BacK To SKooL ChEckliSt

That's right, it is BACK TO SCHOOL for the kiddos today! What people don't realize is that we who work in the school, have a list too. It might not include pencils and notebooks but we must be sure we are ready for when those doors open! Here's my list:

5.  Swimsuit ready. No I don't need to look good in a swimsuit but it must be clean, laid out and ready for me to put it on immediately when school gets out. The thought of jumping in the water after a long hard day of being Wonder Woman will soothe any first day of school!

4.  Complete preserving. The garden, the vines, the fruit trees were quite plentiful this season. All weekend I have jarred and preserved countless cans of jellies and jams. I put up corn, jarred the last of the tomatoes and we're in good shape for the school year on these items! Nothing like getting home and opening a can of "fresh" garden veggies or "fresh" fruit and being able to feed your family with all its goodness. You know exactly what's in it, and you know where it came from.

3.  Treadmill time. I don't walk mile after mile every week for any other reason than to be able to get where I'm going should I ever be confined to my feet. If my car breaks down three miles from home, I should be able to walk home if needed, and I'm confident I could do that. If 430+ kids, 50 faculty members AND one Principal give chase, I should be able to run away from them. I am confident I can run (a short distance) or at least walk swiftly to the main highway where I would call a friend to pick me up. (Hey, it's hot in Alabama right now, I do need air conditioner)

2.  Bug-out bag. My bug-out bag is in the trunk where it will remain at all times. In the bag is a change of clothes, first aid kit, water/food, and tons of other emergency supplies should the weather change quickly one day, and I get trapped at school with children. Our weather here is such a drama queen. It can be semi-warm, sun shining one day and thirty minutes later people are abandoning cars on the side of the road because an mini ice-age has frozen everything, including our mountain roads.

1.  Coffee & hymns. I love coffee and coffee mugs. I have a stockpile so that I will NOT run out and can travel with my addiction anywhere I need to go. It is imperative that I consume as much of this liquid gold each and every morning before I step foot outside. I also love church hymns. I turn the satellite radio on every morning and hear all the goodness as I prepare for my day. I will refer back to the hymns throughout my day when the phone is ringing off the hook, a child is in my office crying, or a parent is in my office crying, or a teacher is in my office crying....Unclouded Day or Farther Along can get me back to where I need to be!

Okay, I think I'm ready. When you actually work in a school, every single day can be different. There are some things you can't actually prepare for and I know this but I have my top 5 down. I'm ready for backpacks, school buses, fresh haircuts and smiling faces!

What Parents Do When Left Unattended

It is Summer, thank you Lord! It is actually HOT Summer. Which means about mid-day, the teenage boy can be found looking up guitar videos and playing extremely loud electric guitar jumping from one song to the next and we have encouraged his talent. The tween girl can be found lying on her bed playing games on her phone and mom...well, mom just realized I could disappear and nobody would even know it...so I did.

You see, when parents are left unattended, they can sometimes be found in the opposite direction of their kids. I've hid in the bathroom before, I've hid in my room...but today, no today, I hid in the swimming pool.

I quietly tiptoed through the house with my cover-up on hiding the swimsuit so nobody would know that the beach towel in my hand was leading me out the door and eventually to MY chair, my lay-out in the sun lounge chair! I was careful not to creak the door when I slipped unnoticed outside. With only my weight and age slowing me down I sprinted as fast as I could to the backyard water resort discarding the cover-up and towel as I climbed the ladder. I smiled as I jumped in creating refreshing waves which felt cool on my bare back. I looked back at the door and realized, I had done it. Nobody even knew I had left the house.

I cleaned the pool for 20 minutes getting my arm exercises in for the day. Still no one had reported me missing and I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad about that....so I chose happy! I plopped myself up on pink pool float and grabbed up a noodle and some various pool toys, and I tossed them around, dove under to retrieve them, splashed my feet, dodged the darting June bugs and still, I was alone. I laid my head back, pulled my shades down and just floated. I must have been out there a good 45 minutes by now and still, nobody even cared.

As I lied with my eyes shut for a while drifting in and out a dream-like state, I saw a large shadow float over my closed lids. I opened my eyes, tried to focus with the noon sun blaring down on me, and there were four huge buzzards flying high over me. I realized I must have looked like a white floating corpse so I moved around, dove under the water, and just swam around in the water for a while, in the quiet country breeze.

After I had swam for well over an hour, my fingertips were wrinkled and I decided to dry out in my chair. Feeling very accomplished for my actions I picked up my phone, took a selfie to say "yep, I did that!" I was eventually found when the children needed something (didn't need me, just something). Not bad for somebody who found herself being left unattended! They should leave me alone more often!

The Chart of Emotions

You learn a lot when cleaning out your son's room. It's like sitting in a dark smelly room of history. One of the first things I found was a half coke bottle in a bag full of empty knife boxes where we had been to the Smokey Mtns 6 weeks ago!! HISTORY. I waited until he left before I attempted the overwhelming task of ridding the room of pure garbage. You see, he's almost a full-blown hoarder. He finds purpose in keeping trash....he might need the used bottle of water. I mean what if the room caught on fire and he needed to put it out quickly right?


As I walk around with my garbage sack, filling it full of unmentionables, untouchables, etc., I see something under his chest of drawers that catches my eye. It was a laminated school project I had never seen before...apparently from 7th grade (he's in 8th). At first, I smile at his chart of ...whatever. Apparently his math teacher made them draw out, and graph things in their past, both good and bad. If you look at the scoring system, the positives are in the first quadrant where the numbers are also positives. The lower end show things he didn't like...

As you may or not be able to tell, getting his Xbox, a phone, etc, ranked waaay up there while a first grade paddling, dead dog, etc, was way at the bottom. Understandable. But take a closer look...

If you look just above the neighbor dying and just below Grounded Forever....you'll see that I made his chart...terribly singing Mama???? How did that happen? And did I mention......THIS IS LAMINATED!!! Thanks guy, I appreciate it. The only thing worse than my singing is death and he'd rather be grounded forever than listen to me sing.

Imma Belieber

We climbed stairs to reach the Upper Level of the huge Arena. This is what we have been waiting for. She asked to see my tickets and when I showed them to her, she pointed to the ceiling and said, "just keep goin' up." The seat in front of me had an A on it and with a quick glance at my ticket, I knew we were in trouble. Yellow crime tape that said Do Not Cross ran beside the small partial railing all four of us were white knuckling and the four of us kept saying, "Don't look down. DO NOT TOUCH ME!! Why are these steps so small?" We finally made it to the ceiling back and only one row sat higher than we did. We took our seats carefully and stared at each other knowing we would sit there for hours, without movement or breathing, and I was okay with that. We had to keep STILL. We put the kids on a no-liquid diet so their bladders would hold up all night because every time I looked around, I got dizzy...we were that high!

It took the full 45 minutes to catch my breath, but when the lights finally dimmed and the music came on...I still knew I was technically a hundred feet in the air and if everyone didn't stop yelling and jumping around this concrete slab would collapse and we would all die in a mass grave of dust, heavy pillars and blue plastic seats...

But they started the timer.....I looked up and it was counting down 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 minutes 4...until Justin Beiber will walk in the door!!! Girls were screaming non-words anytime someone moved behind the stage because they thought it was him, or someone that knew him, or someone that has seen him with their own eyeballs. I yawned and updated my Facebook status and wondered why I could still smell the Circus...they hadn't been here since last year...

When they finally reached the last few seconds...people went nuts! My child was screaming and looking around because she was about to be in the same room with him...but he didn't walk in...

...he flew in on huge silver wings made of guitars and other musical instruments, and they all screamed LOUDER. It was the craziest thing I've ever heard. He sang, he danced, he performed and everyone just screamed. A chair arose from the middle of the stage we all knew he was about to pick One Girl. He asked, "Who is gonna be my baby?" The arena exploded with crying girls wanting that prized position and as we sat near the ceiling my child started yelling, "Justin!!! Justin!!" But he didn't see her...

It was an amazing show and I honestly can say I'd love to go see him again sometime when I get three more jobs to pay for the tickets. I am likely the meanest mama in the world because after arriving back home just before 1 a.m., I woke her up at 7 a.m. for school...and this is all she had left to give...

We have finally recovered from our Bieber hangovers. This will be a night she will NEVER FORGET, EVER EVER EVER...

Just Kill Me!!

"Oh, let's go ride that," someone said as we walked up to the very first ride at an amusement park we drove to ANOTHER STATE for...

It looked quite harmless, some frowning green fish were slowly dragging to a complete stop where happy riders were exiting swiftly to move on to their next adventure. We chatted with interest as we eagerly boarded two by two per fish. My sister and her child were just fins away and my mother had my daughter safely strapped in while my son sat next to me. Impatience set in as other riders couldn't make up their minds which fish to board. Soon everyone was buckled and we watched the ride attendant pull the lever to start the ride.

With a loud hiss of warning shooting through our ears, wind began to part my hair as we slowly began to move. I looked around and tried to smile at my other family but concern constricted my face as the speed of this ride increased rather quickly. Within seconds, my grip got so tight on the bar in front of me I could have snapped a finger off at the knuckle and never known because all of the blood was being sent straight to my heart, to keep it pumping even at the rapid and dangerous level this ride had increased its rate to. As we closed in on the first twenty-five seconds of the ride, my eyes closed tightly as my spit glands began to fill in preparation to spill anything left in my stomach. I could hear someone yelling, "KILL ME!!!! JUST KILL ME NOW!! SHUT THIS DOWN!!!" I realized it was my own child and though I couldn't open my eyes that were buried at least two inches into my skull at this point, I reach over and feel his hand that was on the bar. "MAMA, WE ARE UP HIGH, WE ARE UP IN THE AIR. KILL ME!!"

I tried to rub my little boy's hand the best I could but there was no way I could let go of the grip I had on this bar, "Just close your eyes son. Just close your eyes. The Lord is gonna get us through this. He will, just close your eyes." My face has contorted at this point as I feel like I've fallen twelve stories and then jerked sideways and back up again. I hear other people screaming and I squeeze my eyes tighter to keep them from popping out of my head. I hear a loud familiar voice as we seem to be moving faster and faster, "Jesus help us please! Help us Jesus please!" It was my voice and I know that I had to be screaming very loud and I don't have a clue how many people are being entertained by my twisted face and the Worship Service I'm trying to have because again, my jaws are holding back the saliva that is triggered when you feel like vomit is not far behind. My body feels sideways and every single muscle I own is constricted to keep me from flying out into the parking lot.

After about three minutes of this horror, I hear the sound of the motor start to quieten a little and I knew it wouldn't be long before this machine started to slow down. I could feel my body moving around in circles and lowering down at the same time. When my son could speak in his normal voice, I knew it was safe to open my eyes. We were almost at a complete stop by then and I started "the laugh". I looked around at my family and we all began to laugh with that crazed hysteria that I found comfort in, knowing they too had just survived the same terror I had.

We all unbuckled and quickly walked away from the ride and stood under a tree. There, we wiped tears from our eyes with shaky hands as we quickly made an adult pact to NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EVER EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN. The kids were horrified but in hilarity rather than horror....and that was just the beginning of our amusement park fun for this weekend...

But on a lighter note, we got in a great workout. My arms, my buttocks and stomach are all so sore! I mean I was clamped up in that seat so tight, the only thing moving was my voice in a panic scream.

The Break In

It's just after 4 a.m. I heard some ladies talking in kitchen but it was hard to hear over my sleep machine which was pouring nothing but waterfalls throughout my bedroom. It must be a break-in. I saw blue tinted beams coming from flashlights. I hopped to my feet and opened my bedroom door a little wider...I had not an ounce of fear.

I saw what appeared to be a small monkey drop down from the cabinets and I realize it wasn't ladies at all but the eleven year old boys that had been camping in my yard. They were starving, and they had found food. I say, "Hey! It's four in the morning. What are y'all doing?" Together they replied in voices too loud for this hour, "We were hungry, we had to get something to eat." One said, "Hey Mama, ......" I quickly shushed the child and assure him I have no desire to get into a long drawn out story until the coffee has brewed but I made sure they had eaten enough.

Soon, one kid was scarfing down a set of Pop Tarts and didn't look near as crazy as my little guy who was drinking a bowl of cereal (who knows?). I go get dressed for the day, get my glasses so I can see and get the coffee going before I even sit down to talk to them, because I have my priorities.

When I sat down in the living room only lit by the History Channel's glow from the television screen, I asked how they slept. "We've been up for 24 hrs straight nearly!!!" Then the Pop Tart kid says to me, "I napped some when he was talking, he never knew I fell asleep." But apparently my child did NOT sleep at all and he looks at me through the tiny slits of his eyes which appear to be held open only by toothpicks, "I didn't. But I'm WIDE awake."

I told the insomniacs that they needed to lie back in those recliners, and take a little nap, even if it was for only an hour or so and believe it or not, that is what they are doing. My child's toothpicks fell out and his eyes are shut and the other one may soon drift off for a while too. I told them I'd cook a big breakfast around 7 or 8 if they took a good nap. But I have to say, they sure have had fun. They've sat by the campfire, they've talked and scared each other in the tent, and sat by the fire some more until they finally came in to watch TV. Fun times. Good thing I actually like to wake at 4 in the morning! lol

Sitting with the devil

I'm not sure why I showed up for the Kindergarten Orientation yesterday...but something told me I needed to wear a bra and make-up. Thankfully, I did both because just moments before it started, I was told I needed to stand and speak. You gotta love those friends that throw you out in front of moving train but I couldn't say no to their adorable faces...no wait, I did say no, and they shoved me anyway...I might put them on my watch list!!

Anyway, I was gone for most of the day, I bought groceries, ran errands but everything seemed okay when I returned home. The husband left for work and we got ready for church.

I didn't have a clue the kids were intoxicated with sugar and caffeine until we sat down on the quiet pew. Giggles erupted from them both for no apparent reason other than they have completely went nuts and laughter soon went viral. I knew I had to keep the kids quiet so I looked around at my prey options.

There he sat, alone. It was the Devil. Well, he played the Devil in our Christmas play and I knew he would be perfect! I took child number one by the hand and told him he was to sit by the Devil man until service was over. The child lucked up because a cute little girl sat next to him from his Sunday School class so he HAD to be on his best behavior! Looking forward to being with the children all day so I can control what goes in their bodies! I can guarantee it won't be chocolate and caffeine!

I Need a Sub Syndrome

Dear Teachers,

I am currently open for booking substitute teaching jobs for August 21...the second day of school. I know you all show up with so much enthusiasm the first day, which is August 20...a few days away...but it doesn't take long before reality sets in...you are responsible for putting ALL THAT INFORMATION into their heads in just a few months.

Usually the first symptom of I Need a Sub Syndrome is diarrhea. This can usually start the morning of the first day but over that course of a 24 hr period, nausea sets in followed by the sweaty shakes, shallow breathing and finally tears. Some teachers develop hives and thoughts of I wanna go back to the beach overtake their daily activities. Both children and teachers cry for their mommies but somehow they all push through to make it until the end of the day.

Exhausted, both teachers and students pass out at eight o'clock that first night. Teachers however, being much older, often wake with that first day of school hangover unlike the children. The amount of caffeine they've poured into their bodies to get them through the first day would kill a horse. The kids wake fully refreshed, ready to go back and see their friends and teachers they already love. The poor teachers wake only when the alarm clock forces them to and they angrily slam their hand down to turn it off, or break it, which ever comes first. Heads hurt and bodies ache. Their furrowed brows lead them to the coffee pot and the sweet sound of percolating joe gives them enough energy to turn on the shower. They hop in, they hop out, the coffee is ready, and they are happy. This begins their long dependency on those dark grounded beans but this makes them happy, pretty and nice.

Some teachers never make it to the coffee pot. This is where I come in. So book me now teachers. If you feel like I Need a Sub Syndrome will not fade after that first day, give me a call. I go to bed at eight anyway, and my brows always lead me to the coffee pot each morning. Coffee makes me pretty, happy and nice, too.

One Brick Shy

It only took like eight hours...but One Brick Shy the book is now available. Stories like The Waterslide, Journey to The Gym and lots of quotes from the children are all in one eBook. It's only $2.29 and it may not be absolutely perfect, but it was great practice. I have a much larger one coming out really soon, and I wanted to practice with the formatting and all to see how difficult it would be. It's all on The Country Sky blog right now...
or click the button below to visit my bookstore.

My Tattoo

Yes, I got a tattoo...but more on that later!

Today, we went to a local water park with our church and had a ball. I'm currently in my PJs drinking chocolate milk and waiting until at least sunset before I collapse for the night...if I actually get to sleep. You see, there's this thing...with my back. Oh, I'm not injured...how do I put it?

I guess I should have known something was wrong when every time I walked toward someone their lower jaw fell downward pulling their upper and lower eyelids as far apart as they could go. Some were compassionate enough to say, "Oh, you are red!!" But they were wrong. I'm not so much red...I'd say I'm half past magenta or a deep, dark firebrick...which is at least three stages past red. Oh yea! And I was wearing 50 SPF. Apparently it wasn't the best at being waterproof...now ya tell me, as I sit shivering in my recliner trying to keep my skin from actually boiling. It hurts.

And that's not the best part! I told you how people reacted as I walked toward them, now let me tell you what happened as I walked past people. I knew I was burned, I felt it. Strangers tried to look away but after I would pass, chuckles were emitting from all directions. Wow, they sure are having a good time, I thought. But as the day went on, I noticed it was every time I walked past someone. Finally, someone from my group pulled me aside and said, "Um, well, you have a hand print on your back,"(after they had laughed hysterically). That's right, the little girl who will remain nameless, that nearly gagged when I asked to rub lotion on my back, didn't do so hot (where is all the good free help these days)!! Apparently, I have a new tattoo!

But the way I look at it, surely it embarrassed her enough to be seen with the lady with hand tattoo on her back, that she'll do better next time. Let's hope so. Hopefully, I'll be able to wear a bra in a few days (yikes) and my second degree burns will heal quickly.

Old Lady Shoes

I put on my comfortable shoes...which translates as my old lady clodhoppers. I knew we would be outnumbered but if I didn't show up, they'd all call me chicken.

I pulled up, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the car and presented myself as excited, brave, and ready. Little did they all know, I was worried sick. What if somebody pukes, or poops or runs away? That's a lot of pressure for someone in old lady shoes. I am immediately greeted by kids of all sizes and scramble to find everyone a name tag...because otherwise, they'll all have to go by Hey, or Orange Shirt, or Sweetheart. This way, I can at least mispronounce their names! What happened to the days when everyone was named Johnny, Jimmy, Betty or Linda? But no, now everyone has to be special and unique. That makes it hard on the ones wearing old lady shoes.

As I'm placing a name tag around little Chloe, or was it Ashlyn...I look up and there she was. I watched her move across the parking lot and I hoped she was heading my way. We made eye contact and her perfectly white teeth smiled in my direction. My prayers had been answered. The elementary school teacher was in my group. As children ran around us like they'd been filled with Red Bull and chocolate, she confirmed she was there to do everything for us help our group. A visible sigh of relief came across my face and I awaited my orders.

Soon, children that were as tall as my left knee formed a line. She told me to march and I did just that without question. Kids that were screaming, quietened down and all she had to do was tell them they were going to march and listen. I'm pretty sure I could have told them the same thing and they would have marched in the opposite direction and listened to each other scream louder, but they did as told, for her. I had myself a winner here.

The kids all did great. They sang, they played, they crafted, they listened and learned. No children were lost or harmed during VBS at my church. Mamas carried babies, teachers taught lessons, singers taught songs, and I wore old lady shoes.

I slept so good last night, thanks to those toddlers on Red Bull and chocolate. I love them all, and I'm so happy they had a good time. Their little smiling faces and fast feet will remain in my mind forever.

Spun

I must be insane and many of you will agree but I showed up for spin class at five this morning. I had secretly hoped my stomach would still ache like it did yesterday but I awoke without one single pain, darn. I swiped on some deodorant even though I'd smell like a hog farm when it was over and laced up my shoes and was on my merry way.

Once I arrived, I was glad to see bright and smiling faces this early in the morning, many I haven't seen since I quit showing up at the gym six months ago, it made me happy. I walked in the class as if I hadn't put on ten pounds and like I was some kinda die-hard spinner. The music began, and I spun.

My biggest concern was how sore my tail would be after we walked out of here. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, it reminds me of church. I pray. I ask for strength. I look around and it's every man for himself, we get out-what we put in. Yeah, kinda like church.

I reached for my towel as sweat began to drip and I realized only sixty seconds had passed...this was gonna be a long ride. I went up and down, spun fast and slow, went up hills and flew down them...and never left that room. I started wishing that I'd given someone my home phone number in case I passed out, but it was too late. Sweat was flying.

By the end of class, as we slowed down to cool off, I looked around my bike. I saw a BBQ potato chip, three salted peanuts and two glasses of Dr. Pepper. I was almost disappointed that with all that work and this is all that I had burned off my body until I saw that big pot of meanness. I felt much better and was so glad I went. No more stress and it felt good to have burned a few calories. It's good to start your day off right and now I'll think twice before I pick up a chip, drink two glasses of Dr. Pepper or a handful of peanuts.

Oh, and I apologize to the extreme man-cyclist behind me. Sorry you had to see "all this"...it's a work-in-progress.

The Redneck Chronicles

In our efforts to advance further in the transition to rednecks, we (meaning my husband) has jacked up our jeep.

 All the local dogs come hang out at our house...

 ...and the kids' primary source of transportation is the 4 wheeler



Like Spiderman

I walked in hoping to go unnoticed. Accidentally making eye contact with two instructors while trying to quickly sign my child up for a Fit Kit camp, I suddenly felt as if I were under a spot light. Heat filled my shameful face as they each approached me at different times. I tried to fill one with excuses but she only looked at me as if I had thoroughly disgusted her. The other walked up wearing her three kids so there goes the excuse of "oh sorry I haven't been in like a year but my kids are out of school..." Darn.

I walked to my car before I got bullied into some heart pumping aerobic class and made my way to Wal Mart for groceries. Whew, I was home free. I felt liberated as I conquered that major task at the gym without major complications. I was smiling and minding my own business when I turned the corner and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN...the instructor I had just disgusted down at the gym. Is she like Spiderman or something? I smiled confidently since she had not caught me on the snack aisle and strutted past as if I were glad to see her again.

Milk, cheese, darn I had forgot toilet cleaner...back I go a few aisles and BAM! There she is again. I accidentally roll my eyes this time and the thought of her stalking me crossed my mind. I quickly stroll my buggy way across the store only to find her there too, snarling with venom dripping from her fang. How is this woman doing this?

My stomach turned. I quickly threw some stuff in my cart as if a snow storm is about to hit, and I still needed bread! Right as I'm about be in the clear, I hear a low growl from around the corner and I swear I hopped over three aisles as if I were a gold medalist in the Summer Olympics. I had to get away. I knew that I had not got apples but there was no way, I'd allow the predator to get her prey by risking life and limb for something that grows freely in my yard anyway. It was really a close call today, but I do believe I might need to get back to the gym...if for no other reason but to shop peacefully!

Kinda like this...

Our Summer has been, kinda like this...

They've lost it...

You know that feeling when you leave the house of what did I forget?? Happens to everyone right? Well it didn't take me but a few miles before I realized what I didn't have...and that's high doses of anxiety medication!

What a day. The kids had to be separated right away. No surprise. Before we even got through the first town, I had to lay down the law.

"Look," I said. "You two will lose 4 wheelers, then you will lose your outside privileges and then it'll be a nice long nap for you if we can't all get along. Don't even look at each other."

I tried everything to distract them and finally, peace. The girl played quietly with Legos while the boy amused himself by staring at people as we drove past them. My luck was changing. Then, I noticed that we had a stalker. You know the weird guy that drives right beside you and never wants to pass or slow down, just ride along side you but you're too stubborn to look over kinda stalker. I thought I heard something which finally made me turn to look and see what the creep wanted only to find one of our favorite family friends laughing at us. Yes, we probably annoyed the traffic behind us as we chatted with our windows down for a mile or so but it was good to see "Old Man Clem". The rain had stopped pouring literally outside and the kids had calmed (just before the storm!)

We got to our appointment at The HEAR Center where #1 had to get his ears worked on. I thought he could play nice with the Legos while he got his ears tuned up...but I was wrong.

He instead made a toilet (ahem, yes I see what's inside) and before he was finished, yes, the Legos got taken away from him...by his Audiologist. Not for his special design but for the fact he just quit participating in the proper activity and decided to horseplay with the sister. The kids had just gone nuts by this point. They DID NOT earn a prize (again) and let's just say...ahh, nap time is wonderful. The only thing that got me through the horror was knowing that they've been worse....sad but true. We've been through worse and I'm lucky we have such a wonderful Audiologist that can get us MAPped and get us out of there quickly. (I wonder what she says to herself to get her through a Blakely appointment? "They'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon....")

Just wasn't our best trip. This was our first big outing though since we've been out of school so it's hard to say if they've lost it completely yet. Only time will tell. I'm hoping the energy isn't this high on Friday when I'm trapped in driving a van for six hours with not only them but another wild child plus two more adults. As we walked out of the door the Audiologist whispered demonic-like "Good luck Friday."

But in their defense, the removal of activities and the addition of a nap (aka rest time) has really improved their behavior-they are usually pretty darn good at home-and like I told them...Mommy could develop a Social Phobia where we never go anywhere if they misbehave every time we leave the house...which means no Wal Mart, no thrift stores, no beach!

Summer Vocab Begins....Now

Mid-day today, my children will begin their summer break from school. With this break brings new and old vocabulary most often heard during this time spent together...as a family...all...summer...long. I've composed a short list of things I'm likely to say, and things that will likely come through the mouths of my growing babies...

Me

• Get that frog OUT OF HERE!!
• Check for ticks
• Does it need stitches?
• Watch for snakes!!
• Put that down!! Ewww!
• I'm not too old to do a cartwheel!!
• Ouch, I'm too old to do cartwheels
• Get that out of my house!!!
• Go get my camera!!
• I'll put it Facebook
• Run along now
• Go find Mama some chocolate
• Everyone is on SILENCE!!
• Does everyone have on shoes?

Kids

• We're out of popsicles
• I'm bored
• I'm goin' swimmin'
• Look Mama, twelve frogs
• Let's go fishin'
• He hit me
• She hit me
• Snake!!!
• I'm runnin' away and NEVER EVER EVER comin' back
• I'm hungry
• Can we stay up late?
• If we be good, can we _____

...and the list goes on and on and on...looking forward to all the summer time fun!!

Because I'm 37

Last night, as I sat watching for the sun to go down which gives me permission to go to bed, I wondered what it would be like to be 36 again. I've been 37 for a whole 20 days now and I have no idea what it would be like to be younger again. As I scrolled through the the TV channels I saw American Idol was on... so I took a chance and stopped. I used to watch the show religiously just a few short years ago but because I'm 37, I had to turn it within the first five minutes. I shivered in my disappointment both in myself for not being able to take it and in the show itself for just not appealing to me anymore, and because I'm 37, I immediately switched it to Swamp People....ahhh, much better.

I used to watch shows like Big Brother, Jersey Shore, Amazing Race, The Bachelor, etc etc. Now, I barely even watch TV, I'd rather listen to the music channels (and yes, Gospel and Bluegrass rank as high as Old Skool Rap these days!) Because I'm 37, I dislike most of the songs played on the radio. It's not cute to curse, it's not cute to talk nasty, and most of the music is just bad and I know I've reached that point in my life where I'm my mother and there's probably no going back.

I've also realized recently that I don't have time for a lot of things...3 loads of laundry a day, cooking every single day, etc. but I'm not really THAT much busier. I'm guessing it's because I'm 37, it just takes me longer to do normal activities so I don't have time to do all that I did when I was younger! Now I spend a lot of my time backtracking. Re-entering rooms to try and remember why I went there in the first place. A lot of rethinking, now what is it I was supposed to tell my husband...

Last year I did a post (click here for The Digit) about turning 36 and when I went back and read it, I have so many more ailments to add! My mother bought me some Nair for my beard and mustache so I'm good with that, but let me add some things to my Digit List...

• at 36 I started paying my children to do more around the house, they need things like 36 flashlights and notebooks for baby dolls so I no longer buy toys and things except as gifts, they have to purchase these things by cleaning my house...Because I'm old, lazy and tired.
• at 37 my hip has started hurting. I'm assuming it's all the cartwheels and cheerleading jumps I did when I was 36 trying to prove that I was still young...but because I'm 37, I realize how stupid I was at 36. Now I realize my age, and will consider the consequence of replacement surgeries for all of the joints I put at risk when I do stupid things.

Anyway, it's been a great 20 days so far, and if I make it 345 more til I turn 38, I'll be a lucky and Blessed Old Lady! And I would like to thank the little boy in the 8th grade class I substituted in this week that tried to guess my age (VERY DANGEROUS GAME) and called out 29.....I guess at age 14 that seems very old.

Going to the Dentist (on a Sunday)

So I normally trick the kids on April Fool's Day in some way...last year, I packed my son's lunch in his sister's bright pink camo lunch box with a note saying "Happy April Fool's Day", put it away in his backpack, and he had no idea until he pulled it out of his bag at school! It was awesome and I was very proud of myself...

This year, April Fool's Day fell on a Sunday and though we don't normally skip church, we had something very special planned for this day which also happens to be my birthday! With evil thoughts running in my head of what can I get away with this year...I took my ideas to my husband. We plotted and schemed and finally agreed to lie to convince the children that they were in fact going to the dentist today. Oh the horrors...

They begged, "No, please don't make us go today, we'll go later on a different dayyyyyy, pleeaazzze!" But we told them to clean up, brush their hair, scrub their teeth until their gums bleed and put on some shoes, we were LEAVING.

My oldest child decided he would wear a green t-shirt, blue shorts, white socks and church shoes. Hmmm. "You can't wear those church shoes with shorts and certainly not with white socks!!" I asked the child to go back and put on his tennis shoes but he was stubborn said he was deliberately wearing those because he HATED going to the dentist and in his mind, he was punishing the dental office because they told him last time, that he wasn't brushing good enough. As soon as we left, my husband revealed that there was no dental visit to be had on this Sunday and we were only going to Lowe's to buy some trees. They were so happy. I, the more evil of the two of us, wasn't going to reveal our dirtly little secret until much later, like when we pulled up at Lowes, but the husband has a soft heart. So we horrible parents and our two children with exceptionally well brushed teeth, walked those white socks and church shoes proudly around the store and shopped, happily together.

All day long, little people have scared the crap out of me every time I walk into another room, leave the house, exit the restroom...they've been hiding and jumping out to scare me and you'd think I'd be on guard but they are very good pranksters.  I have screamed more today than I think I did in cheerleading! Paybacks...

Cheese Balls

My son who is almost 11 can not take his eyes off of this picture of his little sister. He even woke up and said,"show me that picture again!" Just when I thought he was marveling in his sister's adorableness, he said, "Awww, I wish she was little like that again. She was nice back then." He then asked if I bought her those cheese balls, he knew she wanted them but I assured him, she got the cheese balls!