Because I'm 37

Last night, as I sat watching for the sun to go down which gives me permission to go to bed, I wondered what it would be like to be 36 again. I've been 37 for a whole 20 days now and I have no idea what it would be like to be younger again. As I scrolled through the the TV channels I saw American Idol was on... so I took a chance and stopped. I used to watch the show religiously just a few short years ago but because I'm 37, I had to turn it within the first five minutes. I shivered in my disappointment both in myself for not being able to take it and in the show itself for just not appealing to me anymore, and because I'm 37, I immediately switched it to Swamp People....ahhh, much better.

I used to watch shows like Big Brother, Jersey Shore, Amazing Race, The Bachelor, etc etc. Now, I barely even watch TV, I'd rather listen to the music channels (and yes, Gospel and Bluegrass rank as high as Old Skool Rap these days!) Because I'm 37, I dislike most of the songs played on the radio. It's not cute to curse, it's not cute to talk nasty, and most of the music is just bad and I know I've reached that point in my life where I'm my mother and there's probably no going back.

I've also realized recently that I don't have time for a lot of things...3 loads of laundry a day, cooking every single day, etc. but I'm not really THAT much busier. I'm guessing it's because I'm 37, it just takes me longer to do normal activities so I don't have time to do all that I did when I was younger! Now I spend a lot of my time backtracking. Re-entering rooms to try and remember why I went there in the first place. A lot of rethinking, now what is it I was supposed to tell my husband...

Last year I did a post (click here for The Digit) about turning 36 and when I went back and read it, I have so many more ailments to add! My mother bought me some Nair for my beard and mustache so I'm good with that, but let me add some things to my Digit List...

• at 36 I started paying my children to do more around the house, they need things like 36 flashlights and notebooks for baby dolls so I no longer buy toys and things except as gifts, they have to purchase these things by cleaning my house...Because I'm old, lazy and tired.
• at 37 my hip has started hurting. I'm assuming it's all the cartwheels and cheerleading jumps I did when I was 36 trying to prove that I was still young...but because I'm 37, I realize how stupid I was at 36. Now I realize my age, and will consider the consequence of replacement surgeries for all of the joints I put at risk when I do stupid things.

Anyway, it's been a great 20 days so far, and if I make it 345 more til I turn 38, I'll be a lucky and Blessed Old Lady! And I would like to thank the little boy in the 8th grade class I substituted in this week that tried to guess my age (VERY DANGEROUS GAME) and called out 29.....I guess at age 14 that seems very old.

Going to the Dentist (on a Sunday)

So I normally trick the kids on April Fool's Day in some way...last year, I packed my son's lunch in his sister's bright pink camo lunch box with a note saying "Happy April Fool's Day", put it away in his backpack, and he had no idea until he pulled it out of his bag at school! It was awesome and I was very proud of myself...

This year, April Fool's Day fell on a Sunday and though we don't normally skip church, we had something very special planned for this day which also happens to be my birthday! With evil thoughts running in my head of what can I get away with this year...I took my ideas to my husband. We plotted and schemed and finally agreed to lie to convince the children that they were in fact going to the dentist today. Oh the horrors...

They begged, "No, please don't make us go today, we'll go later on a different dayyyyyy, pleeaazzze!" But we told them to clean up, brush their hair, scrub their teeth until their gums bleed and put on some shoes, we were LEAVING.

My oldest child decided he would wear a green t-shirt, blue shorts, white socks and church shoes. Hmmm. "You can't wear those church shoes with shorts and certainly not with white socks!!" I asked the child to go back and put on his tennis shoes but he was stubborn said he was deliberately wearing those because he HATED going to the dentist and in his mind, he was punishing the dental office because they told him last time, that he wasn't brushing good enough. As soon as we left, my husband revealed that there was no dental visit to be had on this Sunday and we were only going to Lowe's to buy some trees. They were so happy. I, the more evil of the two of us, wasn't going to reveal our dirtly little secret until much later, like when we pulled up at Lowes, but the husband has a soft heart. So we horrible parents and our two children with exceptionally well brushed teeth, walked those white socks and church shoes proudly around the store and shopped, happily together.

All day long, little people have scared the crap out of me every time I walk into another room, leave the house, exit the restroom...they've been hiding and jumping out to scare me and you'd think I'd be on guard but they are very good pranksters.  I have screamed more today than I think I did in cheerleading! Paybacks...

Cheese Balls

My son who is almost 11 can not take his eyes off of this picture of his little sister. He even woke up and said,"show me that picture again!" Just when I thought he was marveling in his sister's adorableness, he said, "Awww, I wish she was little like that again. She was nice back then." He then asked if I bought her those cheese balls, he knew she wanted them but I assured him, she got the cheese balls!

Hip Hoppin'

I showed up yesterday to take my sister's aerobics class down at The Gym. Being such a pretty Sunday afternoon the class was small, very small but she taught it anyway. She was previewing her cd and I heard some Metallica mixed with Lady Gaga, I heard Nirvana mixed with...something-it sounded like Rockin' Robin, but not in a horrible way, it was actually kinda good. I started to get a burst of energy just from the music so I gave her a few shouts out to get the party started and soon we were movin'. We hopped, we stepped, we lunged, we were burning some calories.

She had us use our weights during intervals and I was sure that the "old lady" weights I had picked up would feel like 20 lbs in a matter of minutes, and I was right. After a few minutes, the music really got good! I heard Nelly which made me want to go grab a band-aid and stick it under my eye because everyone knows, I love me some Nelly. And besides, band aids are much more accessible to me than the platinum gillz.

Next thing I know, I'm doing the snake, the smurf, the butterfly, all kinds of old skool dancin' and so were the other girls. We'd watch the window to make sure no one was there and then we'd break loose, it was very comical but fun at the same time. At one point, she played the song by Eazy E and Johnny Cash, and it was on...


As soon as the window was clear, I really broke down! I mean all of us were "tearin' it up!" ... and it happened. We got caught! Hilarious! A girl was going to get some water at the water fountain and she quickly darted into the bathroom where she probably burst out laughing. Soon after, as expected, several other girls came out to "get water" and it finally got to the point where we JUST DIDN'T CARE anymore. But oh, what fun we had on Hip Hop Sunday!! If we ever do it again, I can almost guarantee you those girls that were watching, will be in there with us! We got quite the workout, burned lots of calories, did weights a good bit and then abs to close out the class. Do you know how many crunches you can do in five minutes? I was about to die. I thought for sure my Cesarean Section scar would pop back open before we finished! Good times at The Gym yesterday, good times.

Continuing Education

We strive to nurture and expand our children's education outside of the school doors. Today, we work on Home-Ec...

We may be looking to bring in tutors to teach them how to cook...

Toys R Us

My last outing with the kids in Birmingham...alone...with THEM was a little hectic with appointments and this that and the other...I even looked over once and saw the kids giggling to the man next to us at the red light...the man was giggling too (weird) so I lifted up the dry erase board and found this...

Could have been worse! Who knows how long they'd been holding that up as I drove along, singing/dancing and all along they are drawing lots of attention our way....gotta love 'em. This was a fun trip, we only had shopping to do...and lunch to eat. No appointments, except with Toys 'R Us and we had a great trip!!

 We bought Legos...

We ate at my brother and sister-in-laws' restaurant Brother Zeke's and it was fabulous! The corn bread muffins, the sweet potato fries and the squash caserole....I barely had room for the chicken but it was so yummy. They opened this new restaurant up a while back but we've never made it down until yesterday and mannnnnn, I wanna go back. One kid cleaned her plate and EVEN ATE THE BREAD. She doesn't eat bread! One kid took a to-go box home with him and will polish off his bbq stuffed potato today!

We stopped off at a Christian book store and bought some needful things and made it home in time for me to fall out (and doze off) on the sofa...I heard my husband's car door shut and I jumped up, wiped my eyes and pretended to have busy all along. He never knew I was asleep!

The Oscars

Here are a few pictures from our Valentines Banquet (for church) titled appropriately Night at The Oscars....So many celebs showed up from Tim McGraw, Hee Haw Gossipers, Ryan Seacrest, the Chipettes, The Supremes, Loretta Lynn.......too many to name!

They are so much fun-nutty-but fun!!! We had a great time!

Ready to Pass Out

I was absolutely ready to pass out last night. I've been taking sinus/allergy meds for several days now and they always make me sleepy anyway but on top of that, Brooklyn had her little cousin sleep over and keeping up with three kids just wore me out...even though they were "perfect" little angels.

I did approximately 9 loads of laundry yesterday, I washed sheets, blankets, comforters, throw rugs, you name it! By the time 7 o'clock bedtime rolled around, I was whipped. I crawled into my fresh, clean, deliciously smelling bed. Snuggled down and got warm, and immediately my entire body simply relaxed and I could feel myself drifting out of this world. I heard a distance and faint call from a child, "Mama." I had just put the child to bed. I'd fed her, made her brush her teeth, use the bathroom, got a sip of water, sat in the bed with her and tickle-scratched her arms til her eyes rolled back in her head. I mean what more can a child need? So I ignored her.

Ahh, I almost felt weightless as I breathed in deeply and smiled at the thought of the upcoming rest. Again I hear, "Mama." I began to get a little irritated because she's beginning to make this a habit...calling me back to tell me something like "We're having pizza at school tomorrow" or something of the like when I am already so comfy in my bed. After being rudely interrupted again, I try to visit back to that relaxing happy place I call my nightly coma when I hear a final, elevated "Mama."

Whew. I exhaled with defeat and flip the covers back and drag myself away from my most favorite, warm spot and go see what this child wants. With no glasses to see with, I squint my eyes from her bedroom door and ask, "What?" She points to her Justin Bieber poster and says, "That's a watch he's wearing."

Perfect.

We've Reached That Point

Irritated, I ransack the dryer for that final sock. Nothing was left but a couple of washcloths and a towel.  I look at the sock basket. The one piled high with socks because it shreds my nerves I'm too lazy to sort through them. I find one similar but not the same. For me or the kids, similar would work just fine but not for the husband, so look at the neat stacks I've already folded and I notice something. In my son's stack, I see a pair of socks that look almost the same, but something is a little different. Oh yeah! One has a gray bottom, the other is just white. There's my final sock. I hold the two socks up and I almost tear up. We've reached that point. Our children are big enough that I can't tell what is mine from my daughter's or my son's from my husband's. It's a sad, sad, day.

Driving to school one day, my son's friend (a classmate that carpools with us) got out her phone and was turning it off as we pulled in the parking lot. My child says, "Gyah, Mama won't let me have a phone til I get to seventh grade!" I tell him that he doesn't even talk on the phone....ever, so all he would use it for is texting and I'll get him one when he leaves the comforts of the elementary school, and heads over the scary high school. I am the ridiculous mother...we've reached that point.

The two kids that used to run around the yard together (all day long), collect worms and frogs just to freak me out and play in the tree house together, now can't play peacefully together for more than fifteen minutes. She's still into her dolls and playing school while he's hunting with a B B gun and looking for firewood. Unfortunately, we've reached that point.

I'm just looking to come out of this alive and with all my limbs. I may have to donate some brain cells as I lose everything from common sense to data that used to be important like my age, weight, and birthday.

A Slider

A child woke before me this morning. That doesn't work for me, so I waited. I could see his flashlight shining through the living room but waited. I heard the bathroom door shut. WHEW! Hopefully he'd go right back to bed during this five o'clock hour. I heard the door open and I held my breath. Not sure why, it's not like he'd know I wanted him to go back to bed and sleep for two hours so I could have time to myself, he thought we were all still asleep. But I saw the flashlight again, and then heard a quick pounce as he jumped into the air like a flying squirrel and landed on his mattress. And I waited.

It only took a couple of minutes before I realized I too needed the bathroom. Did I drink a gallon of water before bed? I couldn't wait any longer but how would I get past his open door without him seeing me? I walked without fear through the living room and then paused in the kitchen near his door. I saw his hearing devices on the counter so I knew he couldn't hear me, but he would see my shadow as I passed between the kitchen night-light and his room unless, of course, I crawled. That's exactly what I did and I discovered the best thing ever! How to do a slider.

I'm no stranger to crawling past the children's bedroom doors to keep then in bed where they belong but a slider is so much easier and faster. Normally I take slow, deliberate advances so there's minimal bruising to the shins and it gives my knees a chance to pop instead of break in two. But today, I looked down and I had on the perfect outfit for a slider...my new fluffy pajama pants I got for Christmas.

I could hear the child sniff, so I knew he was awake. I placed my nervous palms down on the linoleum and took a deep breath. I counted down, three, two, one and with one quick pull I was sliding fast across the floor. My bum caught on the threshold up ahead OUCH and I was in the clear. I pulled myself up with the refrigerator as my crutch and walked to the restroom as if that never happened. The only problem was could I pull it off twice? I chuckled to myself at the thought of my husband coming out to "catch me" in action but it was well worth the risk.

I had to get back, the coffee and computer was on the other side. I placed my back against the large cold appliance that had just helped me up and waited. It was gonna be harder getting back than it was going, there was the threshold and less space! This time, instead of placing my hands outward, I had to stretch out a leg. I was gonna have to spider across instead of slide. That's okay. I can "spider" I think to myself. And I did just that. I hunkered down and as quick as an adult human spider with four legs can go, I went. Whew! I rewarded myself with a cup of coffee and sat at the computer. I was home free. Five minutes later, I saw the flashlight and he came in the room and smiled at me, he smelled coffee. Perfect.