How To Avoid a Hangover

WOW, we had lots of partying going on this past weekend...and I find it very difficult to attend parties that don't begin at 2 p.m. and end by 5 due to being a granny my tedious schedule.

I have learned from experience that most not all parties will fit my schedule. So I've come up with ways to avoid that hangover...and no, it doesn't always require alcohol to have that hung-over feeling the next morning!

Here are the tips that helped me last weekend when I had one all-day festival followed by another party beginning at sundown and ending before midnight that same day...followed by a birthday party and another evening/night festival the very next day...WHEW.

My oldest at The Gym lock-in. They had SO MUCH FUN!! Very organized event and lots to do.

My youngest at the church festival. THEY RODE HORSES, need I say more? Big fun.

They let balloons go that said, "God loves you"

1. Start your day at 4 a.m. That just fixes everything!
2. Cook dinner as you cook breakfast so that when one party ends you can run home, eat, and your off to the next event in like one hour's time.
3. Pack a small lunch cooler with water. We live in the middle of nowhere and my kids only get thirsty in the car when there is no where or time to stop! Using a permanent marker label each water bottle with initials so that there are no transfer of sibling cooties.
4. Don't sit down. Chances are, you won't get back up. If your back gives out like me you may take small five minute breaks but sit on the edge of the seat so you don't get too comfy.
5. When you finally get home at midnight, have these already in place. They are cardboard inserts that block out all light from the outside. We shamelessly keep them under the bed and on days like this, we pull them out so the morning sun that we normally love to see, doesn't pull our eyes open until invited.

We are pathetic.

Extreme Flu is Spreading Fast

I just have to tell you!! My sister just called me, she's been trying to reach me since yesterday and I knew something was wrong. We finally spoke today and she started describing a condition I am all too familiar with.

She described, "I made it out to the car...I was aware that I was there but had no idea who was driving. I finally 'came to' at the red light down the road and realized I was driving." She said she collapsed when she got home and went on to say, "I had to cover up. I was suffering from flu-like symptoms."

I took one look at the aerobic schedule from yesterday and I knew immediately she was suffering from Extreme Flu brought on by Lady F. If you aren't familiar with this "lady" she's sort of like Charles Manson since she thinks it's perfectly okay to cause physical and mental harm to people. She's started working at a big-time hospital recently and she's since her visits are limited now to the gym, she's even more brutal and heartless than before.

I have to admit, I was almost envious of my sister though. I haven't been to the gym in almost a week and haven't had a class in like 2 weeks!! I need to burn some major calories. Ever since I heard about the soon to rise cost in peanut butter, I've been storing it like squirrels do nuts for the winter...only I've been storing it on my hips instead of our pantry! Looks like Lady F has her work cut out for her when I return to one of her classes.

Horror at the Hometown Parade

We looked forward all day to participating in the hometown parade. Helping coach the youngest of the cheerleaders has been big fun and as we approach the end of our season with only one game left now, the parade was going to be one of the bittersweet final activities of our season.

We had candy, we had our signs, we had lots of tiny girls ready to ride in the parade. Homecoming queens of various sizes were perched atop cool cars, various high school classes had worked hard all week creating floats and the band could be heard throughout the small town. Excited football players and excited fans with adrenaline pumping, had heart rates elevated.

I was curious as to our transportation method since I saw no trucks with trailers saying "C-Team Cheerleaders". I finally asked our Head Coach when she pointed to a firetruck....ABSOLUTE PANIC set in.

Um, I get queasy doing a cartwheel so there's no way I'm climbing onto a very tall vehicle that moves and turns over has no seat belts or safety rails with about 20 squirmy children. My blood pressure (already too high from cold meds) soars to probably near stroke levels when I have no shame in telling her she's insane.

Thinking quick on my feet, I see a way out. There's a couple of girls nearly in tears as she told them they were to ride atop this massive red engine. I immediately told them, "Oh honey, you don't have to ride, Mrs. Blakely will walk with you behind the firetruck." They smiled and I was their hero.

As the girls started going up, one after the other, I saw one scared child who I thought I could count on, go up and find a spot on the firetruck, then another and another. What's wrong with these kids? I thought they were smart, I thought I could count on them. And just like that, I was left alone. Obviously I wasn't gonna walk by myself, there were some crazy 7th graders behind us and I was more scared of them than the height of the truck so after some baby talk coaxing from a fireman, I climbed. It took me four large steps to get up there. Once I up, I couldn't move. I screamed the little girls in a demonic voice, "Quit movin' DON'T MOVE!!"

One scared child had her hand clinched around my collar bone, and that was fine. I was using her for stability as much as she was using me. The sirens roared and we were mobile. My feet were pressed against the side of the truck and nothing moved other than my lungs and my heart. My eyes darted quickly behind dark shades and I'm sure fear was stamped across my face.

As we made our way through the parade, I loosened up enough to wave at a few random people. The girls were throwing candy but I continued to shout, "Sit down, don't move!!" as I never lost complete fear. The parade was over in about 30 seconds since our town is so small but then I faced to worst part of the ride...climbing the massive hill to get back to our starting point. We were moving straight up a hill and our bodies were shifting back. The Head Coach assured me I wasn't gonna drop to my bloody death and we were all safely returned.

That's me next to the yellow arrow holding on for dear life

The girls were fantastic and once I realized it was over and I was OFF the thing, I decided it was actually pretty safe. Our top speed was about 2 mph and I'm kinda glad I manned up and just did it. Whew, two days later, my blood pressure has finally lowered a bit and thank the Lord I didn't know about the whole firetruck thing before I arrived...I likely would have been too sick to attend!!!

Ambulance at My House

There is nothing like sleep walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night and hear an extremely loud and close ambulance at my house. It was so close in fact I didn't just wake up, I woke in full blown Mama instinct panic save my kids from a fire kind of mode even though it was an ambulance. I was standing at my son's door so when I flung his door open I saw lights. It was a darn toy! He is deaf so he never heard it so I simply shut his door and acted as if it didn't happen. I was kind of disappointed I wouldn't be a hero this day.

I've been fighting for my life a man cold. The older I get, the longer my colds last. This is the second full week of sniffles, runny nose, bleeding nose, I can't reach the remote or open the dishwasher and quite frankly, no one here wants to hear it anymore. Looks like I'm gonna have to break down and do some kinda laundry but I'll grunt and grown as if it's breaking every bone in my body to see if I can grab one more day of sympathy. Actually it's my school's PTO Homecoming Spirit Store sale and town parade so I'll attend these events first and then come home and be sick. I've learned from the pro that man colds never interfere with football so I can always be sick after the social events! Today I shall paint red and blue under by eyes to hide my bags and get these kids all fired up for the big game tonight! Woop Woop!

Because I knew...

I tried to go back to sleep when my husband's alarm woke me at 2:45 this morning. For almost an hour I listened to him get ready for work, I listed to him open cabinet after cabinet as if I had moved all the dishes and he could find nothing...but I didn't get up to help. I kept lying there, hoping I'd drift back off to sleep. I did not. But I didn't get mad, because I knew...

And because I wanted to save him from the grotesque vision of a wife with a cold, I waited until I heard his car backing out of the driveway to get up. It was almost four. With tissues in hand, my runny nose and I went straight to the bathroom. I knew when I looked in the mirror, I had made a good decision by waiting til he left to get out of bed....ugh! But I didn't feel sorry for myself, because I knew...

I started the coffee and read some blogs. I cooked breakfast for the kids and eventually got myself ready for the day. I am an 'on call' substitute teacher so I kinda have to. I took the children to school and raced back home where I began laundry, cleaning the bathroom, even dinner (crock pot). I had "lunch" at 9 and another at 11 (baked potato w/daughter as I paid her a surprise visit @ school) and still no one needed me to sub so I smiled as I pulled back in my driveway, because I knew...

At exactly noon, I drank my Alka-seltzer cold plus and kicked off my shoes. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I turned the TV on in my bedroom to a movie of no interest and placed my head on my pillow. It wasn't long after that I heard machine guns. I opened my eyes and I knew...

I looked at the clock at it read 12:45, I had just spent the last 45 minutes in a blissful daytime coma, and they are the BEST! Ahh, refreshed and blessed. This may not happen again until 2012 but I enjoyed every peaceful minute.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Part 2

My husband once worked second shift. I found it hard to fall asleep until he was home safe and sound and often got up during the night to use the restroom just to make sure I could see his car outside.

He didn't necessarily come straight to bed when he got home, he might work on his car, wash his car or sit and watch tv for a couple of hours before winding down for bed. One night, I had a really hard time falling asleep. I just lied on my back staring at the ceiling, hoping to hear his car coming up the road...and I finally did. He pulled into the drive way and I heard his car door close. I never heard him enter the house. I got worried. I imagined someone out there beating him, robbing him, or worse so JUMPED out of bed to go SAVE my husband from danger.

I gently open the back door.
Me: "Chad?"
No answer.
Me: (louder) "Chad?"
Him: (sounding very distant) "Yeah."
Me: (not sure I heard him) "Chad?"
Him: (still distant) "Yeah?"
Me: (trying to get a location on him-I yell louder) "Chad!!"
Him: "I'm in the bed!!"

The cold air from outside woke me and I realize he'd been inside, eaten dinner, showered and already made it to bed...while I had fallen asleep waiting...

I have a blogger friend Rachel who is famous for breaking a nose while sleep walking. Click here to read her very funny interesting story. 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I have a hidden talent. I do lots of things while unaware I catch up on some ZZZZZZZs.

I'm coming clean here today because last night I ALMOST answered a teacher's call while I was asleep. Sure it was only 9:30 but I'd already been asleep for over an hour. I actually walked into the living room to retrieve this call when apparently my brain heard the phone ringing, it just forgot to wake up. Luckily all I did was pick up the phone without answering and stare at the caller ID. Unfortunately, I've actually answered some calls while dozing! Here is how my last conversation went as I spoke on the phone to someone while asleep.

Me: "Hello"
Brother-in-law: "Is Chad there?"
Me: (in a very LOUD and high pitched voice) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law:(giggling-thinking I'm making fun of him) "Yeah, is Chad there?"
Me: (remaining LOUD and high pitched) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law: (realizing I'm insane) "Is he at the cabin?"
Me: (remaining Loud and high pitched) "Is he at the cabin?"
Brother-in-law: (scared of me now) "Oh, ok...well I'll talk to you later."
Me: (still insane) "Is he at the cabin?"

I hung the phone up and my husband's sweet little sleepy voice wakes me when he questions my conversation. He has since revoked my phone-by-the-bed privileges and we no longer have the ringer turned on in our room. I'm fully aware of what has happened IF someone wakes me, but otherwise, it all becomes a 4-D dream I'll not even realize I've participated in.

So how did I wake up last night? When the phone quit ringing, I put it back down, and went to crawl back into bed. Instead of trying to get back in on my side of the bed, I thought it would be best to creep up the middle.? I placed one hand around my husband's bare ankle. It wasn't so much the contact with bare skin that woke me, it was the way he jumped about four feet. His entire body flew up as if he were Regan from The Exorcist...and THAT is what woke me up!

Because I'm Pimpin'

I slide into the driver seat of the hot little family sedan I drive. It's cloudy outside but I slip on a pair of large lensed shades with fake diamonds on the side, because I'm pimpin'. I thump my way through the car line and soon I'm one kid down, the other still in tow.

As we make our way down that long road to the urban land, he's working hard on customizing his toy vehicles, while I'm pimpin'. I think to myself, I can't wait til he figures out how hydraulics work, then it's ON !!

I have one hand on the wheel, the other on my right leg so I can tap as needed with the music. It doesn't take long for me to run through Lady GaGa, Adele, and Miranda Lambert...all three of which sound EXACTLY like ME. I switch to one of my favorite hip hop stations where Ludacris is already slangin' some rhymes...and I join him. Before you know it, I'm bouncin' around singing My Chick Bad, My Chick Hood and for a second, I actually think I'm Ludacris, because I'm pimpin'. Is that normal? Most people don't know I bust domes and sit on chromes with some of the baddest rappers around! I lose a small sense of reality as we bump our way into Birmingham. My kid has ignored me the whole hour and a half as he's been in deep construction with his latest invention.

We finish our errands soon and head all the way back towards home and I slowly get back into character. With my son by my side, I beat my right leg til it throbbed so I then reached over and began slapping his leg to give mine a rest. The music was good and I had to keep with the beat somehow. The more he tried to convince me that I DO NOT SOUND LIKE BEYONCE, the more I tried to sound like Beyonce "sucks to be you right now"...

I tried a little Ram Jam "Black Betty", I tried REO Speedwagon, AC/DC and Joe Walsh, even the Zac Brown Band and they all ended the same...a pimpin' white mom who thinks she's cool with oversized shades in a car full of toys and booster seats...ugh, if I only had those hydraulics!!

...coming soon to a car near you! And yes, I have been busted by friends in Birmingham before who pulled up beside me during one of my performances, called me on the phone, and we sat there laughing at a red light...

Who is the bigger redneck

Just to confirm my desires to be a full blown redneck through and through...I issued a challenge to my husband as we walked around the yard, enjoying the various fruits we grew this year. We grew watermelon, grapes, pears, apples, peaches, and muscadines.

As I watched my husband walk around with his CATerpillar cap, his dirty old boots and camo pants, I began to wonder...how does someone actually earn the title "Redneck". Living in the country, it's an elite club that we have only borderline qualities as our qualifications to join. I felt a strong need to step over that fine line of being country, to being redneck.

I've changed my shirt in public at a football game with only a tank top protecting my flesh but you know, when in Rome...

I've shouted double negatives in public on accident and no one even noticed...

My idea of appetizers for parties is Chex mix and salted peanuts, but still something was holding us back from that real label we both desired...REDNECK.

I thought as we both crammed muscadines into our mouths as if they were the absolutes best thing on Earth...which we all know they are...I think I've got it...and I spoke

"Hey!" as we tend to call people, animals, anything alive instead of using proper salutations others may use outside of the rural plantations. Hey is actually polite here. "Wanna see who can spit their seed the farthest?" He looked me up and down as if I didn't have a chance and replied, "You'll lose, this is a man's competition!"

I rolled the seed up to the front of my tongue as we now stood side by side and shot it with every ounce of power I had. He chuckled at my five feet shot and threatened me with a squint of the eye. He rolled the seed around several times in his mouth until he found the proper launching spot. He glanced one last time as if to say, this is how it's done. I watched as his cheeks sunk in as he breathed deep and he blew. The seed when high and far and when it landed, I was defeated. A man's competition. But I won after all, I had just been inducted into the Redneck Hall of Fame. Such a proud day for the Blakelys.

Five Dollar Pork Sale

I've decided to sell pork. You can pay a couple of bucks a pound in the grocery store for swine so when I heard that the local GYM was having a competition called 60 Miles in 30 Days, I figured I'd pay the $5 and sign myself up, and besides you get a tee-shirt if you get your 60 in 30 completed in the time span. Instead of buying pork to eat, I'd be shedding the lard from myself and it would only cost me what I'd pay for a bacon cheeseburger (non-gym-members pay $10).

When I put my name on the sign up sheet, I saw that JERRY had already beat me!! I thought I was doing good to sign up weeks in advance and his name was already there! Well I got news for ya Jerry, I'll be wearing my tee-shirt before you will. I plan to accomplish the 60 miles easily so you'll have to work hard to catch up with me!

So where are my other friends at? We can't let the previous generation (nice way of saying 'older people') kick our butts. They are supposed to be home knitting and sitting on the front porch, so come on my people, sign that form! Enjoy the $5 Pork Sale.