swine so when I heard that the local GYM was having a competition called 60 Miles in 30 Days, I figured I'd pay the $5 and sign myself up, and besides you get a tee-shirt if you get your 60 in 30 completed in the time span. Instead of buying pork to eat, I'd be shedding the lard from myself and it would only cost me what I'd pay for a bacon cheeseburger (non-gym-members pay $10).

When I put my name on the sign up sheet, I saw that JERRY had already beat me!! I thought I was doing good to sign up weeks in advance and his name was already there! Well I got news for ya Jerry, I'll be wearing my tee-shirt before you will. I plan to accomplish the 60 miles easily so you'll have to work hard to catch up with me!

So where are my other friends at? We can't let the previous generation (nice way of saying 'older people') kick our butts. They are supposed to be home knitting and sitting on the front porch, so come on my people, sign that form! Enjoy the $5 Pork Sale.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Top 3 Things I Can't Take Back

I have lots of things I'd probably like to take back but here's my top three that have affected me recently.

  1. I can't take back that brownie that I just ate or the ones I ate earlier today. I blame Little Debbie. Darn salesmen, putting them at the end of aisles knowing I don't go down every one, but I seem to FIND the chocolate and walnut deliciousness.
  2. I can't take back that mile I put in on the treadmill this morning. I did it at a steep incline, hoping to do a couple more before I broke a really good sweat but I got peer pressured and bullied into going to Lady F's aerobics class. I cursed the mile the whole hour as I clung to life-but barely, needing that energy back just to finish class. When I did finish, I looked like I needed medical attention since my face was so red and wet. It looked like I'd been scorched with hot water...but I'm ok.
  3. I also can't take back that dream I had this morning. I woke in cold sweats thinking I was pregnant. I apparently was about 13 months pregnant by the looks of me and kept walking around lifting my shirt so people could see the baby move. You could actually see the nose, lips, eyes, everything as it pressed hard against my stomach. But good thing I woke up in time. I sure don't want to give birth at all to a 4 month old ! No telling how much that would weigh!
Whew, and that was just today. I do have growing concerns as I find myself walking around asking people "What am I doing?" I leave the dishwasher door open to remind me that I intend on emptying it after I finish the laundry, and that helps. My children leave me notes to remind me of things they want me to see, that I miss on our drives to school. And I've recently poured a cup of coffee twice. I poured once, put sugar in and poured again, coffee all in the kitchen floor....but that will surprise no one I'm sure!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cyclops and Cycles

After I sped out of the parking lot leaving a dust trail behind me, I drove straight to The Gym. The whole twenty minute drive I was fighting to stay on the road as tears ran down my face. Having dropped the children off for their first day of school, I figured people would think I was crying because I'm gonna miss my babies...that wasn't it at all. Something was wrong with my contact and I finally had to remove it and throw it away. I walked in as a Cyclops. I was seeing only partially with the one remaining contact and still wiping tears when I saw her...the gym owner. It was nice to see she was still wearing my legs, you know the ones I always wanted but could never have.

I spoke to the runners who were gathered around having a social moment before we entered...THE SPIN ROOM. As I began walking down the dark hall of doom to reserve a bike, Sharonda popped out it was good to see her smile. I felt like we were in a meadow full of wild flowers and I outstretched my arms and began to jog towards her. Still smiling she went right past me...I guess she was glad to see someone else. Darn, apparently I missed the gym folk more than they missed me.

With my burning bloody red eye, I walked in and found a bike next to a nurse. I found it convenient that the gym owner took the one on my other side. They didn't have to tell me...this was planned. I knew they took one look at me and decided I needed not one but two people certified in CPR to resuscitate me should I fall out, but they were kind enough not to embarrass me in front of everyone and they simply sat on their bikes and smiled...but I knew they were worried.

And who was teaching spin? None other than "He Gave Me Nelly" Lady F. After skipping the gym all summer, I'm not sure how this will turn out. She was flipping through her music and I decided I would stay. Even though Nelly wasn't in her ipod at the time, I was certain that Flo-Rida, Rhianna, Beyonce and Shakira could get me to end. I look over at the owner so she could see my eye. I batted it really slow to make it look worse. She gagged at the horror but I only smiled. I knew I had an excuse to leave if needed. I assured her I had a whole list of other excuses if that one didn't work. And we rode...

We rode and we rode, we were sweating buckets but we rode. There were times when I had to imagine the music videos for these songs to reach my 'happy place' so I didn't puke but I rode on. Before long, I realized Lady F had cured my eye. I felt no pain, even as sweat dripped into the cornea because the rest of my body was undergoing such trauma. Although I won't be able to move by the time cheer practice rolls around tonight, I survived. And size is only an excuse for not exercising. If I can do it, anyone can!

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I can't believe how far we've come with her fashion choices. I have to say, I'm gonna miss those days when she wants to go to school in August wearing a Christmas dress and cowboy boots...

For the first day of school, she picked out the average blue shorts, and the average matching Justin Bieber tee...

and that makes me sad.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Going through detox

I have a confession. My husband and I are entering our children into a detox environment tomorrow morning. As school approaches us on Monday, I realize what my kids, and teachers, will go through on that difficult day. The shakes, the sweats, the nervous chatter, the upset stomachs...

We decided to make our home a detox facility beginning in the morning. Sound the fire alarms...I will actually cook my children a healthy breakfast, they will drink 100% juice and/or REAL milk. They will not grab chocolate throughout the day, nor will they turn to caffeine after the noon limit I had enforced earlier in the summer. They will not get up, walk around in their swim suits all day, pretending to be cops and robbers, and leaving messes so that Mom will have something to yell about...

They will be good little children, make their beds, put on proper clothes, eat well throughout the day, and read books!!!! Oh, who am I kiddin'? We can detox on Monday!! Woop Woop, last weekend to be wild heathens, good luck teachers!!!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Man Cold Awareness Day

I personally declare today, August 11, Man Cold Awareness Day. Since I have two men down at my home with this deadly disease I think we need to gather together and support our husbands and sons in spreading the word that they could be next without prior warning. It's important to recognize some of the warning signs and when they may occur.
  • Always accompanied with a fever even if they refuse to prove it use a thermometer
  • The tough guys usually suffer through these massive colds just long enough to attend social events like four wheeling with friends, camping, etc. but they are required a mandatory couch stay for a minimum of a full 24 hours post event. Their health usually plummets when they get home.
  • As I mentioned, couch time is mandatory-this is the best place for them. After all, you can't possibly get to them quick enough back in the bedroom if their fever should spike or they have difficulty breathing
  • Soup is a requirement, lots and lots of nose blowing, cold meds, the remote and anything else he may need-at my house we offer a "sick" blanket which always helps with the recovery process
So help me spread the word. Let's celebrate Man Cold Awareness Day and I'd love to hear ideas about how your family copes when this disease hits your house.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Buying a bus

I was given fabulous news recently. My child is planning on having 16 kids.

At age 7, her biggest dilemma is "Where am I gonna put my house?" She walks around the yard sometimes trying to decide if she wants to build under the pecan trees or out by the burn barrel, lol. She asked my advice, "Mama, I need a house close to you so that when I get tired of the 16 kids or they tear my nerves up or I go to work, I can bring them to you, but where should I put it?"

Me: "Where are you going to work?" She tells me she'll go work with my mother when she's bigger. I had to ask, "Do you think I'm gonna watch all 16 kids?"

Luckily, she has it all planned out and has thought further into it than I thought. She informs me that I'll have to watch 8 of them and she'll drop the other 8 off with my mother. I'm sure my mother is painfully excited!

So, for her first car we are buying her a bus!

Oh, and even better, she says she may come back home to live if she gets married and finds out her husband is dumb.

When we were homeless

We started our summer off with a bang when we got news the owners of the house wanted to sell everything-their houses, land, everything. What to do? We began looking at houses in the area, and I was actually flabbergasted to find out that I, as a part-time employee and full-time stay at home mom who has never owned a credit card before to keep me from purchasing items I do not need....had NO CREDIT. I should have re-thought that idea a few years ago. Our worries deepened as we found out that most purchases would require thousands down so I quickly decided we'd just be homeless. I pictured in my mind all four of us piled up in a tent in my parent's front yard. After all, we could rotate the tent every other day, pick a new spot around the yard and pretend we were camping...permanently.

However, we were sent a saving grace by the owners offering to sell the property to a fantastic deal. We still had to paint, do minor repairs and pull up carpet to revert back to the beautiful hardwood floors so the appraiser could come do his thing and give a nice report. And today, THE HOUSE BECAME OUR'S. I can not tell you how wonderful it feels to finally own a home. I've honestly never felt like this was 'my' home because it wasn't but now I can breathe easier knowing it's mine. I don't have to ask if I can put in a storm shelter, I don't have to ask if we can add on a get what I mean.

I cried just thinking of having to leave the place behind when we were homeless. This house was built by my husband's grandfather and his sweet little grandmother had made a nice home here for her family. You just can't buy memories. Although my childhood wasn't spent here with walks to the barn, sitting with family on the front porch, climbing cherry trees or picking apples, I desperately want it to my children's memories, and even their children's. My daughter took her first steps here, I spent countless hours everyday trying to teach my deaf children to speak here, I've done cartwheels out in the yard for crying out loud! It was crushing to be faced with the possibility of having to leave it all behind and start over elsewhere. But it just worked out.

I am extremely proud of my husband who went above and beyond to get this house for us. After several minor hiccups during this lengthy process, we closed on it this morning. Now I can plant a cherry tree to replace the one my husband remembers. I can plant hydrangeas like both our Maw Maws loved. This house has been extremely good to us, and we are looking forward to growing old here.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Free Diss Lessons!

Book now while we still have spaces available

The Blakely children will be giving free lessons next week on
Assuring Parents They Are NOT COOL
Book your free DISS LESSON early
space is limited

On Monday: Brooklyn will teach the art of rolling the eyes
This expert will demonstrate for her peers how to roll the eyes appropriately when parents make any suggestions on any subject. She has perfected the eye roll with everything from fashion suggestions to meal advice from elders and she's bringing it all to you FOR FREE!

On Tuesday: Gage will show his peers how to perfect selective hearing. He will strengthen their hearing at times of need and show them how to listen for key words like WalMart, toy store, four wheeler, and much more!

This lesson carries over to Wed when Gage will also demonstrate to his peers how to NOT HEAR words like clean up, pick up toys, throw away, unload dishwasher, any many more non important speech.

On Thursday: Both children will offer lessons on DIRTY LOOKS. These children have worked hard to perfect these horrid looks that will make parents feel knee high to a grasshopper. They will work on a combo of lip curls, teeth baring, eye squinting and nose wrinkling to give the dirtiest of dirty looks! And at no cost to you! These techniques work best when parents actually think they are funny or cool like dancing in the car, singing Justin Bieber and many other occasions that parents ACTUALLY think their children will enjoy.

On Friday: The workshop will conclude by bringing parents back in for the children to demonstrate their new DISSING techniques! Any children who can make their parents cry will be awarded with blue ribbons.

So get your DISSING DONE RIGHT! And hurry, this workshop is one week only.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pain in my innards

I awoke with full intention to lace up the sneakers, and streeeeetch really really good, and have a full day of toe-touches, herkies, round-off back handsprings...well, at least one or two of those on that list. I've never been able to do flips other than the sad cartwheels I've boasted that I can still pull off.

What happened in reality is that, we shelled peas til lunch, then I prepped the peas for the freezer for a while after that...followed by laundry, laundry, and laundry. Exactly one hour before time to leave for cheer practice, I put on my shoes and I stretched. When I felt comfortable with the idea of going outside and trying to lift my legs up off the ground using my arms and core, I proceeded to the back door. I walked outside, taking slow deep breaths, thankful for every step I took, knowing I was probably about to break an appendage. I love you right foot, I love you left leg, I thought as I felt with each step I took, it could be my last for a while. I searched for that perfect spot of yard, not too bumpy, no rocks...I was looking for the absolute safest slice of ground. Once I found it, I stood still and listened...No cars, we're good.

I did a few practice rounds, with a simple high kick. With sweat on my brow and air in my lungs, I lifted my arms and attempted to pull both legs up off the ground and into a herkie...

Both feet did come off the ground but the landing...tsk, tsk. I didn't fall so that was a good sign, but my confidence was lessening and my mind tried to come up with an intelligent solution. You see, I had volunteered to TEACH THE DARN JUMPS.

I tried the toe-touch and several more herkies but I looked like an overweight 36 year old trying to be a cheerleader. Panic slowly set in, but I decided that I'd just call on one of the older girls on the squad to demo while I counted for them....Yea, yea, that's it. Problem solved.

I walked back into the air condition when I noticed a slight pain in my....innards. It was deep in my stomach and felt like maybe I'd lacerated my stomach lining or maybe dislocated a rib or something...but I had to get to practice soon.

Soon I found myself at practice, scoping out every single older cheerleader and hoping to find one that would demo the jumps. I was met by one of the other coaches and I swear she was sent to rescue me! With her pearly whites, and tan skin she looks me right in the eye and says, "Now Val, Carly's here (a teen cheerleader) and would love to demo the jumps for us unless you just really want to do them." For a brief moment, I'd thought she'd asked me to marry her and I was saying YES, because I could not have been happier.

So a very happy ending, Big V did not have to jump, nothing was damaged too badly and I walk another day. Kinda disappointed I'm not having another wedding but hey, I'm happily married anyway! Now, where's my ibuprofen? I do have a sore back, and several small parts to get better by tomorrow when we go and do it all again! And next we tackle the dance routine...Dirty Bit!  Woot Woot!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Rabid Children

Wow, two weeks...

And I turn over two rabid children to the public school system again. It's gonna be a rude awakening for these two when they are limited on their 8:30 pm frog catching, 8 am sleeping in, 10 am lunch one day only to wait til 1 pm to eat lunch the next, no schedule havin', swim suit all-day wearin', no shirt/no shoes, dirty faced and garden pickin', all-day truck buildin', caffeine drinkin' kids...

...and I eagerly drop them off to their teachers in hopes they will soon fall back on a schedule and our military-like mornings return without a hitch!

Get ready teachers!!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Camel Cricket Toe

With my heart's rapid beat, I slowly opened the back door. I must have peered at that back yard for two minutes, making sure he had not come back. The only thing that separated me and my clothes line was the dew covered grass, not a snake in sight.

I knew I had to do it. With basket in hand, I put my feet in onto the concrete patio and closed the door behind me. If I saw him now, I'd have to jump onto the chain link fence and pray it would hold me off the ground.

My confidence grew and I was soon at my clothes line. One shirt after the other, I hung my laundry to dry. As the basket quickly emptied, I outstretched my arms to hang the last garment. With visions of "Pet Sematary" in my mind, only instead of a crazed rabid dog on the other side of the sheets, I imagined a king cobra with a large muscular outstretched neck ready to kill me at any minute, I quickly tried to finish.

As the last pin was clipped securely on the Alabama tee my husband wore yesterday, it happened. In less than a second the snake's fangs sunk into my foot's flesh and I felt my heart fall out of my chest. In the heat of the moment and pure reflex, my foot flew up in the air and slammed down on the ground and for a second, I was sure my toe was broken (again). However when I looked down, all I saw was a dirt covered toe with red peeking through the mud. My blood colored polish was barely visible through the soil but no snake could be seen. That wasn't a snake at all. It was a camel cricket. He'd decided to hop on my toe and had no idea how close he came to death this morning. Relieved my toe wasn't broken and that my heart continued to beat, I went inside and wondered how long I'd be suffering the snake aftermath.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Alabama Chicken Snake

 We had a friend over today. He snapped at my husband before crawling under our house. I was a little concerned I wouldn't get any sleep, sure that every strand of hair brushing my neck was a snake coming to kill me...
however, our cat chased it back to the woods.

He strolled around the house, under the house, and even in our fire place outside on the patio, but we like to keep these visits short anyway. He was non-poisonous and typically we country-folk throw most non-poisonous snakes under the category of chicken snake.

Cup Size

Listen, I've tried to keep my kids as little as possible for as long as possible. So much so that I've even held onto to the baby fat I gained during pregnancy. My kids are now 7 and 10. It's time to get over it don't ya think?

I opened the cabinet this morning and realized we are still using tiny plastic dishes we've had FOR YEARS. I'm ridding our kitchen of these tiny things today (I'll hang on to maybe one or two) and we are moving them up to the adult dishes. They use the adult dishes for the most part anyway so it's just ME...I'm the one who needed to hang on to these plastic cups...and I'm letting go...they aren't big enough anyway!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fluent in Rap

During my last spin class at The Gym, I sat next to a lady who frequents the place and is often found inside the spin room. She has all the proper gear for cycling indoors from her specific shorts down to her shoes. This lady is very fit, really pretty, and can likely set a mean table. She's very social with all her luncheons, charities, etc.

During spin class a rap song was blaring over the speakers and she began to giggle along with the instructor as they tried to figure out the lyrics. She looked over at me and asked me if I knew what they were saying and what the heck it meant...and I gladly translated.

"I'm very fluent in rap you know," I confidently told her. I decided to push farther and add, "In fact, I listen to a lot of rap. Gangsta rap too!" She smiled and found the words, "Well, isn't that a fun fact."

Haha, you just never know who you are sitting beside in spin class. That homely, sweaty, white lady could have Flo-Rida playing inside her head or Easy-E or reason I like some of it isn't for the grime, the grit, the hard-core lyrics, it's writers like Tupac who could put together words at a higher level, use symbolism and actually be brilliant. Some of the other stuff just cracks me up and I like to laugh.

I will say that now that my kids are getting older, and can actually hear some of the words despite their hearing loss (if they hear only one word, it'll be a curse word) I have limited opportunities to play this type of music. And, to be quite honest, I have enough of it still in my head that I don't NEED to hear it much anymore. But there you go, just a little 'fun fact'.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Fo Shizzle

I've reached a point with my children (didn't take me long) that they realize how uncool I am. I don't necessarily want to be cool anyway.

The other day, I started dancing and singing a song I've heard on one of those stupid tv shows, and then once I achieved just the right amount of eye squinting lip curling dirty looks from my kids I followed with, "What? I'm the new Big Time Rush member!" thinking I was cool for knowing such words! Both heads shaking they returned, "It's the Fresh Beat Band!" and then they LEFT THE ROOM so they could make fun of me!

Ahhh, so this is the point where parents, realize we know nothing that's playing on the  top 40 stations, we pop in a Snoop Dogg CD because it's familiar, and we say "Fo Shizzle!" because in our minds, we are still cool.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Please Don't Come in Wildly...

We are doing our best to ensure our children turn out as nutty as we are. It looks like all the hard work is paying off. We awoke to yet another note from the 10 year old. It states...

Please don't come in wildly be calm cuz I want you to open the door, look at the picture card I made (I just put them by each other and made a pic) Put the 3D glasses on! Pic is by cardboard fence don't touch!!
...and he has an arrow pointing to the glasses he's propped behind the door knob.
Congratulations. We never know what we'll wake up to. The child needs to work third shift for sure when he gets older. He gets 'busy' after we go to bed at 8:30 pm and works on his projects for like an hour or so before he too collapses. It's unclear how he pulled his chain around front and rigged a screwdriver to gently hold a flashlight...or even why? But he knows the rule of not locking your bedroom doors at night (my children are deaf so this is an essential rule!)
We are also pretty convinced he's gonna be OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) just like my sister who counts words on her fingers and my dad who is very clock oriented.

Either way, he's a fun little guy to watch and at this point he prefers the number five over four, he gets very irritated if things are by fours not fives and he's almost always needed things to be in patterns. So we wonder what will come next?!?! My sister is gracious enough to explain things I don't understand, like what goes through the brain that makes a person take a certain amount of steps into a building or repeat sentences in your head until they end on a 5th or 10th finger....