The Water Slide

So my mother took me and my sister (and the little people that live with us) to the beach this weekend and someone had the great idea to take the kids to Waterville USA while we were down there. That's a huge water park/amusement park. For five hours we played, we swam, we drove go-karts, we traveled the Lazy River...

At some point in my delusional-heat stroke kinda mentality-I look over at my sister and point to these big (non-kiddie) water slides and say "Hey, if any of the kids wanna go down those, I'll take 'em...or you can if you want." She looked at me like I'd just slapped her kid and she proceeded to cuss me out. I guess she didn't wanna go (she's even more scared than I am of heights!)

Okay, I can do this. I opened my mouth and asked this question..."Hey, who wants to go on those big water slides?" My son wasn't interested at all but two little girls, ages 6 and 7 excitedly say "I wanna go, I wanna go." So we went.

The first deck leading up to the slides wasn't that bad. At this point we were only about 20 feet in the air. As we waited in line, we chatted about which slide we wanted to go down. They had three different colors leading down and we all picked a different color so we could go down at the same time. Then we went up the next set of steps and I felt weak. Don't look down, don't look down, keep talking to the kids, distraction distraction DISTRACTION!!

My knees were weakened by the altitude and all I could think was, "Do it for the chill-ren! Do it for the chill-ren!" Someone bumped into me and the two inches I moved seemed to have me falling 50 feet down in my mind. My back tingled as my mind accepted the fact that I was gonna fall to a sure splat. If anyone else bumps me, I may throw up.

The kids were waiting quietly at this point as we neared the next set of steps, the final set...I wanted to ask if either of them had changed their minds but said nothing. Saliva ran down into my mouth and I fought hard to make it up those final steps with my hands and knees shaking. The kids walked over to their slides, as I did mine and we waited for the cue to go down. The lifeguard watched over the edge and now that I can't see the bottom, it isn't so bad.

She gave us the thumbs up, and I saw both girls go down so I had to GO! I hopped in my slide and I started laughing. I have a nervous laughter that begins when I'm on scary rides such as a 4-D movie theater when you sit in a seat and feel like you are IN the movie! I knew this laughter wasn't a good sign. It's almost like one of those evil scary movies when the killer has been caught and is about to die, but all he can do is laugh out loud! Very weird I know but I usually laugh until tears start rolling from my eyes. I'm laughing and screaming "Oh [insert un ugly word of your choice] Oh [insert an ugly word of your choice]" as my body is shooting down this RACE TRACK at speeds I never imagined. I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm throwing legs up, arms up, I didn't care who can see me from above, logic told me to grab on to the sides and I will slow down!!" But I could not. It was so slippery and my only option was to reach the bottom at speeds I can't control. I'm sliding, and turning so fast, I can't see what's coming up around each corner, will I go up or down, sideways, and WOOOSH. The end. I didn't even have time to hold my breath as the water shot straight up through my nostrils and punctured my brain. I'm confused, I'm still laughing and I feel exposed. I try to pull around on my swimsuit to make sure if anything was OUT THERE, it would be covered as soon as possible.

Anything that was hanging out at top was okay now so I step over the edge of the slide, see the girls doing the same and I breathe from my mouth and reach around to the back and try to cover what's back there. I don't feel my suit but I knew I was wearing a one-piece when I got on the slide so I find it hard to believe it all came off. I finally found the suit which had been transformed at the end of the slide to a thong and we are all okay.

I tell the girls as I gasp for air and stumble around that "I didn't like that at all. I was horrified!" My sister's child looked up at me and with chubby cheeks said, "Val, I wanna go down the pink one!" So with that, we all walked right back over to the steps, and began our climb to the top.

I am wearing a scab on my elbow from the frantic fight I put up on my way down trying to grab on to something...anything. I will forever laugh now when I see a water slide.