Old Lady Shoes

I put on my comfortable shoes...which translates as my old lady clodhoppers. I knew we would be outnumbered but if I didn't show up, they'd all call me chicken.

I pulled up, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the car and presented myself as excited, brave, and ready. Little did they all know, I was worried sick. What if somebody pukes, or poops or runs away? That's a lot of pressure for someone in old lady shoes. I am immediately greeted by kids of all sizes and scramble to find everyone a name tag...because otherwise, they'll all have to go by Hey, or Orange Shirt, or Sweetheart. This way, I can at least mispronounce their names! What happened to the days when everyone was named Johnny, Jimmy, Betty or Linda? But no, now everyone has to be special and unique. That makes it hard on the ones wearing old lady shoes.

As I'm placing a name tag around little Chloe, or was it Ashlyn...I look up and there she was. I watched her move across the parking lot and I hoped she was heading my way. We made eye contact and her perfectly white teeth smiled in my direction. My prayers had been answered. The elementary school teacher was in my group. As children ran around us like they'd been filled with Red Bull and chocolate, she confirmed she was there to do everything for us help our group. A visible sigh of relief came across my face and I awaited my orders.

Soon, children that were as tall as my left knee formed a line. She told me to march and I did just that without question. Kids that were screaming, quietened down and all she had to do was tell them they were going to march and listen. I'm pretty sure I could have told them the same thing and they would have marched in the opposite direction and listened to each other scream louder, but they did as told, for her. I had myself a winner here.

The kids all did great. They sang, they played, they crafted, they listened and learned. No children were lost or harmed during VBS at my church. Mamas carried babies, teachers taught lessons, singers taught songs, and I wore old lady shoes.

I slept so good last night, thanks to those toddlers on Red Bull and chocolate. I love them all, and I'm so happy they had a good time. Their little smiling faces and fast feet will remain in my mind forever.

Spun

I must be insane and many of you will agree but I showed up for spin class at five this morning. I had secretly hoped my stomach would still ache like it did yesterday but I awoke without one single pain, darn. I swiped on some deodorant even though I'd smell like a hog farm when it was over and laced up my shoes and was on my merry way.

Once I arrived, I was glad to see bright and smiling faces this early in the morning, many I haven't seen since I quit showing up at the gym six months ago, it made me happy. I walked in the class as if I hadn't put on ten pounds and like I was some kinda die-hard spinner. The music began, and I spun.

My biggest concern was how sore my tail would be after we walked out of here. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, it reminds me of church. I pray. I ask for strength. I look around and it's every man for himself, we get out-what we put in. Yeah, kinda like church.

I reached for my towel as sweat began to drip and I realized only sixty seconds had passed...this was gonna be a long ride. I went up and down, spun fast and slow, went up hills and flew down them...and never left that room. I started wishing that I'd given someone my home phone number in case I passed out, but it was too late. Sweat was flying.

By the end of class, as we slowed down to cool off, I looked around my bike. I saw a BBQ potato chip, three salted peanuts and two glasses of Dr. Pepper. I was almost disappointed that with all that work and this is all that I had burned off my body until I saw that big pot of meanness. I felt much better and was so glad I went. No more stress and it felt good to have burned a few calories. It's good to start your day off right and now I'll think twice before I pick up a chip, drink two glasses of Dr. Pepper or a handful of peanuts.

Oh, and I apologize to the extreme man-cyclist behind me. Sorry you had to see "all this"...it's a work-in-progress.

The Redneck Chronicles

In our efforts to advance further in the transition to rednecks, we (meaning my husband) has jacked up our jeep.

 All the local dogs come hang out at our house...

 ...and the kids' primary source of transportation is the 4 wheeler



Like Spiderman

I walked in hoping to go unnoticed. Accidentally making eye contact with two instructors while trying to quickly sign my child up for a Fit Kit camp, I suddenly felt as if I were under a spot light. Heat filled my shameful face as they each approached me at different times. I tried to fill one with excuses but she only looked at me as if I had thoroughly disgusted her. The other walked up wearing her three kids so there goes the excuse of "oh sorry I haven't been in like a year but my kids are out of school..." Darn.

I walked to my car before I got bullied into some heart pumping aerobic class and made my way to Wal Mart for groceries. Whew, I was home free. I felt liberated as I conquered that major task at the gym without major complications. I was smiling and minding my own business when I turned the corner and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN...the instructor I had just disgusted down at the gym. Is she like Spiderman or something? I smiled confidently since she had not caught me on the snack aisle and strutted past as if I were glad to see her again.

Milk, cheese, darn I had forgot toilet cleaner...back I go a few aisles and BAM! There she is again. I accidentally roll my eyes this time and the thought of her stalking me crossed my mind. I quickly stroll my buggy way across the store only to find her there too, snarling with venom dripping from her fang. How is this woman doing this?

My stomach turned. I quickly threw some stuff in my cart as if a snow storm is about to hit, and I still needed bread! Right as I'm about be in the clear, I hear a low growl from around the corner and I swear I hopped over three aisles as if I were a gold medalist in the Summer Olympics. I had to get away. I knew that I had not got apples but there was no way, I'd allow the predator to get her prey by risking life and limb for something that grows freely in my yard anyway. It was really a close call today, but I do believe I might need to get back to the gym...if for no other reason but to shop peacefully!

Kinda like this...

Our Summer has been, kinda like this...

They've lost it...

You know that feeling when you leave the house of what did I forget?? Happens to everyone right? Well it didn't take me but a few miles before I realized what I didn't have...and that's high doses of anxiety medication!

What a day. The kids had to be separated right away. No surprise. Before we even got through the first town, I had to lay down the law.

"Look," I said. "You two will lose 4 wheelers, then you will lose your outside privileges and then it'll be a nice long nap for you if we can't all get along. Don't even look at each other."

I tried everything to distract them and finally, peace. The girl played quietly with Legos while the boy amused himself by staring at people as we drove past them. My luck was changing. Then, I noticed that we had a stalker. You know the weird guy that drives right beside you and never wants to pass or slow down, just ride along side you but you're too stubborn to look over kinda stalker. I thought I heard something which finally made me turn to look and see what the creep wanted only to find one of our favorite family friends laughing at us. Yes, we probably annoyed the traffic behind us as we chatted with our windows down for a mile or so but it was good to see "Old Man Clem". The rain had stopped pouring literally outside and the kids had calmed (just before the storm!)

We got to our appointment at The HEAR Center where #1 had to get his ears worked on. I thought he could play nice with the Legos while he got his ears tuned up...but I was wrong.

He instead made a toilet (ahem, yes I see what's inside) and before he was finished, yes, the Legos got taken away from him...by his Audiologist. Not for his special design but for the fact he just quit participating in the proper activity and decided to horseplay with the sister. The kids had just gone nuts by this point. They DID NOT earn a prize (again) and let's just say...ahh, nap time is wonderful. The only thing that got me through the horror was knowing that they've been worse....sad but true. We've been through worse and I'm lucky we have such a wonderful Audiologist that can get us MAPped and get us out of there quickly. (I wonder what she says to herself to get her through a Blakely appointment? "They'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon....")

Just wasn't our best trip. This was our first big outing though since we've been out of school so it's hard to say if they've lost it completely yet. Only time will tell. I'm hoping the energy isn't this high on Friday when I'm trapped in driving a van for six hours with not only them but another wild child plus two more adults. As we walked out of the door the Audiologist whispered demonic-like "Good luck Friday."

But in their defense, the removal of activities and the addition of a nap (aka rest time) has really improved their behavior-they are usually pretty darn good at home-and like I told them...Mommy could develop a Social Phobia where we never go anywhere if they misbehave every time we leave the house...which means no Wal Mart, no thrift stores, no beach!

Summer Vocab Begins....Now

Mid-day today, my children will begin their summer break from school. With this break brings new and old vocabulary most often heard during this time spent together...as a family...all...summer...long. I've composed a short list of things I'm likely to say, and things that will likely come through the mouths of my growing babies...

Me

• Get that frog OUT OF HERE!!
• Check for ticks
• Does it need stitches?
• Watch for snakes!!
• Put that down!! Ewww!
• I'm not too old to do a cartwheel!!
• Ouch, I'm too old to do cartwheels
• Get that out of my house!!!
• Go get my camera!!
• I'll put it Facebook
• Run along now
• Go find Mama some chocolate
• Everyone is on SILENCE!!
• Does everyone have on shoes?

Kids

• We're out of popsicles
• I'm bored
• I'm goin' swimmin'
• Look Mama, twelve frogs
• Let's go fishin'
• He hit me
• She hit me
• Snake!!!
• I'm runnin' away and NEVER EVER EVER comin' back
• I'm hungry
• Can we stay up late?
• If we be good, can we _____

...and the list goes on and on and on...looking forward to all the summer time fun!!

Because I'm 37

Last night, as I sat watching for the sun to go down which gives me permission to go to bed, I wondered what it would be like to be 36 again. I've been 37 for a whole 20 days now and I have no idea what it would be like to be younger again. As I scrolled through the the TV channels I saw American Idol was on... so I took a chance and stopped. I used to watch the show religiously just a few short years ago but because I'm 37, I had to turn it within the first five minutes. I shivered in my disappointment both in myself for not being able to take it and in the show itself for just not appealing to me anymore, and because I'm 37, I immediately switched it to Swamp People....ahhh, much better.

I used to watch shows like Big Brother, Jersey Shore, Amazing Race, The Bachelor, etc etc. Now, I barely even watch TV, I'd rather listen to the music channels (and yes, Gospel and Bluegrass rank as high as Old Skool Rap these days!) Because I'm 37, I dislike most of the songs played on the radio. It's not cute to curse, it's not cute to talk nasty, and most of the music is just bad and I know I've reached that point in my life where I'm my mother and there's probably no going back.

I've also realized recently that I don't have time for a lot of things...3 loads of laundry a day, cooking every single day, etc. but I'm not really THAT much busier. I'm guessing it's because I'm 37, it just takes me longer to do normal activities so I don't have time to do all that I did when I was younger! Now I spend a lot of my time backtracking. Re-entering rooms to try and remember why I went there in the first place. A lot of rethinking, now what is it I was supposed to tell my husband...

Last year I did a post (click here for The Digit) about turning 36 and when I went back and read it, I have so many more ailments to add! My mother bought me some Nair for my beard and mustache so I'm good with that, but let me add some things to my Digit List...

• at 36 I started paying my children to do more around the house, they need things like 36 flashlights and notebooks for baby dolls so I no longer buy toys and things except as gifts, they have to purchase these things by cleaning my house...Because I'm old, lazy and tired.
• at 37 my hip has started hurting. I'm assuming it's all the cartwheels and cheerleading jumps I did when I was 36 trying to prove that I was still young...but because I'm 37, I realize how stupid I was at 36. Now I realize my age, and will consider the consequence of replacement surgeries for all of the joints I put at risk when I do stupid things.

Anyway, it's been a great 20 days so far, and if I make it 345 more til I turn 38, I'll be a lucky and Blessed Old Lady! And I would like to thank the little boy in the 8th grade class I substituted in this week that tried to guess my age (VERY DANGEROUS GAME) and called out 29.....I guess at age 14 that seems very old.

Going to the Dentist (on a Sunday)

So I normally trick the kids on April Fool's Day in some way...last year, I packed my son's lunch in his sister's bright pink camo lunch box with a note saying "Happy April Fool's Day", put it away in his backpack, and he had no idea until he pulled it out of his bag at school! It was awesome and I was very proud of myself...

This year, April Fool's Day fell on a Sunday and though we don't normally skip church, we had something very special planned for this day which also happens to be my birthday! With evil thoughts running in my head of what can I get away with this year...I took my ideas to my husband. We plotted and schemed and finally agreed to lie to convince the children that they were in fact going to the dentist today. Oh the horrors...

They begged, "No, please don't make us go today, we'll go later on a different dayyyyyy, pleeaazzze!" But we told them to clean up, brush their hair, scrub their teeth until their gums bleed and put on some shoes, we were LEAVING.

My oldest child decided he would wear a green t-shirt, blue shorts, white socks and church shoes. Hmmm. "You can't wear those church shoes with shorts and certainly not with white socks!!" I asked the child to go back and put on his tennis shoes but he was stubborn said he was deliberately wearing those because he HATED going to the dentist and in his mind, he was punishing the dental office because they told him last time, that he wasn't brushing good enough. As soon as we left, my husband revealed that there was no dental visit to be had on this Sunday and we were only going to Lowe's to buy some trees. They were so happy. I, the more evil of the two of us, wasn't going to reveal our dirtly little secret until much later, like when we pulled up at Lowes, but the husband has a soft heart. So we horrible parents and our two children with exceptionally well brushed teeth, walked those white socks and church shoes proudly around the store and shopped, happily together.

All day long, little people have scared the crap out of me every time I walk into another room, leave the house, exit the restroom...they've been hiding and jumping out to scare me and you'd think I'd be on guard but they are very good pranksters.  I have screamed more today than I think I did in cheerleading! Paybacks...

Cheese Balls

My son who is almost 11 can not take his eyes off of this picture of his little sister. He even woke up and said,"show me that picture again!" Just when I thought he was marveling in his sister's adorableness, he said, "Awww, I wish she was little like that again. She was nice back then." He then asked if I bought her those cheese balls, he knew she wanted them but I assured him, she got the cheese balls!