Monday, May 2, 2011

A Violent Ride

Ok, consider this your disclaimer...too much information headed your way!

First of all, I blame the teachers who didn't call me to sub today which forced me to show my face at Lady F's spin class. I knew that she would likely be in a violent mood today since the Alabama tornadoes not only took out her power for a few days, but since her husband works for the power company, he had to leave her for a few days as well. I knew that those of us who showed up today would be like sitting ducks with targets on our foreheads since she's had some disturbance in her daily schedule. I got as far away from her as I could.

When she turned on the music and began singing "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna, my suspicions were confirmed...were were in for a long ride. She allows no fans in her classes. (I'm telling you, she is crazy hard core!) She sang the chorus over the mic and I'm getting scared. She glanced at me just as Eminem screamed "my fist through the drywall!!" and my mind starts searching for a happy place. I need birds, I need the ocean, I need something other than this! I could not pull up a happy place to save my life. I'm sweating so bad at this point, it's stinging my eyes and I wonder if I've now reached a point that I'm sweating blood. She's yelling for me not to slow down so I pedal faster, still looking for a happy place. She barks for us to move up and down and up and down all while we are pedalling as fast as we can but all I can think about is how badly my thong is hurting...that's when I realized I didn't wear a thong, I had on big girl panties when I walked in but somehow they were reduced with all the commotion of the violent ride.

I double check with the nurse beside me on her ability to perform CPR and she assures me she can do it. Only 30 minutes had passed and I'm still convinced I'm sweating blood. I look to my other side and mouth the word HELP to Sharonda. She laughed at me.

When it was finally over, I went to the "Landlord". I told her I needed Lady F to sign a waiver so I can write nasty things about her-I tend to fight my battles with a pen because Lady F would totally kick my butt in a real fight...but the Landlord just laughed, she thought I was kidding. I made a few stops around town and chatted with several folks, and then the nausea set in.

I actually thought I was gonna throw up in my drive way. I ran inside and got something to drink and I was fine. I had burned so many calories and my stomach was furious with me for not feeding it well enough. I stepped inside the bathroom to wash the Lady F off of me. I looked in the mirror and I realized I had a black eye. Not kidding! I've learned my lesson about wearing mascara to the gym so now I only wear a tiny bit of eyeliner. I had apparently sweated and smeared it all around my ocular globe...I have got to start checking my mirror BEFORE I go around starting up conversations! I knew it was a violent ride.

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